Sorry this is on my phone

***I’m not okay so this is my panic rant I swear I’ll be fine by morning but right now I need somewhere to vent.***

I hate using my phone for this because of the way I have to type. Like I need a keyboard that hooks up to my phone. I just shut off my laptop and I don’t want to turn it back on.

After I made the last post I decided to eat something more. So I made up some veggies and tofu. It was basically what I ate earlier without the Udon noodles so about ~70 calories. 

And that has me in tears. I started in on my negative chanting and the urge to puke is almost overwhelming. I don’t know why I have this phobia around my teeth but it is literally the only thing preventing me from becoming bulimic at this point and I’m really scared it’ll get to the point where I won’t even care and I’ll just vomit everything back up. If I could puke after every meal I totally would. 

Its just 70 calories but I feel like I failed. I ate something outside of my meals and now I’m going to get fat. Never mind when my family was visiting I ate a shit ton of tortillas and now I’m massively bloated because for.some.damn reason I can’t eat anything with flour without magically gaining 5 lbs. I know if I don’t eat bread in a couple of days I’ll go back down to 113 because this has before but right now I don’t even care because when I weighed myself this morning I was 115 and that’s all that matters right now. 

Omigod  I swear having to go back fix everything I type its making my angry sad and I just want to curl and feel my stomach rumble. I haven’t felt truly hungry in awhile and I’m worried I got used to eating again and I really don’t want to eat tomorrow. When Mom was here she making comments about how little food I have. I don’t want her to catch on. She told me I look good and I’m skinny but I swear to God all I see is fat. 

I feel like nothing has changed between 145 and now. My stomach is huge, my arms are huge, my thigh gap is a lie because my fucking thigh are huge, like nothing about me is skinny. I can wrap my hands around my thigh but I swear I must be hallucinating because everytime I look down they’re still so fucking fat. I think my wrists are permnately swollen too because they haven’t changed at all. I want to take body check pictures so I can compare to the last set I took but I don’t think I can even look at myself right now. 

I don’t want to cry anymore but I feel so damn numb. It’s like I’m not even typing this. Earlier I was looking at myself and I look so tired. I’ve  always had dark circles but it looked like someone punched me, it was so bad. I don’t know how Mom can say I look good. I don’t feel good. 

Okay Grandpa, can we not? Part

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Well that was wonderful. Mom and Baby Sister came out to visit me for the weekend. I haven’t seen them in awhile so it was really nice being able to hang out with Mom and both sisters. Nephew was also happy because he got lots of attention from four women, the little dork. A funny story about him, he took his very first step towards a little girl. He’s only one and already a massive flirt😘

As the title implies, Grandpa once again did something he was not supposed too. Where I live is a little local charity group that helps children in poverty and my Grandma is pretty much a lifetime volunteer with them. She’s one of the people that actually restarted it out here in the 90’s because for awhile it was defunct.

One of the things they do to raise money is make and sell Christmas wreaths and swags. They are really lovely and it’s like this town wide thing where everyone gets a wreath from them, even the school and all the businesses. The holidays really do tie this community together. While it’s not normally an issue, this year it was pain in the ass for exactly two reasons.

  1. Grandpa has a bad heart and enjoys pushing himself.
  2. And this happened 🙃:videotogif_2017.11.07_16.23.09.gif

Gathering greenery for the wreaths wasn’t too bad. My fingers went numb and I’m probably fighting off a cold but it was really pretty up there. I keep telling myself I need to go up and take pictures during the summer because it is so lovely and peaceful but I haven’t. Next year for sure. If I was on my own I could wander out to some of the cliff edges and get some proper shots of the valley. Trying to snap pictures from Grandpa’s moving truck is not ideal.

Thankfully this year we had a lot of help so Grandpa didn’t really need to cut any greenery except he totally went sneaking off to cut and I had to stalk him to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.

