Working through stuff #3

I’m counting the one I did on my phone as Working through stuff #2 but I’m not changing the title. Given my mindset lately this really is becoming a series and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I mean on one hand I’m acknowledging things and trying to work through them but on the other hand I feel like I’m using this blog as an excuse not to see someone. Like, look how self aware I am! I don’t need help but I secretly do because it’s midnight and this issue is keeping me up awake even though I have stuff to do tomorrow. On a bright note, Sanu is getting adopted tomorrow so that only leaves me with finding a home for Martin and then I’m back down to my normal level of cats, thank God.

So when I was about five or six I was molested by Fubi’s then-girlfriend’s son. I don’t remember a whole lot of it and had it blocked out for a very long time until I was in my sophomore year of high school and in an off hand comment, Mom wondered if I was molested by him or not. Then it was never brought up again and I was left dealing with flashbacks.

Because I don’t remember much about what happened beyond some bad scenes I’m not going to describe, I used to think it never affected me.

“I blocked it out for years and remembering has no ill effects beyond that one semester where I had a massive depressive episode. Also I’m afraid of being touched and men but Step Dad gets all blame for that one. Totally not in part due to being molested.”

Sounds like denial to me.

Acknowledging it a bit more and learning about how it has impacted me has me in a weird place with a lot of things. A lot of the effects of being abused (verbally and physically) by Step Dad over lap with symptoms of child sex abuse, and I’ve been thinking that a lot of my behavior doesn’t truly start with Fubi’s neglect and Step Dad’s abuse- they just made it worse.

I started thinking more about this because I’m trying to figure where I stand on sex and relationships. That’s a big part of people’s lives and with whatever hormone disorder I have any relationship I do have will be impacted by my lack of ability to have children. Unfortunately regardless of whatever hormone disorder I have, the universal symptom for them is infertility or a massively high miscarriage rate. That would undoubtedly have a big impact on any relationship and I need to learn how to be okay with it. I’m still not okay with it but that’s mainly because I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with anything yet. I probably won’t be until next year because my all tests keep coming back clean despite my ovaries not working.

Getting back to tragic back story, I don’t know my sexuality and I’m not sure if that’s due in part to being molested then suffering through Step Dad and being ignored by Fubi.

Originally I assumed I was straight because I’m not attracted to women, however I’m not really attracted to men. A hot man and a hot woman flirting with me would have same effect: I’d be flattered and that’s it.

I used to force myself to like boys because I thought if I didn’t have a crush on someone, then I was broken.  I didn’t (and still don’t) want to sex so my logic was to my make myself like someone and the need to sleep with them would naturally follow. It never happened. I went through two official boyfriends and two potential boyfriends before I stopped trying. I just can’t bring myself to truly feel romantic feelings for another person.

I don’t know if that’s a result of being molested followed up by verbal and physical abuse or if I’m actually asexual.

About 2013 I discovered the term ‘asexual’ and thought it was another made up Tumblr sexuality- gender thing because that’s what Tumblr does. Well the more I looked into the more I realized I really identified with it but I’m still hesitant to call myself a real asexual for several reasons:

  1. I have a hormone disorder that affects my libido.
  2. Sex abuse can artificially alter a person’s sexuality if they haven’t properly worked through it. I haven’t properly worked through being molested.
  3. Fubi and Step Dad are abusive father figures and set me up for being afraid of men.
  4. I haven’t sought out treatment for my mental illnesses so my lack of sexuality could simply be a symptom of abuse.

I don’t know who I am in terms of relationships and sex. Part of me thinks I am straight I’m just not attracted to men because of suffering abuse at the hands of men then not having proper treatment but part of me thinks maybe I am asexual and my feelings about sex, while influenced by abuse, are my true feelings.

Needless to say, I’m very confused. I don’t know what’s truly me and what’s a result of abuse and it sucks so bad. I think being this confused about something so important is part of why my eating disorder is so bad, which I need to do a post on that because I’ve realized I’ve been battling EDNOS for a very, very long time but it wasn’t until recently I learned that EDNOS was even a thing.

