Working through stuff #3

I’m counting the one I did on my phone as Working through stuff #2 but I’m not changing the title. Given my mindset lately this really is becoming a series and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I mean on one hand I’m acknowledging things and trying to work through them but on the other hand I feel like I’m using this blog as an excuse not to see someone. Like, look how self aware I am! I don’t need help but I secretly do because it’s midnight and this issue is keeping me up awake even though I have stuff to do tomorrow. On a bright note, Sanu is getting adopted tomorrow so that only leaves me with finding a home for Martin and then I’m back down to my normal level of cats, thank God.

So when I was about five or six I was molested by Fubi’s then-girlfriend’s son. I don’t remember a whole lot of it and had it blocked out for a very long time until I was in my sophomore year of high school and in an off hand comment, Mom wondered if I was molested by him or not. Then it was never brought up again and I was left dealing with flashbacks.

Because I don’t remember much about what happened beyond some bad scenes I’m not going to describe, I used to think it never affected me.

“I blocked it out for years and remembering has no ill effects beyond that one semester where I had a massive depressive episode. Also I’m afraid of being touched and men but Step Dad gets all blame for that one. Totally not in part due to being molested.”

Sounds like denial to me.

Acknowledging it a bit more and learning about how it has impacted me has me in a weird place with a lot of things. A lot of the effects of being abused (verbally and physically) by Step Dad over lap with symptoms of child sex abuse, and I’ve been thinking that a lot of my behavior doesn’t truly start with Fubi’s neglect and Step Dad’s abuse- they just made it worse.

I started thinking more about this because I’m trying to figure where I stand on sex and relationships. That’s a big part of people’s lives and with whatever hormone disorder I have any relationship I do have will be impacted by my lack of ability to have children. Unfortunately regardless of whatever hormone disorder I have, the universal symptom for them is infertility or a massively high miscarriage rate. That would undoubtedly have a big impact on any relationship and I need to learn how to be okay with it. I’m still not okay with it but that’s mainly because I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with anything yet. I probably won’t be until next year because my all tests keep coming back clean despite my ovaries not working.

Getting back to tragic back story, I don’t know my sexuality and I’m not sure if that’s due in part to being molested then suffering through Step Dad and being ignored by Fubi.

Originally I assumed I was straight because I’m not attracted to women, however I’m not really attracted to men. A hot man and a hot woman flirting with me would have same effect: I’d be flattered and that’s it.

I used to force myself to like boys because I thought if I didn’t have a crush on someone, then I was broken.  I didn’t (and still don’t) want to sex so my logic was to my make myself like someone and the need to sleep with them would naturally follow. It never happened. I went through two official boyfriends and two potential boyfriends before I stopped trying. I just can’t bring myself to truly feel romantic feelings for another person.

I don’t know if that’s a result of being molested followed up by verbal and physical abuse or if I’m actually asexual.

About 2013 I discovered the term ‘asexual’ and thought it was another made up Tumblr sexuality- gender thing because that’s what Tumblr does. Well the more I looked into the more I realized I really identified with it but I’m still hesitant to call myself a real asexual for several reasons:

  1. I have a hormone disorder that affects my libido.
  2. Sex abuse can artificially alter a person’s sexuality if they haven’t properly worked through it. I haven’t properly worked through being molested.
  3. Fubi and Step Dad are abusive father figures and set me up for being afraid of men.
  4. I haven’t sought out treatment for my mental illnesses so my lack of sexuality could simply be a symptom of abuse.

I don’t know who I am in terms of relationships and sex. Part of me thinks I am straight I’m just not attracted to men because of suffering abuse at the hands of men then not having proper treatment but part of me thinks maybe I am asexual and my feelings about sex, while influenced by abuse, are my true feelings.

Needless to say, I’m very confused. I don’t know what’s truly me and what’s a result of abuse and it sucks so bad. I think being this confused about something so important is part of why my eating disorder is so bad, which I need to do a post on that because I’ve realized I’ve been battling EDNOS for a very, very long time but it wasn’t until recently I learned that EDNOS was even a thing.

I need to see a therapist but as always, I’m worried I won’t be taken seriously because I’m very self aware with my issues. I know I have some sort of mental illness, I can sort of guesstimate which ones, and I can on my own identify what caused them. It’s just working through the symptoms that I struggle with. Just because I can figure what’s wrong doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. I can’t fix this my confusion on my sexuality, which should be clear cut but it’s not. I can’t fix why I randomly fall into depressive episodes and cry over the stupidest of things. I can’t fix my eating disorder and believe me I’ve been trying.