The Popular Stalking GIFs Everyone's Sharing

Actually me watching Grandpa

I gave up trying to cut any greenery and instead followed him around and randomly appeared to collect the branches he cut. He tried sneaking off twice but I’m like a freakin’ hawk. Can’t escape me Grandpa. I see you trying to reach over your head

I felt so bad for one of the high school students volunteering, she only had on sneakers. I had on snow boots, snow socks, and regular socks and my toes were still frozen. One of the other members brought a power saw and was literally cutting down some of the smaller trees and someone else had a tarp they would pack branches on and then drag back to the trucks. Totally made the whole process easier.

Animals | StareCat.com - Page 49

Actual photo of me traveling across the countryside

After lunch we were done. No one wanted to be up there in the snow and we had six trucks packed with greenery so it was called about an hour and half in.

I think I should mention we did have a permit to go up there. I swear it’s not like a bunch of old people, some high school students, and myself went sneaking up to the mountain with six trucks and a power saw to prune the trees in secrecy.

Today was a bit productive day. The weather was calm enough I was able to get all my hoses put away, buried all my saplings, the Iris-Yucca- Rhubarb patch, and my bushes in cut grass(which is going to be a pain next year to clean but at least frost won’t kill them), and managed to get a small burn pit dug so I can now properly dispose of all the damn weeds. Where I live I can burn, I’m not in city limits. Just thought I’d mention that.

20171107_155316.jpg

A project I’ve been wanting to get done for awhile now is getting my dream catchers hung up. Well guess what? Dream catcher wall! They were hung on my cupboards and with cats that enjoy playing in the cupboards, it was only a matter time before one fell victim to tiny kitty paws. But now they are safe from little paws and properly displayed! Now if I could sell them that would be great. Of course I should probably be taking better pictures and actually updating my Etsy shop but I’m thinking that should wait until after the bazaar.

🍂Calories Ate: 597.1
🍂Calories Burned: 91
🍂Net Calories: 506.1
🍂Macro Nutrients: 56%

Food today was Udon noodles, baby corn, bamboo shoots, water chestnuts, frozen veggies, and some yellow bell pepper. Not pictured is the tortilla with avocado and salsa. So two meals, which is pretty good given how stressed about my weight I’ve been. There was not a whole lot of exercising going on today. I think I’m getting sick from going up in the woods 🤒

I have some cold medicine so I’m going to preemptively take the night time doses and see if that helps. Having my net be so high (I know it’s not but for me that’s like really high) is a little stressful but I can’t garden because it’s now hella cold and I just straight up have no energy. Good thing I have lots of vegetables and vitamins though! Gonna kick this cold’s ass before it even strikes 😤💪🏼🍵

📷🍽📷20171107_155232.jpg📷🖌📷

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚Happy Fall・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*Pumpkingirl for blog.png*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

 

In which I complain about my job

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

My job, a.k.a my Dad,  I mean.

My parents divorced when I was five but the memories I do have of them being together are not happy. Weirdly enough I do remember trying to kill myself at five. In my baby mind I thought if I jumped off the front porch I would hit my head die because my Mom would tell me not to play on the steps otherwise I could well, hit my head and die. They were having a real bad argument one day and I was so miserable I thought maybe if I died they wouldn’t fight anymore so I jumped off the steps and face planted into the sand. Obviously I did not die but knowing that was an actual suicide attempt by my five year old self is pretty surreal.

Dad and Job are tied together due to him being the unofficial boss of the family farm. I should mention he does drugs and drinks consistently so it’s a game of “Is he drunk, high, or just a bitch today?” Sometimes it’s a combination of all three. I’m really happy my Mom got custody of us and honestly I’m only sticking around for my Grandparents at this point.

I don’t love him, in fact I resent him. As a Christian I don’t feel comfortable feeling that way about my father, hot damn though I can’t stand him.

Before we go further, there is a lot more to this story than what I’m saying. The internet is not the appropriate place to air all my grievances, especially regarding my family and all their lovely skeletons.