I need to see a therapist but as always, I’m worried I won’t be taken seriously because I’m very self aware with my issues. I know I have some sort of mental illness, I can sort of guesstimate which ones, and I can on my own identify what caused them. It’s just working through the symptoms that I struggle with. Just because I can figure what’s wrong doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. I can’t fix this my confusion on my sexuality, which should be clear cut but it’s not. I can’t fix why I randomly fall into depressive episodes and cry over the stupidest of things. I can’t fix my eating disorder and believe me I’ve been trying.

Despite how upset I am right now, I do feel better typing all this out. I’m not closer to an answer but seeing it in writing makes me feel valid. I’m so used to hiding to everything it’s really nice being able to freely express myself, even if nothing comes from it.

Winter Bazaar

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This weekend was a bazaar in my local area. I sold the wall hanging and like nine necklaces, which is pretty massive for a small town event. It snowed the second day so it was pretty empty. Some people did show up and a last minute customer really made my day. She bought three necklaces- two for her granddaughters and one for herself. I forgot to have out business cards for the first day so that kinda sucks. I think rearranged my table like nine different times over the course of the event. It was mainly the necklaces I kept changing up.

My logic was if I kept making my table look different people who’ve seen it before will still stop to look to what changed. It worked 😉😏.  Didn’t help out much with sells but people did come by more. I wish I took a picture of how I had before the event ended, I really liked the set up.

All last night and part of this morning I’ve been updating my FB page and Etsy. I changed up the background I’m using and thankfully got a new light bulb in my lamp and it’s made a world of difference. Now I just need to figure out what to do for dream catchers, they’re so big and laying them flat just doesn’t quite work so I’m probably going to create something needlessly elaborate to get better pictures of them. My house is not built with great natural lighting in mind.

 

 

📷🖌📷

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Control

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I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and throughout the searching I’ve been looking back at my life and realizing it really sucked.

My first memory is of Fubi getting up in Mom’s face and calling her a bitch and whore, then being spotted and having to hide in my bedroom with Little sister while Mom cried in the living room and Fubi went storming off to go drink and/or snort coke.

Is it any wonder I have issues?

My depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and disordered eating are a result of the child abuse I suffered at the hands of Step dad, made worse by Mom’s compliance, and Fubi’s neglect. From there I learned not to trust and to seize control in my life wherever possible.

Control, control, control otherwise I’ll be abused again.

Everything must be a certain and it must be in a way I made. If I can’t make something a certain way then I must learn the rules of the thing and strive to follow the rules.

I’m tired of doing that.

I’m so tired of trying to make everything just so. Even when I attempt to relax I must do it in a certain way. I create walls, boundaries, lists, and barriers and in the midst of all that I isolate myself from others. It’s easier to be a control freak when you don’t have to account for other people’s action.

I hate a change in circumstance that is not of my own making or at least following a set of rules. I don’t like random. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like guessing games, intrigue, or mystery.  I like things out in the open and blunt so I can see them and run away if necessary.

Running away and control.

One of the ways I control people is by running away from them. It’s not really controlling them, it’s controlling my interactions with them but still. I’ve ran away from so many people I’m not sure if I can ever truly make a meaningful connection. It worries me that may  I subconsciously group my family in with other people and that’s why I can go days without talking to them.

I don’t think I can ever be genuine with anyone.

I’m worried that when I do try to form a connection with someone it’s going to be unhealthy and toxic because I just straight up don’t know what a healthy relationship or friendship looks like.

I ran away from my best friend of seven years. It was actually a rare justified run away and I’m not going into details beyond it’s probably not a good idea to want one’s virgin best friend to do a rape/knife play threesome with one’s fiancee. That just makes things really really awkward.

It also justifies my desire to keep people at arms length because holy shit I did not need to know what she really thought of me. Anyways, I seem to attract people in my life that also do not know how to form healthy relationships with others.