Despite how upset I am right now, I do feel better typing all this out. I’m not closer to an answer but seeing it in writing makes me feel valid. I’m so used to hiding to everything it’s really nice being able to freely express myself, even if nothing comes from it.

Control

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I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and throughout the searching I’ve been looking back at my life and realizing it really sucked.

My first memory is of Fubi getting up in Mom’s face and calling her a bitch and whore, then being spotted and having to hide in my bedroom with Little sister while Mom cried in the living room and Fubi went storming off to go drink and/or snort coke.

Is it any wonder I have issues?

My depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and disordered eating are a result of the child abuse I suffered at the hands of Step dad, made worse by Mom’s compliance, and Fubi’s neglect. From there I learned not to trust and to seize control in my life wherever possible.

Control, control, control otherwise I’ll be abused again.

Everything must be a certain and it must be in a way I made. If I can’t make something a certain way then I must learn the rules of the thing and strive to follow the rules.

I’m tired of doing that.

I’m so tired of trying to make everything just so. Even when I attempt to relax I must do it in a certain way. I create walls, boundaries, lists, and barriers and in the midst of all that I isolate myself from others. It’s easier to be a control freak when you don’t have to account for other people’s action.

I hate a change in circumstance that is not of my own making or at least following a set of rules. I don’t like random. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like guessing games, intrigue, or mystery.  I like things out in the open and blunt so I can see them and run away if necessary.

Running away and control.

One of the ways I control people is by running away from them. It’s not really controlling them, it’s controlling my interactions with them but still. I’ve ran away from so many people I’m not sure if I can ever truly make a meaningful connection. It worries me that may  I subconsciously group my family in with other people and that’s why I can go days without talking to them.

I don’t think I can ever be genuine with anyone.

I’m worried that when I do try to form a connection with someone it’s going to be unhealthy and toxic because I just straight up don’t know what a healthy relationship or friendship looks like.

I ran away from my best friend of seven years. It was actually a rare justified run away and I’m not going into details beyond it’s probably not a good idea to want one’s virgin best friend to do a rape/knife play threesome with one’s fiancee. That just makes things really really awkward.

It also justifies my desire to keep people at arms length because holy shit I did not need to know what she really thought of me. Anyways, I seem to attract people in my life that also do not know how to form healthy relationships with others.

So back to control. I’ve controlled all my friends out of my life, I’ll control Fubi out of my life eventually, and I’m desperately trying to not control the rest of the family I actually love.

Part of me has always been thrilled at the idea of disappearing. Just run off to start a new life, get bored, wash, rinse, repeat until I’m happy. I even sort of did that. From 2010 to last year, I moved at least once a year. Six years of moving. Six years of trying to restart myself. Six years of battling depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and feeling of crippling failure. I never found what I was looking for.

When I get my tiny house I’ll start looking again but maybe it won’t be so bad.

I fully intend on building a 7×12 Vardo and just roaming. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I don’t know if I’m trying to find a home or a person, or my happiness. I don’t know if I even want to find it. I’m so used to being neurotic like this I don’t know if I’ve passed the point of no return. I was happy at one point and that lead to me giving into a eating disorder because nothing bad was happening.

I tried to give up some control today. For the past two days I have wanted to binge so fucking hard core. Like balls to the wall binge on everything. Thankfully I live an hour away from the nearest grocery store and an hour and a half away from the store with all the food I wanted to binge on. Unfortunately there are two mini-marts where I live and I bought some binge food. Non-vegan binge food. I didn’t binge. It tasted awful. I bought two boxes of Annie’s non-vegan mac’n’cheese and loaf of garlic bread. It didn’t taste good. I don’t think I could stop being a vegan even I wanted too.

I didn’t even eat half of the mac’n’cheese or bread. It was like half a serving and three slices of bread before I gave up.  The food tasted awful and kinda fake and it just killed all my binge urges.

At least now I can control binge urges and next time I’m just going to buy a shit of avocados and eat guacamole with those mustard chips I really like. At least then I know I’ll enjoy the food and it won’t make me feel sick.

On top of my control issues regarding friends, family, and food, I have massive control issues regarding romantic relationships and sex.