At this point I don’t imagine my relationship with him surviving past the death of my Grandparents. As it stands, I dislike referring to him as my Dad so I’ll simply call him Fubi. I’m not explaining that one. It’s funny in a sad sort of way.

Fubi at best is a mediocre father, at worst emotionally abusive and neglectful. I got enough of that from Step Dad, I don’t need it from Fubi.

Today he was training me to do something called harrowing. Basically you take a giant metal net, hook it up to a tractor, and drag it across a field to knock down gopher mounds. It is as easy as sounds and it took less than five minutes for me to understand what to do.  Despite having a bad back, he stayed in the tractor for about an hour ranting. Thankfully none of it was directed at me and I’m not going into detail about what was said and honestly all the issues are of his own making so I just disregarded it.

However, he stresses me the fuck out. The entire hour my anxiety went from 0 to 100 in .001 seconds. I can not handle being around him. I never know which Fubi I’m getting and what he’s going to criticize(unjustly) me on.  I have a headache and binged my way up to 662.7 calories, when it was hovering around a nice ~400. It wasn’t a real binge but I over ate with dinner and now my stomach hurts.

After he left I was really angry about nothing in particular, just sitting in the tractor pissed off as can be for no reason. Being around him and working for him pushes me back into my depression and I almost started having suicidal thoughts. I work so hard to not think that way and an hour with him and I’m back to square one.  It’s no wonder the eating issues started happening now that I’ve been around him consistently for two years. Yes I am blaming him for making my anxiety so bad I developed an eating disorder.

I managed to catch myself but I was going down a real negative path and it scares me how easy it was to fall back into the habit of calling myself stupid, fat, worthless…. everything mean that I could say to myself I started to say. I’m okay now but this is just another reminder of why I need another job. Another year around him and I’ll probably start drinking.

On a side note, did you know you burn calories driving? I knew that but I didn’t know how much. Hint: it’s a lot and truckers are fat because they eat too much.

🎃Calories Ate: 662.7
🎃Calories Burned: 651.6- all from being in a tractor! Given how hungry I was after I guess it makes sense.
🎃Net Calories: 11.1- and I honestly can’t eat anymore to bring my net up. I legit tried and all I have to show for it is a stomach ache.
🎃Macro Nutrients: 25%- it’s cause I’m not taking my vitamins today. I should’ve taken them in the morning but I forgot.

Today is one of those weird days where I ate three times. For breakfast it was veggies and tofu because I woke up late and rushed making lunch. It wasn’t until I had the tofu cut and cooking did I realize it will not keep until lunch. So breakfast was an accident but I still ate it. Lunch was plain potatoes, bell pepper slices, and some chips. I meant to have more in there but I ran out of fruit and again, woke up 30 minutes late, and dinner was Udon noodles, tofu, and veggies. I’m trying really hard to eat my tofu before it expires. Honestly, I didn’t finish dinner. I made way too many noodles out of anger and I’m a bit sad about it now. I still have a headache too. Today was a hard day for me.

📷🍽📷
Breakfast
20171030_074500.jpgLunch20171030_200617.jpgDinner
20171030_183939.jpg

📷🌸📷723.jpg

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

 

Working through stuff

I bought the honey mustard chips again. I really like them and I’m not counting them on my calories ate. It’ll give me too much anxiety and I feel like leaving them out is some sort of progress. I was hit with the thought as I was coming back from the store I like not eating.

It was one of those weird thoughts that popped into my head but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. Days were I don’t eat I feel in control. It’s a kind of angry control but it still makes me feel good. Oddly enough, not eating gives me a sort of structure in my life. I plan out when, what, and how much down to the exact gram(food scales are a double edged sword) much I’m eating. Having that control on a day-to-day basis makes me feel like I’m doing something right.