So back to control. I’ve controlled all my friends out of my life, I’ll control Fubi out of my life eventually, and I’m desperately trying to not control the rest of the family I actually love.

Part of me has always been thrilled at the idea of disappearing. Just run off to start a new life, get bored, wash, rinse, repeat until I’m happy. I even sort of did that. From 2010 to last year, I moved at least once a year. Six years of moving. Six years of trying to restart myself. Six years of battling depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and feeling of crippling failure. I never found what I was looking for.

When I get my tiny house I’ll start looking again but maybe it won’t be so bad.

I fully intend on building a 7×12 Vardo and just roaming. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I don’t know if I’m trying to find a home or a person, or my happiness. I don’t know if I even want to find it. I’m so used to being neurotic like this I don’t know if I’ve passed the point of no return. I was happy at one point and that lead to me giving into a eating disorder because nothing bad was happening.

I tried to give up some control today. For the past two days I have wanted to binge so fucking hard core. Like balls to the wall binge on everything. Thankfully I live an hour away from the nearest grocery store and an hour and a half away from the store with all the food I wanted to binge on. Unfortunately there are two mini-marts where I live and I bought some binge food. Non-vegan binge food. I didn’t binge. It tasted awful. I bought two boxes of Annie’s non-vegan mac’n’cheese and loaf of garlic bread. It didn’t taste good. I don’t think I could stop being a vegan even I wanted too.

I didn’t even eat half of the mac’n’cheese or bread. It was like half a serving and three slices of bread before I gave up.  The food tasted awful and kinda fake and it just killed all my binge urges.

At least now I can control binge urges and next time I’m just going to buy a shit of avocados and eat guacamole with those mustard chips I really like. At least then I know I’ll enjoy the food and it won’t make me feel sick.

On top of my control issues regarding friends, family, and food, I have massive control issues regarding romantic relationships and sex.

I’ve only been in two relationships. I essentially pushed both guys away by not communicating. That was back in 2008 and 2010. Haven’t been in one since.

I can’t bring myself to open up to anyone. I can’t imagine living with anyone. I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone. My gawd, I am so disgusted by sex and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been sexually abused so why I’m so weird about sex I have no idea.

Like to illustrate my sex issue, I had a dream where I did have sex with someone then it switched over to me floating in the middle of the ocean on a iceberg praying to God about how much I wanted die. I almost started crying when I woke up because I was so relieved to still be a virgin.

At this point I don’t think I want to be with anyone and the dream kinda shows that.

When planning for the future, I’m alone. No husband, no children, and at this point probably no animals after the current ones. When I picture my life I’m happy, successful at things I want to do, and living in my Vardo.

I can’t even live in a regular house because I must be able to freely leave. Except for now but that’s because I’m getting myself to a place of independence so I can have a Vardo and travel without worry.

Never have I seen myself with anyone. I don’t know what that would look like. I just know that I’ll create strict rules they’ll have to follow and it’ll lead to me someday running away because I can’t control them.

That’s not healthy.

I think it’s best if I avoid the situation all together and just try to take care of my eating habits and mental health.

My favorite song is “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado. The whole song resonates me. Like I wanted to quote part of it but after finding the lyrics I just want to quote the whole thing so I’m going to. Makes me feel like a teenage on Facebook, quoting songs and shit.

You’re beautiful, that’s for sure
You’ll never ever fade
You’re lovely but it’s not for sure
That I won’t ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is , I don’t know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don’t know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It’s not that I wanna say goodbye
It’s just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I’m going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I’m just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x3]

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It’s good and bad

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Based off of recent blood work I don’t have premature menopause (yay!), I probably have an autoimmune disorder(not yay). Based off of recent blood work, my thyroid is underactive. So whatever is wrong with me is affecting my ovaries and my thyroid. My doctor had blood work done on my adrenal glands and next week I should know the results.