I’ve only been in two relationships. I essentially pushed both guys away by not communicating. That was back in 2008 and 2010. Haven’t been in one since.

I can’t bring myself to open up to anyone. I can’t imagine living with anyone. I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone. My gawd, I am so disgusted by sex and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been sexually abused so why I’m so weird about sex I have no idea.

Like to illustrate my sex issue, I had a dream where I did have sex with someone then it switched over to me floating in the middle of the ocean on a iceberg praying to God about how much I wanted die. I almost started crying when I woke up because I was so relieved to still be a virgin.

At this point I don’t think I want to be with anyone and the dream kinda shows that.

When planning for the future, I’m alone. No husband, no children, and at this point probably no animals after the current ones. When I picture my life I’m happy, successful at things I want to do, and living in my Vardo.

I can’t even live in a regular house because I must be able to freely leave. Except for now but that’s because I’m getting myself to a place of independence so I can have a Vardo and travel without worry.

Never have I seen myself with anyone. I don’t know what that would look like. I just know that I’ll create strict rules they’ll have to follow and it’ll lead to me someday running away because I can’t control them.

That’s not healthy.

I think it’s best if I avoid the situation all together and just try to take care of my eating habits and mental health.

My favorite song is “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado. The whole song resonates me. Like I wanted to quote part of it but after finding the lyrics I just want to quote the whole thing so I’m going to. Makes me feel like a teenage on Facebook, quoting songs and shit.

You’re beautiful, that’s for sure
You’ll never ever fade
You’re lovely but it’s not for sure
That I won’t ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is , I don’t know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don’t know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It’s not that I wanna say goodbye
It’s just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I’m going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I’m just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x3]

📷🖌📷

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It’s good and bad

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Based off of recent blood work I don’t have premature menopause (yay!), I probably have an autoimmune disorder(not yay). Based off of recent blood work, my thyroid is underactive. So whatever is wrong with me is affecting my ovaries and my thyroid. My doctor had blood work done on my adrenal glands and next week I should know the results.

If my adrenal glands are insufficient my doctor believes I have something called called Adrenal insufficiency type II, which is supposed to rare but yay special me, I may have it. If my adrenal glands aren’t being affected then I’m not sure what to do. Probably more blood work. During my latest doctor I asked him what could be affecting both my ovaries and thyroid and he said any sort of autoimmune disorder but named the adrenal insufficiency, which tells me he’s pretty confident that’s what I have.

Doctor prescribed me birth control ( to bring back my periods and restore estrogen to my body) and some thyroid medication to help regulate it. So far so good except I have massive bloating and it’s making me super self conscience. I’ve only been them since Monday so I haven’t had any other massive changes. It’s estimated it’ll be three months before my period fully returns.

While I’m happy for the birth control restoring my body to a normal state, I really hate this.  Little Sister was telling me this sounds like what she went through on birth control and according to her it sounds like my body is having a period without the blood. It’s nice knowing the birth control is working but it puts me a in weird position.

With premature menopause I couldn’t have children. I would have a better chance of becoming the next leader of ISIL and deciding our battle plans based off which food my cats wanted to eat that day than ever naturally conceiving a child. Depending on what’s wrong with me now, there is a greater chance of me being able to have kids.

I’ve never though of myself as a mom because it’s just been assumed that would not be a reality.  Little Sister and I have talked about being moms so much, especially when she was pregnant but it was always what she would do and my advice for her. While I’m not in a relationship and honestly don’t have plans for one right now, it’s just so strange thinking someday I could be a mom.

I’ve tried picturing myself as a mom, as someone’s wife and it’s just a massive foreign concept. Part of the reason I was so against dating is because I thought since I couldn’t have kids, who would want to be with me? Starting a family is such a big deal to a lot of people and it was such a massive blow to my self esteem, I thought why even bother looking for someone?

Now that the whole family life is a reality for me I’m not sure if I even want it. I want to live in a 7×12 Vardo, not a house. I don’t want to get married and I’m still weird about sex. Like yea, you can date me but you can’t live with me and by the way you also can’t sleep with me so deal.

Not exactly the best way to have a relationship.

It feels like I’m stuck at a fork in the road of do I keep doing what I’m doing (which I’m happy doing) or do I start trying to be relatively normal and do a normal thing like actively try to seek a partner and plan for a future with them?