So much of my life is out of my control and at this stage in my life that doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve gone through a lot of hardship and worked my way out of it and I feel like a better stronger person for it. Restricting and not eating is something entirely in my control though and the reward for the control is loosing weight and feeling powerful and successful.

I really need structure in my life beyond controlling my food to such an unhealthy extreme. My job is seasonal and I’m approaching the end of the season. As soon as it starts snowing I’m pretty much down and out of work and therefore structure. Having hours to plan my day around and set tasks to complete gives me the same control and power that not eating does.

I think that’s why I like video games so much. There are tasks to complete and you get rewarded for completing them. It’s structured and fun. I’m one of those people that does try to get satisfaction out of my job even if it’s not what I want to do, it’s still my job and I want to do it well and be rewarded for it. Needless to say I really hate when people don’t treat the workplace as such or just stand around. Like no, this is a professional work environment, act like it.

While I’m working I’ve noticed my calorie intake has increased, even though my net is a low from me exercising some of it off. When I started this blog I was on a mini-vacation (some equipment was broke so I couldn’t do anything until it was fixed) so my intake was relatively low and I was restricting to eating once a day. While I’ve been able to increase the intake on days where I don’t work, I’m still feeling the urge to exercise most of it off. Like because I’m sitting on my bum all day I must keep my numbers low to match my lack of activity.

Part of that has changed because since trying to post daily I need to do stuff so I always have something relatively new to talk about it or updates to give ( like with gardening or working on the chicken shed) so since I’m doing something I’m more comfortable eating.

Getting back to what I said earlier, I do enjoy not eating. I like just sitting around not thinking about food and just drinking coffee and water all day. More often than not I’m distracting myself with a video game or doing something crafty- something that gives me a sense of control and fulfillment.

I’m worried I am a bit mad now I do have to go back to eating. My number one rule is I can’t work without eating something. I’m working with expensive equipment and I’m expected to do certain tasks and I can’t achieve them if I’m light headed and dizzy from lack of food. At home being light headed and dizzy doesn’t bother me but at work it’s distracting.

I know it’s not healthy being angry I can’t not eat and I don’t know how to change this mindset. My Grandma probably has EDNOS and I’m worried my childhood, with food being used as a way to control us, has made me predisposed to developing an eating disorder and not wanting to get healthy.

Growing up I did not have a healthy relationship with food and more often than not had to eat foods I didn’t particularly enjoy. I remember my step dad telling me one day I needed to loose all my baby fat otherwise I was going to become obese. Mind you, I was about ~120 lbs and that is a healthy weight for my height (5’1). Granted it’s on that higher end of the healthy weight range but I was pretty bony at that weight. He also told me I needed to eat healthier, not snack so much, and to exercise more. We couldn’t afford a gym membership, we had very little money left for food so we did not have snacks (or breakfast on most days), our apartment was tiny so there was no space I could( try about ~800 sq. ft housing 5 people, there was no room to do anything & it was very depressing) work out, and since we lived in a ghetto it wasn’t really good to do stuff outside consistently (sex offenders + human traffickers, living near cartel is kinda scary you didn’t know if a kid that went missing was killed, runaway, or trafficked down to Mexico) and have a set schedule in which someone could follow you.

Yea my childhood wasn’t fun and the abuse was the cherry on top. I feel like my whole life has set me up for having a mental illness(s). I try not to let it get to me, which is why I’m trying to work through everything now, but I wonder how much subconsciously it still affects me. I don’t view myself as a victim of child abuse but I can’t escape from the scars it left, they go too deep.

You know, this is probably the most I’ve opened about anything. When my best friend tried talking to me about this I was really vague. If I’m not talking to my Mom or sisters I feel like I can’t be open and even with them there is a lot I’m fairly reserved with. They don’t know I have issues regarding my weight or food, or that I’m seriously afraid of men(Sorry guys I know ya’ll are good, my step dad just hit me a little too much), or that I even have this blog. My Mom and I have talked about all four of us possibly having PTSD, which we honestly we probably do, and needing to go to counseling.