If my adrenal glands are insufficient my doctor believes I have something called called Adrenal insufficiency type II, which is supposed to rare but yay special me, I may have it. If my adrenal glands aren’t being affected then I’m not sure what to do. Probably more blood work. During my latest doctor I asked him what could be affecting both my ovaries and thyroid and he said any sort of autoimmune disorder but named the adrenal insufficiency, which tells me he’s pretty confident that’s what I have.

Doctor prescribed me birth control ( to bring back my periods and restore estrogen to my body) and some thyroid medication to help regulate it. So far so good except I have massive bloating and it’s making me super self conscience. I’ve only been them since Monday so I haven’t had any other massive changes. It’s estimated it’ll be three months before my period fully returns.

While I’m happy for the birth control restoring my body to a normal state, I really hate this.  Little Sister was telling me this sounds like what she went through on birth control and according to her it sounds like my body is having a period without the blood. It’s nice knowing the birth control is working but it puts me a in weird position.

With premature menopause I couldn’t have children. I would have a better chance of becoming the next leader of ISIL and deciding our battle plans based off which food my cats wanted to eat that day than ever naturally conceiving a child. Depending on what’s wrong with me now, there is a greater chance of me being able to have kids.

I’ve never though of myself as a mom because it’s just been assumed that would not be a reality.  Little Sister and I have talked about being moms so much, especially when she was pregnant but it was always what she would do and my advice for her. While I’m not in a relationship and honestly don’t have plans for one right now, it’s just so strange thinking someday I could be a mom.

I’ve tried picturing myself as a mom, as someone’s wife and it’s just a massive foreign concept. Part of the reason I was so against dating is because I thought since I couldn’t have kids, who would want to be with me? Starting a family is such a big deal to a lot of people and it was such a massive blow to my self esteem, I thought why even bother looking for someone?

Now that the whole family life is a reality for me I’m not sure if I even want it. I want to live in a 7×12 Vardo, not a house. I don’t want to get married and I’m still weird about sex. Like yea, you can date me but you can’t live with me and by the way you also can’t sleep with me so deal.

Not exactly the best way to have a relationship.

It feels like I’m stuck at a fork in the road of do I keep doing what I’m doing (which I’m happy doing) or do I start trying to be relatively normal and do a normal thing like actively try to seek a partner and plan for a future with them?

I have no idea. I have no idea what I want. Well no, that’s not true. I want my blood work to come back so I can finally be diagnosed with whatever the fuck is wrong with me. Then I should seek treatment for my eating disorder and  get that diagnosed. I’m fairly certain I have EDNOS but I thought that about the premature menopause and it turned out that wasn’t it. So.

Speaking of eating disorders, I survived Thanksgiving. I also learned I’m way too neurotic to live with people. I spent the holiday with Mom’s parents, her, and Baby Sister. It was so great everyone again but I swear to God, I hate their house. It’s a three bed, two bath house and it’s soooo crowded. There’s only four people yet every single corner has something in it.

Maybe I’m just used to living alone in a relatively empty house or maybe I just hate small cramped spaces, but I was not happy staying there. It was only for two night but good God, I don’t want to do that again. I do want to see my family again though so I’ll just have to suck it up but omigod, ooommmigod, they are like borderline hoarders and don’t even realize. Grandpa is actually probably a hoarder for reals because he kept a bag of trash for no reason once. Even Grandma was confused by that because it was really gross.

But yea, Thanksgiving was great. They made some vegan dishes for me again this year, which is really considerate of them. I felt as though I ate a lot but today, I did not. While I’m still not counting calories I only ate my usual udon noodle dish and two cups of hash browns with some ketchup- which I didn’t finish, there’s exactly 1/3 cup left and I know because I shit you not, I put it in a measuring cup just to be certain. If I wasn’t awake right now I wouldn’t have had the potatoes. Even though I’m getting cravings with the birth control, like the hunger itself isn’t there and drinking coffee or diet soda typically gets rid of the cravings so then I don’t even want to eat. I’m not even sure why I made hash browns because all it did was upset my stomach further and now I just want soda.

I’m going to be an anorexic that lives off of soda and vitamins. I used to hate soda but I swear it’s like the only thing now that doesn’t make me feel sick besides water.