I have no idea. I have no idea what I want. Well no, that’s not true. I want my blood work to come back so I can finally be diagnosed with whatever the fuck is wrong with me. Then I should seek treatment for my eating disorder and  get that diagnosed. I’m fairly certain I have EDNOS but I thought that about the premature menopause and it turned out that wasn’t it. So.

Speaking of eating disorders, I survived Thanksgiving. I also learned I’m way too neurotic to live with people. I spent the holiday with Mom’s parents, her, and Baby Sister. It was so great everyone again but I swear to God, I hate their house. It’s a three bed, two bath house and it’s soooo crowded. There’s only four people yet every single corner has something in it.

Maybe I’m just used to living alone in a relatively empty house or maybe I just hate small cramped spaces, but I was not happy staying there. It was only for two night but good God, I don’t want to do that again. I do want to see my family again though so I’ll just have to suck it up but omigod, ooommmigod, they are like borderline hoarders and don’t even realize. Grandpa is actually probably a hoarder for reals because he kept a bag of trash for no reason once. Even Grandma was confused by that because it was really gross.

But yea, Thanksgiving was great. They made some vegan dishes for me again this year, which is really considerate of them. I felt as though I ate a lot but today, I did not. While I’m still not counting calories I only ate my usual udon noodle dish and two cups of hash browns with some ketchup- which I didn’t finish, there’s exactly 1/3 cup left and I know because I shit you not, I put it in a measuring cup just to be certain. If I wasn’t awake right now I wouldn’t have had the potatoes. Even though I’m getting cravings with the birth control, like the hunger itself isn’t there and drinking coffee or diet soda typically gets rid of the cravings so then I don’t even want to eat. I’m not even sure why I made hash browns because all it did was upset my stomach further and now I just want soda.

I’m going to be an anorexic that lives off of soda and vitamins. I used to hate soda but I swear it’s like the only thing now that doesn’t make me feel sick besides water.

Even though I’m not underweight, still fucking at 113, I’m worried my periods won’t come back because I can’t stop under-eating. On days where I try to push myself, I can’t finish the food. Even though I’m trying not too I feel like I’m falling deeper in the eating disorder. I’m not sure if I have body dysmorphia too because I keep wrapping my hands around my thigh and my neck but when I look in the mirror, I swear nothing has changed and I’m still overweight.

You know I have googled what the average body measurements are and measured myself, multiple times, just to make myself feel better. That’s lasts for like a couple hours then I start obsessing again. I swear I have my measurements for everything memorized but it’s like I must be lying because then I have to double check then I have to google if that’s fat or not. Then I have to check again. Then google again but must go to a different page in case the first one was wrong. Wash, rinse, repeat for an hour, then maybe I’ll be emotionally drained enough to sleep.

This bloating is fucking messing with me too. It’s bad enough I’ve started calculating how much weight I gain naturally throughout the day but now I have to guesstimate how much the bloating is artificially raising my weight, and convince myself it’s fine. Right now I can still think rationally about the bloating but I just feel myself slipping and I think that’s why I’m loosing my appetite. When I can, I’m getting stuff to reduce the bloating. I was doing okay until it started. It’s set me off so bad I wish I could puke up my food but I really don’t want to mess my teeth up. It’s bad enough I’m drinking diet soda again.

Belly dancing has helped out though. A lot of dancers don’t have flat stomachs so that makes me feel better however that’s only taking me so far. I keep telling myself I just need to exercise and tone up and I know realistically I’m at a good weight now but the effed up part of my brain is telling me this is sooo bad and I need to be thinner.

The worst part is if I do have Adrenal insufficiency type II then I’m at risk of developing anorexia. I’m not sure but I guess it has to do with the hormones being messed up, that triggers the e.d? If that is my problem then it would partially explain why I’m having the issue with food now.

For now, I’m going to go. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and good luck with any Black Friday( or is a Black weekend now?) shopping.

📷🖌📷

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Can’t think of a title today

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For the past couple of days I haven’t been counting calories. I’m still under 1,000 calories per day but I am eating a little more than usual. I’m estimating between 960-970. It low key has me massively stressed about my macro nutrients but I can guesstimate which ones I need to take since I barely deviate my usual diet.

My anxiety has been a bit high today and I frantically started vacuuming and just wandering around the house for no reason. It’s like I can’t focus on anything for too long before I must jump to the next activity. If this keeps up I’m probably going to cave and go back to counting calories.