I’m afraid to open up to my Mom. It is her fault we were in that situation and I know she was being abused by him too, I’m worried talking to her she’ll feel like I’m blaming her. Admittedly I used to be mad at her for staying with him for so long but looking at her life, honestly I’m surprised she didn’t find someone worse and I can understand why she did what she did. I also understand why he was such an abusive asshole to us, I mean you really got to work hard to fuck up all four other people living with you, so I feel like I’ve been able to work through my emotions at a more healthy level and get to a better head space.

I don’t remember which post it is that I said I felt like I was trading depression for an eating disorder, but I still feel like that. Truth be told, I’m scared of finally being okay. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for so long I don’t know how to live without it. Even though it hurts, I feel like I can function better knowing I’m not okay. Restricting my eating is just one way to keep myself sick.

I don’t do this for attention. I don’t let my family know when I’m going through a rough time. The few times I nearly followed through with wanting to commit suicide, no one knew and I still haven’t told them. I feel like it’s easier to talk through the blog because I’m anonymous. Like no one on here knows my name, who I am, or what I look like.  It’s easier to open up when I’m not looking at another person.

For a brief period last April, I was happy. I finally felt like I was okay and wasn’t suffering from depression anymore. Then the issues with food started. The depression has off and on crept back in though on days where I heavily restrict I don’t feel so bad. If I can starve myself then I can be happy. Honestly, knowing I am depressed, I feel like this is better the option for me because I do get some sort of joy out it at least.

I don’t like feeling the need to hurt myself in order to be okay and I didn’t like being happy. I felt so empty because things were going good. Like why is life okay? Is anything real? I got so meta I wondered if I was dreaming half the time. I could not function being happy. Something bad had to happen so I started restricting and not eating. I feel like my life is complete if part of me is messed up. If there is always a bad thing happening to me then everything else is allowed to be okay.

Moral of the story: Please don’t let abused children suffer, call CPS and get them help. If you’re being abused it’s okay to get help, you have power over you’re abusers.

Favorite saying:
The best revenge is a life well lived.“~ How am I failing and achieving this at the same time?

Okay, Grandpa, can we not?

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

My Grandpa has a bad heart. It’s so bad he has an implantable defibrillator. It was put in a couple days ago so what does he do? Goes out and enjoys the sunshine.

By cleaning up his yard (╬ಠ益ಠ)

Why old men do this I’ll never understand but they need to stop. My Grandpa needs to stop. So I was awake for like 30 minutes, haven’t even had AnnnNnYyy coffee, and I get a call from my Grandma. In a nutshell she wanted me to come over and help him out because he was “Cleaning up the yard and cutting branches.” Ah, hell no. I had plans today. I was going to fix up my yard. Nope.

giphy

Actual image of me outside gardening

Okay so I’m not mad. I don’t mind helping my Grandparents and I spent most of my time with my Grandpa outside. We got a lot done and it was so nice seeing him actually awake and active. He’s had heart issues since like 2009( first heart attack) and it’s been downhill since. I don’t know if heart disease runs in his family but I do know all the drinking, smoking, and cheese eating(I’m surprised that man isn’t made of cheese at this point) has been rough on his heart. Not to mention the jobs he’s done. He logged and worked at a mill then switched gears and became an alfalfa farmer. That shit is hard and even with modern farm equipment and having my Dad take over it’s still pretty rough on an old man.

Today seeing him get up, get a little bit of exercise, and be outside was really nice. Before this he was really tired and would spend the day off and on napping in his chair. According to my Grandma he’s been like this since he got the defibrillator. I’m really happy he’s active again. He still can’t do all the things he wants too and I know he’ll never be the same as before his heart attack but this little bit of progress is really comforting. He doesn’t have much longer but I’m happy the time he has left he’ll still have his independence and presence of mind. I never want to see my parents or grandparents completely invalid,  crippled by age and disease. On both sides of the family we have good genetics( I should mention he’s my step not biological grandpa) but seeing him makes me really want to care for myself.