Even though I’m not underweight, still fucking at 113, I’m worried my periods won’t come back because I can’t stop under-eating. On days where I try to push myself, I can’t finish the food. Even though I’m trying not too I feel like I’m falling deeper in the eating disorder. I’m not sure if I have body dysmorphia too because I keep wrapping my hands around my thigh and my neck but when I look in the mirror, I swear nothing has changed and I’m still overweight.

You know I have googled what the average body measurements are and measured myself, multiple times, just to make myself feel better. That’s lasts for like a couple hours then I start obsessing again. I swear I have my measurements for everything memorized but it’s like I must be lying because then I have to double check then I have to google if that’s fat or not. Then I have to check again. Then google again but must go to a different page in case the first one was wrong. Wash, rinse, repeat for an hour, then maybe I’ll be emotionally drained enough to sleep.

This bloating is fucking messing with me too. It’s bad enough I’ve started calculating how much weight I gain naturally throughout the day but now I have to guesstimate how much the bloating is artificially raising my weight, and convince myself it’s fine. Right now I can still think rationally about the bloating but I just feel myself slipping and I think that’s why I’m loosing my appetite. When I can, I’m getting stuff to reduce the bloating. I was doing okay until it started. It’s set me off so bad I wish I could puke up my food but I really don’t want to mess my teeth up. It’s bad enough I’m drinking diet soda again.

Belly dancing has helped out though. A lot of dancers don’t have flat stomachs so that makes me feel better however that’s only taking me so far. I keep telling myself I just need to exercise and tone up and I know realistically I’m at a good weight now but the effed up part of my brain is telling me this is sooo bad and I need to be thinner.

The worst part is if I do have Adrenal insufficiency type II then I’m at risk of developing anorexia. I’m not sure but I guess it has to do with the hormones being messed up, that triggers the e.d? If that is my problem then it would partially explain why I’m having the issue with food now.

For now, I’m going to go. I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and good luck with any Black Friday( or is a Black weekend now?) shopping.

📷🖌📷

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Can’t think of a title today

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For the past couple of days I haven’t been counting calories. I’m still under 1,000 calories per day but I am eating a little more than usual. I’m estimating between 960-970. It low key has me massively stressed about my macro nutrients but I can guesstimate which ones I need to take since I barely deviate my usual diet.

My anxiety has been a bit high today and I frantically started vacuuming and just wandering around the house for no reason. It’s like I can’t focus on anything for too long before I must jump to the next activity. If this keeps up I’m probably going to cave and go back to counting calories.

Normally if I’m anxious, a little bit of cleaning goes a long way for helping me calm down. I think I could probably deep clean the whole house and still feel off today.

In other news, I’m on a waiting list for the Christmas bazaar happening here. I called a little late so I’m not getting my hopes up. This is one of the major bazaars here so I probably shot myself in the foot waiting as long as I did. The lady in charge is going to call me either Tuesday or Wednesday so I’ll know for sure if I got in. Fingers crossed!

My Etsy shop is finally updated. FIN.NAL.LY. I have 90% of my dream catchers and necklaces listed. The rest I’m gradually going to put in, just to keep up some sort of level of activity. At the same time I’ve been updating my facebook and DeviantArt page. I started listing downloadable prints on Etsy and for physical prints, everything is linked back to it’s own posting on DA. Updating across my sites like this normally takes a whole day so I’ve been on butt all day and boy do I feel it.

It does not help my chair is like five years old and has no cushioning to speak of. At least it has little wheels so I can scoot around and scare the cats.

Speaking of cats, Sanu is still with me. I had one person ask about him but they had a dog. Sanu is terrified of dogs. It makes sense given he was feral and there are feral dogs, stray dogs, and coyotes out here. So that person was a no-go. I’m not confident in Sanu’s ability to be friendly and get over his fear of dogs. Martin is still with me too and he’s been gaining more and more confidence over the past week. I haven’t caught him eating plastic so that’s a big improvement. His coat when he was first brought out of the house was white and light grey. It’s now white and near black. He was that sick his coat had changed colors. His gums are still a little pale but he doesn’t have symptoms of being sick and I’ve been monitoring his mouth (he’s a gentle cat but no one likes having their  mouth forcibly opened) just in case though. He had such a shit diet( of plastic and God only knows what else) I think that’s why they’re discolored. It’s a miracle there isn’t anything wrong with him besides some mental trauma.