Normally if I’m anxious, a little bit of cleaning goes a long way for helping me calm down. I think I could probably deep clean the whole house and still feel off today.

In other news, I’m on a waiting list for the Christmas bazaar happening here. I called a little late so I’m not getting my hopes up. This is one of the major bazaars here so I probably shot myself in the foot waiting as long as I did. The lady in charge is going to call me either Tuesday or Wednesday so I’ll know for sure if I got in. Fingers crossed!

My Etsy shop is finally updated. FIN.NAL.LY. I have 90% of my dream catchers and necklaces listed. The rest I’m gradually going to put in, just to keep up some sort of level of activity. At the same time I’ve been updating my facebook and DeviantArt page. I started listing downloadable prints on Etsy and for physical prints, everything is linked back to it’s own posting on DA. Updating across my sites like this normally takes a whole day so I’ve been on butt all day and boy do I feel it.

It does not help my chair is like five years old and has no cushioning to speak of. At least it has little wheels so I can scoot around and scare the cats.

Speaking of cats, Sanu is still with me. I had one person ask about him but they had a dog. Sanu is terrified of dogs. It makes sense given he was feral and there are feral dogs, stray dogs, and coyotes out here. So that person was a no-go. I’m not confident in Sanu’s ability to be friendly and get over his fear of dogs. Martin is still with me too and he’s been gaining more and more confidence over the past week. I haven’t caught him eating plastic so that’s a big improvement. His coat when he was first brought out of the house was white and light grey. It’s now white and near black. He was that sick his coat had changed colors. His gums are still a little pale but he doesn’t have symptoms of being sick and I’ve been monitoring his mouth (he’s a gentle cat but no one likes having their  mouth forcibly opened) just in case though. He had such a shit diet( of plastic and God only knows what else) I think that’s why they’re discolored. It’s a miracle there isn’t anything wrong with him besides some mental trauma.

Anyways, I’ve been keeping up with belly dancing and I’m getting more confident with my ability to someday do a video of myself practicing. I only know three moves right now though so it’d probably be a bit boring though.

Lately I’ve been driving myself mad looking at my body. I’ve been pinching myself a bit more, where I feel like I have a lot of fat. It’s a little distracting belly dancing because I have to stare at myself in the mirror to make sure my form is right. I can still wrap my hands around the lower part of my thigh and recently measured myself and I have 28 inch waist. That has done nothing to help me see myself as not fat. It’s like I’m hallucinating being at a normal weight even though I can physically do things ( like wrap my hands around my thigh) that I couldn’t at 145. It’s so weird and I can’t get over that.

I keep trying to tell myself I look fine but then I look at my stomach or feel my neck or whatever and all I can think about is how fat I am and how I still have such a long way to go. At one point a couple days ago I actually started thinking maybe my scale was broke and because it’s digital I’m not sure how to fix to make it read 145 again. I got over that but the fact I was even thinking  that way is mind boggling. Hence why I started not counting my calories.

Anyways, please check out my Etsy shop. It’s finally been updated and I have links to my DeviantArt on there too where most of my pictures are available as prints.

📷🖌📷

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*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

 

Working through stuff

I bought the honey mustard chips again. I really like them and I’m not counting them on my calories ate. It’ll give me too much anxiety and I feel like leaving them out is some sort of progress. I was hit with the thought as I was coming back from the store I like not eating.

It was one of those weird thoughts that popped into my head but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. Days were I don’t eat I feel in control. It’s a kind of angry control but it still makes me feel good. Oddly enough, not eating gives me a sort of structure in my life. I plan out when, what, and how much down to the exact gram(food scales are a double edged sword) much I’m eating. Having that control on a day-to-day basis makes me feel like I’m doing something right.

So much of my life is out of my control and at this stage in my life that doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve gone through a lot of hardship and worked my way out of it and I feel like a better stronger person for it. Restricting and not eating is something entirely in my control though and the reward for the control is loosing weight and feeling powerful and successful.

I really need structure in my life beyond controlling my food to such an unhealthy extreme. My job is seasonal and I’m approaching the end of the season. As soon as it starts snowing I’m pretty much down and out of work and therefore structure. Having hours to plan my day around and set tasks to complete gives me the same control and power that not eating does.

I think that’s why I like video games so much. There are tasks to complete and you get rewarded for completing them. It’s structured and fun. I’m one of those people that does try to get satisfaction out of my job even if it’s not what I want to do, it’s still my job and I want to do it well and be rewarded for it. Needless to say I really hate when people don’t treat the workplace as such or just stand around. Like no, this is a professional work environment, act like it.