I don’t want to spend an entire summer in and out of a hospital for something I could’ve prevented or at least mitigated the damage of. I may not eat a whole lot but at least what I do eat is healthy. Except for the Pepsi I had today but I really really  needed the caffeine.  Carrying Indian rocks about ~30 feet and then hauling wood palettes and other pieces of wood another ~100 feet is really tiring. Not to mention I’m doing this in feckin’ sand and dodging Sagebrush on my way to the burn pit. And it was hot today, which I mean is nice and all but a breeze would’ve been really nice.

Yea so my Grandparents now have a relatively fixed up yard and my Grandpa is going to look at the chicken shed so I can get his opinion on what I need to do. He’s thinking because there’s mold the wood is actually press board not plywood. I don’t know nothing about wood but I know mold when I see it so we’ll see what happens there. They are actually a little excited about me potentially having chickens. Trying to get farm fresh eggs out here is a little hard despite everyone’s mother’s brother’s dog’s best friend’s cousin’s uncle raising and selling chicken eggs. Like where are the sellers? I want guilt free farm fresh eggs. I’ll just get my own chickens and name them after my ancestors. I have some ancestors with names that would fit really well on chickens.

That’s a weird thing to say I know but it’s true. I want to get three chickens, all ladies, and name them after a grandma and two aunts.  I’m not sure if I’ve made it clear yet but I really adore chickens.

Hug Chicken GIF - Hug Chicken Kid GIFs

When my Mom was little her parents had some chickens, right up until the neighbor’s dogs got in and killed all of them, and there was a chicken who broke her wing. My Mom fixed her up and trained the chicken to perch on her shoulder. I don’t want a chicken to break her wing but it would be cool having them trained to do stuff like that. Chickens are smart and sweet and I love them and their little chicken faces. Like they look pissed off all the time but I think it’s cute.

🎃Calories Ate: 795.7
🎃Calories Burned: 429
🎃Net Calories: 366.6
🎃Macro Nutrients: 59% ٩(^ᴗ^)۶

Like I said earlier, I had a banana, a Pepsi, then two vegan burgers( my Grandparent’s bought me so I could eat at their place when I visit), with some tomato and onion. They didn’t have any bread so it wasn’t a sandwich, just two patties with some tomato and onion. Coming home I didn’t really feel like eating but I thought I probably should so I could have at least two meals. It was a tofu-veggie scramble with another banana and bell pepper slices. That was my last banana. Fare thee well banana. I need to get more.

By the way, does everything look okay with me doing some fall theming? I’m a bit Gothic and minimal but I like the idea of having a more colorful blog that flows with the seasons. Like just something I could do throughout the year to shake things up a little but not change the overall tone of my blog.

Like I’m using this blog as a way to hold myself accountable for whatever e.d I have and hopeful set myself on the right track as well as just talk about things. I’m really closed off and it’s taken me seven years to tell my best friend I was abused as a child. Like I have communication and trust issues. Writing on here legit makes me want to get better and deal with my problems. It’s also really nice having to do something everyday. I want to post as consistently as possible and that means I have to do something everyday so I can write and not regurgitate the same old stuff over and over again. I feel like I’m doing that with the chicken shed but I’m just excited for chickens. Also I love chickens. ♥️🐣♥️

📷🍽📷20171029_165323.jpg

📷🌸📷

961.jpg

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

 

💀Mini pies💀 are the worst

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Today I wanted to try eating a little better so I actually planned out a meal and got a treat. Well the treat came in the form of one of those pre baked 💀mini pies💀 that I kinda hate. Today I remembered why I hate them. Since  like nearly ten years have passed since the last time I ate one I thought “Okay it’s probably not as bad as what I remember.” No, they really are still crappy.