Anyways, I’ve been keeping up with belly dancing and I’m getting more confident with my ability to someday do a video of myself practicing. I only know three moves right now though so it’d probably be a bit boring though.

Lately I’ve been driving myself mad looking at my body. I’ve been pinching myself a bit more, where I feel like I have a lot of fat. It’s a little distracting belly dancing because I have to stare at myself in the mirror to make sure my form is right. I can still wrap my hands around the lower part of my thigh and recently measured myself and I have 28 inch waist. That has done nothing to help me see myself as not fat. It’s like I’m hallucinating being at a normal weight even though I can physically do things ( like wrap my hands around my thigh) that I couldn’t at 145. It’s so weird and I can’t get over that.

I keep trying to tell myself I look fine but then I look at my stomach or feel my neck or whatever and all I can think about is how fat I am and how I still have such a long way to go. At one point a couple days ago I actually started thinking maybe my scale was broke and because it’s digital I’m not sure how to fix to make it read 145 again. I got over that but the fact I was even thinking  that way is mind boggling. Hence why I started not counting my calories.

Anyways, please check out my Etsy shop. It’s finally been updated and I have links to my DeviantArt on there too where most of my pictures are available as prints.

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That One Thing

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You ever have that one thing you do or think and suddenly everything starts falling back into place and you’re becoming okay again? For me that thing is day dreaming (& saving up for) living a Vardo-inspired tiny house and belly dancing.

I started belly dancing last year and it was so much fun, I wanted to continue the classes but then it snowed and I only have a little four wheel drive-less Corrolla so that was a massive no-go. Then I fell out of practice over the summer due to work and just now am getting back into it. I’m so badly out of practice it hurts. I thought of doing a gif or two for the blog but I look so awkward. Like looking at the videos, my weight isn’t really the issue, my awkward hand motions and how stiff I look is. Which is good in a sense because now I’m starting to focus on other things that aren’t weight related and anything that can pull me out this is good. Except it is really bothersome how out of practice I look😖

Last night when I was practicing I felt really sluggish and tired so since I didn’t eat a whole lot that day I made myself dinner and ate the cookies of the devil👿, a.k.a oreos. It’s the same with jogging too. Like I want to be able to do the thing and I know it really comes down to eating more so I want to eat more for the thing but omigawd, the calories kill me.

I’m not anywhere near fixed because despite right now I am hungry it’s a bit of struggle to make the damn food. I still have numbers wrapped up in the my head and if I wasn’t wanting to practice belly dance or jog then I wouldn’t be eating so much.

Like today I couldn’t even the finish the sandwich. It was just so big(to me) and all the calories I knew I was eating was starting to make me sick. So I know this isn’t a quick fix. All of this got started due to me not knowing how to control my anxiety and being massively stressed out all year.

I feel like this is a sort of break through for me though. I’m feeling better enough to not restrict as heavily or exercise at least half of it off. That’s progress, right?

Today I went to see the dentist to check up on my teeth. They’re looking much better than the last time, so my worst nightmare is not coming true, thank God. They were notified about my hormone disorder too so that’s on my record. Looking back at my food records on Cron-o-Meter, fluoride never shows up and I’ve looked up foods that naturally have it, inputted them, and nothing. So I think this is some sort vitamin deficiency on my end, made worse by disorder. All my oral care stuff has fluoride now. Not I like I’m against fluoride, I just never paid much attention to the tooth paste I was grabbing beyond the brand and flavor. That bite me in the butt, to say the least. So yea, not really sure how to get more fluoride in my diet because it’s not really packaged as a supplement or anything. At least I’ve been taking supplements for calcium and magnesium.