While I’m working I’ve noticed my calorie intake has increased, even though my net is a low from me exercising some of it off. When I started this blog I was on a mini-vacation (some equipment was broke so I couldn’t do anything until it was fixed) so my intake was relatively low and I was restricting to eating once a day. While I’ve been able to increase the intake on days where I don’t work, I’m still feeling the urge to exercise most of it off. Like because I’m sitting on my bum all day I must keep my numbers low to match my lack of activity.

Part of that has changed because since trying to post daily I need to do stuff so I always have something relatively new to talk about it or updates to give ( like with gardening or working on the chicken shed) so since I’m doing something I’m more comfortable eating.

Getting back to what I said earlier, I do enjoy not eating. I like just sitting around not thinking about food and just drinking coffee and water all day. More often than not I’m distracting myself with a video game or doing something crafty- something that gives me a sense of control and fulfillment.

I’m worried I am a bit mad now I do have to go back to eating. My number one rule is I can’t work without eating something. I’m working with expensive equipment and I’m expected to do certain tasks and I can’t achieve them if I’m light headed and dizzy from lack of food. At home being light headed and dizzy doesn’t bother me but at work it’s distracting.

I know it’s not healthy being angry I can’t not eat and I don’t know how to change this mindset. My Grandma probably has EDNOS and I’m worried my childhood, with food being used as a way to control us, has made me predisposed to developing an eating disorder and not wanting to get healthy.

Growing up I did not have a healthy relationship with food and more often than not had to eat foods I didn’t particularly enjoy. I remember my step dad telling me one day I needed to loose all my baby fat otherwise I was going to become obese. Mind you, I was about ~120 lbs and that is a healthy weight for my height (5’1). Granted it’s on that higher end of the healthy weight range but I was pretty bony at that weight. He also told me I needed to eat healthier, not snack so much, and to exercise more. We couldn’t afford a gym membership, we had very little money left for food so we did not have snacks (or breakfast on most days), our apartment was tiny so there was no space I could( try about ~800 sq. ft housing 5 people, there was no room to do anything & it was very depressing) work out, and since we lived in a ghetto it wasn’t really good to do stuff outside consistently (sex offenders + human traffickers, living near cartel is kinda scary you didn’t know if a kid that went missing was killed, runaway, or trafficked down to Mexico) and have a set schedule in which someone could follow you.

Yea my childhood wasn’t fun and the abuse was the cherry on top. I feel like my whole life has set me up for having a mental illness(s). I try not to let it get to me, which is why I’m trying to work through everything now, but I wonder how much subconsciously it still affects me. I don’t view myself as a victim of child abuse but I can’t escape from the scars it left, they go too deep.

You know, this is probably the most I’ve opened about anything. When my best friend tried talking to me about this I was really vague. If I’m not talking to my Mom or sisters I feel like I can’t be open and even with them there is a lot I’m fairly reserved with. They don’t know I have issues regarding my weight or food, or that I’m seriously afraid of men(Sorry guys I know ya’ll are good, my step dad just hit me a little too much), or that I even have this blog. My Mom and I have talked about all four of us possibly having PTSD, which we honestly we probably do, and needing to go to counseling.

I’m afraid to open up to my Mom. It is her fault we were in that situation and I know she was being abused by him too, I’m worried talking to her she’ll feel like I’m blaming her. Admittedly I used to be mad at her for staying with him for so long but looking at her life, honestly I’m surprised she didn’t find someone worse and I can understand why she did what she did. I also understand why he was such an abusive asshole to us, I mean you really got to work hard to fuck up all four other people living with you, so I feel like I’ve been able to work through my emotions at a more healthy level and get to a better head space.

I don’t remember which post it is that I said I felt like I was trading depression for an eating disorder, but I still feel like that. Truth be told, I’m scared of finally being okay. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for so long I don’t know how to live without it. Even though it hurts, I feel like I can function better knowing I’m not okay. Restricting my eating is just one way to keep myself sick.

I don’t do this for attention. I don’t let my family know when I’m going through a rough time. The few times I nearly followed through with wanting to commit suicide, no one knew and I still haven’t told them. I feel like it’s easier to talk through the blog because I’m anonymous. Like no one on here knows my name, who I am, or what I look like.  It’s easier to open up when I’m not looking at another person.