I’m up 300 calories due to a shitty little 💀mini pie💀. I wanted to get some cookies but the 💀mini pie💀 was smore flavored and I like smores and did not want a whole huge pack of cookies. I wanted to puke, that was the most artificial thing I have ever ate and I hated it. I couldn’t even finish it. So yea, my little adventure into the forbidden evil foods back fired horribly because of 💀mini pies💀. I think I’m just going to stick to eating bananas. They’re high in calories but I actually enjoy eating them.

I took another look at the chicken shed. I think the framing is fine it’s just the siding. If I can replace the walls and re-do the floor the shed should be okay. Somewhere in the process of all that I need to get a new door since my cousins managed to break the original. Still not sure how they managed to literally pull it off but whatever it’s cheap plywood and I have to replace it anyway. There is an outlet in there too but I’m not sure if it actually connects to anything. It would be cool having heat lamps for the chickens during the winter so they wouldn’t get too cold. If the outlets are just decoration I need to come up with an insulation plan. Like even though the walls are completely ruined it wasn’t that cold in there so I’m thinking if I got proper wood siding and sealed it along with fixing the floor, even without heat lamps it should be relatively okay for them. Chickens GIF - Feed Chicken GIFs

Sleep has been illusive with me so I didn’t actually fall asleep until like 4 am. Needless to say I have not done any gardening. Well that’s not true. I transplanted two indoor plants, refreshed the soil in one, trimmed down my tomato, and watered them. So like basic indoor gardening.

To-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe

Two little tomatoes!

I even have two little strawberries coming in but they aren’t photo ready yet. All my outdoor potted plants had to be brought in last month due to some really bad frost. It hasn’t been super bad lately but I’m scared of putting them back outside. So far everything is doing okay indoors and since two of my fruit bearing plants are still bearing fruit, I guess they’re fine with the spot I have them at.

videotogif_2017.10.28_17.32.22.gif

Work in progress for the bazaar I’m attending

🌸Calories Ate: 689
🌸Calories Burned: 219.8
🌸Net Calories: 469.2
🌸Macro Nutrients: 50%

Food today was apple slices, mixed vegetables, bell pepper slices, a Mandarin orange, and homemade potato salad with tofu. It was very filing and surprisingly low in calories. I’m thinking if I can keep making low calorie meals I can start eating maybe twice a day instead of just once. Overall, this was 262.67, the rest of the calories came from that stupid 💀mini pie💀 and a banana. So if I can repeat that meal three times a day that’ll bring me up to ~780 calories per day which is significantly better than what I’m doing. I need to start meal planning.

📷🍽📷

20171028_132619.jpg

📷🌸📷1043.jpg

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

 

Spider in my bra

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Today was a bit of a productive day all things considered. There’s a decrepit looking chicken coop that housed a pony at one point on the property I live at. Why someone decided to put a pony in a shed made for chickens is beyond me but then again it was my cousins so God only knows what goes on in their brain. Anywho, the chicken shed I wanted to get cleaned up is a no-go. I don’t honestly don’t even know how it’s still standing. On the outside it looks like real wood and it looks fine. On the inside it’s just cheap plywood and it’s falling apart. 20171027_124502.jpg

Oh my God. Look at that mold. I left the coop after this because I wasn’t wearing a mask. The photo does not illustrate how bad it really is.

20171027_124515.jpg

Like it would be so easy for a coyote or a badger to get in here and kill the chickens. The ground is nothing but sand. Easily dug through sand. Oh and more mold. I’m surprised this place wasn’t covered in spiders and scorpions but the mold probably killed them.

20171027_195323.jpg

And this is all the random crap I found in here. Why 3 empty coffee cans? Why a fish tank? Why two brands that were not used on the pony? Why the fuck is the door off it’s hinges and how did they manage to break it? God only knows because I sure don’t.