I’m still kinda bad at taking them consistently 😐. I’m sure that didn’t really help either. Like yea I have health issues and I’m at an increased risk for things so let’s forget to take the things that could help me not get the bad things, fml. I’m going to stat setting vitamin alarms on my phone so I’ll remember to take them. In theory.

Anyways, the worst tooth nightmare is a bottom wisdom coming in sideways like an asshole. Yea, I have to see a fucking oral surgeon for that one😂 😤 Wisdom teeth are dicks and I hate them.

So now I’m off to say “Fuck you!” to tomorrow and I’m going to rearrange my house. Sort of. And basically not sleep. I’m feeling inspired and happy and I’m going to eat some Daiya mac ‘n’ cheese even though it’s nearly 1000 calories and not count it because right now I can say fuck calories and I want to roll with it while I still can. I’m not happy with what I see in the mirror and I’m still embarrassed by my body but I really want to belly dance and switch up my house so whatever, right?

~~~without the mac’n’cheese &  house cleaning burnt calories added~~~
🍂Calories Ate: 770.3
🍂Calories Burned: 315.5
🍂Net Calories: 459.9
🍂Macro Nutrients: 21%

Brunch today was a vegan sandwich I got from Natural Grocers. I didn’t finish it. It didn’t taste good to me and I’m fairly certain that is because of whatever the fuck is wrong with me. Like the first couple bites were good then I made the mistake of logging it and my appetite flew out the window.

Dinner today was Annie’s Vegan mac’n’cheese with pasta shells. I added in some mixed veggies and pepper to it. I ate the whole thing 😌 Also Daiya > Annie’s. I like their mac’n’cheese better. Fight me if you disagree.

Not pictured is the bamboo shoots I snacked on. I soaked in rice vinegar and Sriracha sauce. My mouth was on fire but they were so good. I love Sriracha but dear Lord, I need some milk after I’m doing eating anything with it.

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🍔~Brunch~🍔

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🍝~Dinner~🍝

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*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

OKaY GrandMAaAAa, can we not?

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The bazaar was fun. I sold two necklaces, one beaded & a pendant, and two dream catchers. I know that’s actually not a lot but for the bazaar being a one day event in a tiny town, that’s pretty good. The charity group Grandma volunteers at was also there, taking orders for Christmas wreathes, so she was also there and had to awkward it up.

Mind you, I’m fairly certain she has EDNOS so any weight comments she makes I’m not sure how exactly to respond to them. Like I know what triggers me and I can kinda guess what sets her off but overall I just don’t know what to say. She’s overweight and due to osteoarthritis, taking steroid medication, lack of exercise(partially due to the osteoarthritis), and has an unhealthy diet, it’s hard for her to loose weight.

Mom and Baby Sister were out again to visit this weekend and they were babysitting Nephew while Little Sister and Fiancee were at work. Mom was going to bring me lunch but due to Nephew teething and being fussy that whole plan fell apart. When teething he’s a massive handful, like how most toddlers are. So I told her to forget about it and I’ll just eat after the event. It was 9am- 3pm so not that long and I actually ate breakfast so it was no biggie. I’ll admit I was a little frustrated,  I’ve been fighting with insomnia and only got two and half hours of sleep so I was hangry, anxious, very tired, and I think it showed a little.

Grandma came over a couple of times to chat and basically snoop and asked about my lunch. I told her I wasn’t hungry and I was going to eat afterwards. Loudly she gasped in shock, like some people actually looked over at us, and she kept trying to push me to eat the food for the vendors. Well I couldn’t eat any of it because none of it was vegan and honestly salty chips and whatever the fuck else they had did not sound appealing anyways.

She then did a anxious laugh and said “No wonder you don’t gain weight, you don’t eat anything!” and then went scampering back off to her table. Like fuck me, Grandma, can she be even more awkward? She was being loud too. It was so bad. The vendors across from me kept looking over and I was so embarrassed.