For a brief period last April, I was happy. I finally felt like I was okay and wasn’t suffering from depression anymore. Then the issues with food started. The depression has off and on crept back in though on days where I heavily restrict I don’t feel so bad. If I can starve myself then I can be happy. Honestly, knowing I am depressed, I feel like this is better the option for me because I do get some sort of joy out it at least.

I don’t like feeling the need to hurt myself in order to be okay and I didn’t like being happy. I felt so empty because things were going good. Like why is life okay? Is anything real? I got so meta I wondered if I was dreaming half the time. I could not function being happy. Something bad had to happen so I started restricting and not eating. I feel like my life is complete if part of me is messed up. If there is always a bad thing happening to me then everything else is allowed to be okay.

Moral of the story: Please don’t let abused children suffer, call CPS and get them help. If you’re being abused it’s okay to get help, you have power over you’re abusers.

Favorite saying:
The best revenge is a life well lived.“~ How am I failing and achieving this at the same time?

Trying something a little different

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Today has been good and bad. It’s bad in that I’m bloated up by two pounds and the only reason I can come up with is that I’m eating way too much salt. It’s good in that I’m trying to take care of myself a little better so I’ve been knocking back water and actually took my vitamins. I track macro nutrients so I have a ton of really nice of vitamins that often left forgotten in the cupboard. Not today though!

Due to being bloated I thought it would be nice to take a bath and relax and maybe that would help me feel a little better. Well it was great plan until I looked at the bathtub and realized it should probably be clean it first. It hasn’t been properly scrubbed it down in like a month. Mind you, I live alone so it’s not like things need to be cleaned super consistently and I am not a messy person to begin with but I thought if I was going to relax, might as well do it in a freshly cleaned tub. The whole thing turned into “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to want milk…” and so on. Now my whole bathroom is clean and laundry is getting done and the kitchen is my next target. So much for relaxing in the bath tub but I do feel better.

What I really want to do is garden. I have a bag of daffodil bulbs I want to get planted for next year which getting them in the ground isn’t that big of a project. What is a big project is digging up the space where I want to put them. I realize now maybe pictures would helpful but it’s really cold and rainy outside so you’ll just have to make due with my crappy description. Where I live is covered in sage brush, sand, and weeds and where I want to put the bulbs is covered in weeds, baby sagebrush, and gravel because whoever graveled the driveway decided that the rocks need to be everywhere. Mowing the lawn next the driveway is a bit of a challenge. Like will I hit a rock and have it ruin the lawn mower or will it just make a lot of noise and fly off deeper into the lawn? Who knows but it stresses me out. There is literally an entire section next the house I can’t do anything too because of all the gravel. How I managed to get a Yew planted there this summer I don’t even know.

When the ground is wet it’s pretty easy to pull the weeds up and get the ground ready for the bulbs but issue is when the ground is wet that also means the wind is blowing and it’s probably rainy. Like today. We’re in the middle of a storm right now and that’s fine and dandy but I have outside stuff to do. When I do any sort of exercise I log it to see how many calories have been burned and when I garden I fucking garden so I burn a lot of calories which means I’ll treat myself to something a little higher in calories like pancakes with syrup and fruit. Can’t really justify surviving off of pancakes when I’m pretty much just playing Skyrim all day. Today I’m trying hard just to justify the noodles I ate.

As a way to like record myself, for better or worse, I want to start a food diary on here but given that I have ed tendencies I’m worried I’ll come off as pro-ana or something. Personally I don’t want to record my food and then have someone look a it and think they can survive off of my bad diet. Also I’m a little self conscience about what I eat. It tends to be the same couple of meals everyday. Part of that is I don’t care too much about variety and part of it the nearest grocery store is an hour and half away so I just grab what I know I can handle repeatedly. So lots of frozen veggies, noodles, and rice. I want to break by eating more fruit but if I buy food want to make a meal out of it and fruit has always been seen as a snack to me and I can’t justify buying a snack.

All my calories I allow myself to eat must go towards at least one full meal a day otherwise it feels like a binge. I can’t even eat a fucking banana without calling that a binge. I like fruit and I hate I’ve become so weird about it now. I suppose I could make like protein smoothies and have that be a meal replacement but I’ve never really liked smoothies. I blame Jamba Juice. Every time I got a smoothie from them it upset my stomach and now I just don’t like smoothies. Stupid Jamba Juice and all their lies. Smoothies are overrated anyways.