So yea, I just need to buy plans, tear this thing down, and build a proper chicken coop not made out of cheap plywood. Soooo much extra work for me but I really want chickens. I like eggs. I miss eggs. I’m one of those vegans that went vegan because I feel bad for the abused animals but if I knew for sure the animals were being treated better I would go back to eating/using animal products. So if I got my own chickens they would be feed the proper foods, they would be allowed to roam (well in a fenced off section but it would be large), and I know for sure they would be well cared for because I would be the one caring for them. So guilt free eggs and even better I could share the eggs with family so they wouldn’t have to get them from store. ♥️🐣♥️

Remember this? 1073.jpg

Well now it looks like this:

20171027_144853.jpg

Still not a whole lot done but now I have a clear section. And a whole lotta clean up. I need to dig a burn pit or get a stove or something because the level of weeds I’m pulling up is probably a brush fire hazard. Tomorrow my goal is to actually make it to the little maple tree which is practically invisible in the picture but I swear it’s still there!

The driveway is probably like two feet bigger than what I think it is. My cousins did zero outside work so the weeds have had like three years to grow unchallenged and they are about two feet into the driveway. So part of my gardening plan and having daffodils line the drive way probably won’t happen anytime soon. To get the line started I have to dig up fully mature sagebrush and pull up weeds embedded in gravel- part of the reason why so little progress was made today. Oh joy. I’ve dug up juveniles and it is such hassle because their roots go deep out here and to deal with mature sagebrush is a nightmare.

I like sagebrush, I really do. It’s a great bush that naturally grows here, it’s heat, cold, animal, and drought resistant, it harbors birds and rabbits, and it gets tall so it’s a great natural hedge and I’m really reluctant to dig any up. It’s worth it for the daffodils though. Not sure if I’ll remember that when I’m waist deep in sand trying to get the root dug up so it doesn’t regrow but right now I’m just picturing happy little daffodils next Spring.

While taking the picture to show off my weed digging skills, I felt this weird little tap on my back. I thought okay it’s probably my bra and I just shifted weird so whatever. Then I felt it again but a little higher. So I reach under my shirt to feel my bra thinking I must’ve twisted the strap and the tapping I feel is my bra shifting.
Didn’t feel anything.
Bra strap not twisted.
I’m a little worried.
Little tap again.
Okay now I know for sure something is in my shirt so I reach back again and this time my finger close around something small and hard.
I scream.
My phone drops to the ground.
A spider falls out of my shirt and crawls into the weeds.
Fml, I hate spiders. No idea how it managed to crawl unnoticed up the length of my body and get on my bra but it did and I fucking hate it. I haven’t been able to get comfortable at all after that. I’m so paranoid about a spider crawling me it’s ridiculous. I hate them. I hate kill them. I verbally abuse them before, during, and after I kill them. Naturally I live in a prefab house that isn’t entirely sealed so during the winter time I find a spider at least once a week crawling around like a little asshole.

I once a had a dream that spiders were all over my house and they kept chanting “This is our house now.” Then in my dream I fucking started hacking at them a sword screaming “THis is MY house!” And there was probably a lot of cussing too but I don’t remember. I had this dream after finding like three spiders( one being a male black widow) in my house in one day. I was not pleased.

I just got up to refill my water bottle and guess the fuck what I saw hanging out behind my sink. A spider. I fucking hate spiders. 🤜🏼🕷️😠

Food wise it has not been the best today. I ate more fruit but I’m so low in my overall calorie count I’m surprised I haven’t passed out. Tomorrow I wanna be brave and try to make a proper meal but we’ll see.

🌸Calories Ate: 350.2
🌸Calories Burned: 326.8
🌸Net Calories: 23.4
🌸Macro Nutrients: 53%- again mostly thanks to vitamins.

Today’s food was cream of wheat with almond slivers, pomegranate, apple slices, and a banana, topped with some raspberry flavored sugar. Like yay more fruit…. and not much else.

📷🍽📷

20171027_195251.jpg

📷🌸📷

934.jpg

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*