I swear I’m not even that thin and it just made me feel weird. I’ve been off and on low key binging since Mom and Baby sister visited and it’s frustrating because I’m not hungry but I keep eating. Like it’s not full on binging but for me it’s bad.  I’m plateaued at 113 right now and it’s really frustrating. Because of the insomnia I’m trying to eat at night so it’s easier to fall asleep but I just feel like I’m eating too much.

I’ve started jogging. It’s super cold outside so I’m jogging in my house. It’s funny because the cats will sit at various locations and watch me. It freaks them out so badly. I used to hate running but being in my house and not being timed by anyone or watched makes it kinda enjoyable. I get how jogging helps improves peoples moods because I actually felt a little better afterwards.

Getting into some serious stuff, my anxiety has been a bitch lately. Like I want to get meds for it but I’m scared about talking to my doctor. It’s been easier for me to fall into an anxiety episode but at the same it’s easier for me to get out of it so I’m not sure what’s going on there. I’m chalking part of it up to not sleeping well. I’m having issues sleeping on my futon because my fucking hip bone sticks out too much when I lay down (on my side) and it makes me uncomfortable. I’ve been on my couch and that was fun like the first night but now I swear, I want to set my couch on fire. It’s not fun anymore. I never use my couches, like ever and this does not endear them to me.

I got stuck with another cat. Fml… Sanu is officially up on Craigslist, it took awhile getting him ready to be adopted. Hopefully I can get him adopted out in the next week or so. I love him dearly and I’m so happy he let me turn him into a house cat, it’s time to get him moved onto his forever home. The other cat I got was very much not intentional. It’s a bad situation so I’m not going into details but in a nutshell my great uncle is in assisted living and we got his dog and cat. His dog was euthanized due to age and enough medical conditions that the vet flat out told Mom it’s kinder to put him down. The cat, Martin, thankfully did not have to euthanized.

Except now he has to live with me because I’m the magical cat rehabber🙃 Currently my cat total is up to five 🙃😓(Please someone adopt Martin and Sanu) and I live for day when it’s just Clar, Dexter and me. But yea, back to Martin. I don’t have any pictures of him yet but he is sweet kitty that did not deserve to get stuck with my great uncle. He was a hoarder among other things and it was such a bad situation for humans and animals.

Like Baby Sister went into his house once and got sick. You could not enter that house without a something over your face to protect your breathing. It was so bad like what you’d see on the Hoarders tv show, with all the trash and animal waste everywhere, it was so disgusting I don’t know how the dog and Martin didn’t drop dead from breathing issues.

Poor Martin used to eat plastic, like the other day I caught him licking a plastic bag, and he can’t even meow properly. It’s one of those situations where being a minimalist is coming in handy because I don’t have a lot in my house and I think the emptiness really helps him. I’m hoping to have him adopted him out before Christmas but we’ll see. Poor cat has some mental issues. Some of his behaviors are similar to Luna and she has feline hyperesthesia. With any luck, it’s not lifelong and he’ll get over it soon. I’m really happy I have the experience I do with Luna because some of it is coming in handy when dealing with Martin.

I swear though, after Clar and Dexter pass away I’m probably not going to get another cat. I’m getting catted out. I wish Mom and Baby Sister would stop finding animals to save because inevitably they get left with me since Mom refuses to learn how to Craigslist to adopt them out. Anyways, yea I’m catted out.

🍂Calories Ate: 844.0
🍂Calories Burned: 353.6
🍂Net Calories: 490.4
🍂Macro Nutrients: 31%

Today’s food was seven oreos and then same Udon dish I normally dish do. I haven’t been too creative lately. Like I kinda hate oreos now. Seven cookies are 493.73 calories. That’s an entire meal. Like wtf? I don’t think I’m going to get them anymore, I started to feel sick eating them today. Nevermind the level sugar for seven oreos alone is enough to fucking kill me. So yea, my brief adventure into forbidden foods has once again kinda back fired because now I don’t want to eat them.

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*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚Happy Fall・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

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*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*