Anyways, maybe I’ll just post up my calorie count for the day. At it stands I don’t plan on eating anything else today so yea.
Calories Ate: 335.2 (=_=)
Calories Burned: 182.4 (=_=)
Net: 152.7 (ouch (=_=) )
Macro Nutrients: 42% completed. Not too bad thanks to the vitamins.

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I’m gonna be just fine

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In an effort to be more open I think I’m going to start treating my blog a bit like my diary. Needless so say I have a lot crap to work through.  Yesterday’s post helped out a little and I did try to eat. That both worked and didn’t work mainly because I over estimated what I could physically handle and because everything just tasted off. Part of that was the anxiety of eating so much I’m sure but yea, I tried. So, I’m going to switch gears and talk about something that really upsets me and I have zero control over.

Basically I have premature menopause. It’s where women get menopause way before they’re supposed, obviously, and puts them at an increased risk for a shit ton of things, hair may fall out, and I have a better chance of becoming the first Christian female leader of ISIS than I do of ever having a child. But hey at least I have no signs of cancer or tumors in my uterus 🙂

For now.

It’s something that has off and on bothered me for awhile now but I think it started to hit hard when my little sister got pregnant. I was happy for her. I really was because I knew she and her boyfriend(now fiance) wanted to start a family and I thought it would be cool being an aunt. It is pretty cool being an aunt and I love my nephew to bits. He’s such a great baby and being part of his life is amazing.

I don’t really want to have a child. Honestly with the way I live there isn’t much room for a kid. I just wish it was my choice. It’s easier saying you don’t want a kid if you can control when it happens. I read a really sad article once by a doctor that specialized in fertility. In a nutshell, he told women that went through premature menopause to just look at adoption. He had his heart broken by so many patients having their hearts broken over their lack of ability to conceive or even get their bodies to accept the baby and told women to just adopt or learn to be happy without a child. Just because we have treatment options doesn’t mean they actually work and with my family’s medical history the treatments are likely to be just straight up useless.

I mean my god, my Grandma had a combined total of 9 miscarriages and still births, both she and my Mom died during the birth and had to be resuscitated. My Grandma on my Dad’s side had to have a hysterectomy because she was showing signs of cancer in her uterus(this happened when she was in her early 20s & at the time that was the best treatment option since her twin got Uterine cancer & had to have her uterus removed).My Mom has endometriosis, had at least one complication giving birth to me and my two sisters, and had an ectopic pregnancy that basically ended any chance of having more kids. My little sister can only have children through a C-section because her cervix is so small a baby can’t pass by it, so she’s limited to just one more child. And I have premature menopause. Only time will tell what will happen with my baby sister and I as much as I would like a niece, part of me hopes sister#2 never has one because of all the health issues she will probably face.

I don’t really cry over this except for three times. The first was when I was living in Wyoming and it just hit me really hard one day. I was living there at a time when it seemed like everything single women I saw was pregnant. The second time was when I found out my little sister was pregnant. The third was coming back home from my pelvic ultrasound that confirmed this is indeed premature menopause and not something wrong developmental with me.

I’ve resigned myself to being childless. Honestly saving up for an adoption is just too much. I’ve seen the prices for children and it’s just straight up something I don’t think I could ever afford. Like adoption is an option if you’re upper class and can afford to just comfortably blow thousands and thousands of dollars on a child and be financially secure enough afterwards to still care for them.

Admittedly, this( along with other issues) deters me a bit from dating. Like how do you even approach someone and be like yea, can’t really start a family with me but hey at least animals exist, amirite? Yea, no.

As silly as it sounds, right now my biggest concern with all of this is that I’m going to get labeled a childless crazy cat lady. Like I only have two cats but already people call me a cat lady. I swear, wanna trigger me into an autistic rage of anger, just call me a cat lady. I hate that term and stereotype so much.  When my cats do pass away I’m going to get a small dog. I’ve already decided I’ll take a break from pets (except for my tortoise who will probably outlive me) and then I’ll get a dog.

For now, I’m happy being an aunt and I totally understand why Mary J Blige’s song ‘Just Fine’ is labeled the cool aunt song. 20170723_133126.jpg

 

Also totally glad I never had to deal with this situation:Screenshot_20170626-203754.png

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚・*:.。. .。.:*