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I hate birth control. I hate birth control and trying to eat healthy. I went from 112 to 115 in a month. Three pounds in one month and like I’m fairly certain most of it is bloat because that’s a side effect of birth control but omigod, I want to hack my uterus out of my body and just end the fucking problem. On of my resolutions was to try to eat healthily(& not cuss so much), get down to and maintain 110 lbs. because that’s a pretty good weight for my height.
Welp, I don’t think I can physically bring myself to eat right now. It all started yesterday when I realized a sandwich I like buying is 770 calories. It was, WAS, one of my safe foods. I finally got a job (yay me 🙂 ) and the store where I bought the evilwich from is like literally across the street and so I thought it would pretty cool getting buying the evilwich for lunch when I work.
It’s probably better I make my own lunches anyways but my logic was feeling good about buying food for myself would be a positive step towards eating properly. I have this problem of not eating at work and I realized this goes all the way back to my first job in 2011, where 80% of the time I didn’t eat lunch. Since EDNOS is basically pushed to the side when eating disorders are talked about, I never knew about it but now I’m fairly certain that’s what I have. Not quite an anorexic but definitely not a healthy eater.
So back to the story, after logging the evilwich, it catapulted me over my calorie limit for the day. I have it on Cronometer set to loose 1 lb a week, which I figured is normal, so I need to stick to a 1144 calorie/day diet. Which 1144 looks super low but I’m also super short (5’1) so I guess that makes sense but it just looks like a high restriction calorie limit I’ve seen on MPA (don’t judge). A 770 calorie sandwich leaves me with only 374 calories. The breakfast I made was pretty much 300 calories because I was eating an onion bun with some avocado. Pretty much when I got home I had no calories left for dinner and I ate something anyways and then proceeded to hate myself for the rest of night.
I got so stressed out the stupid rash I have became aggravated. I would post pics of the rash because honestly I don’t know what it is but I also don’t want to gross anyone out.
My PCP said it was eczema. She also said I probably had a double vagina and whoops, I’m being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder effecting my ovaries, so I don’t really trust anything she told me. I wish my endocrinologist doctor was my PCP. Whatever the rash is, is literally making my skin a full shade darker. Like the outer edges of it are rough and itchy but the center is smooth. It’s like a reverse vitiligo but itchy.
Onto good news, I got a job. So no more working for Fubi and Step-Mom or ruining my hearing being stuck in a tractor for 12-16 hours a day for the entire summer working with pissy little high school students who have no work ethic and enjoy Step-Mom’s stupid little power games that undermine my authority as team leader. Now I can work at register or run around the apparel department all day until I get promoted because the only reason I’m not in a management position is I’m new to the store and they want to see how I interact with the team before moving me up. So yea, leading a group of shit people is actually paying off because I’m qualified for higher positions.
♡〜٩( ˃́▿˂̀ )۶〜♡
I can’t stand being around Fubi or Step-Mom. They’re having issues and it shows. Like okay, get this because this. is. bogus.
The MORNING AFTER CHRISTMAS Step-Mom texted me, Little Sister, and Step-Sister that she and Fubi don’t want gifts from us anymore, they want us to save our money or donate it to charities. Good God, I wish I saved the text so I could post it up here. It just reeked of assholery and arrogance. Little Sister and I didn’t bother responding.
I’m fairly certain it was directed at just me and Little Sister due to some stuff Step- Sister has let slip and Step-Mom just included her daughter in the text so it wouldn’t seem like she was targeting us if we decided to tell anyone about the text. Naturally IDGAF about Fubi and Step-Mom but we were just blown away by her text. She sent it at 7 am the morning after Christmas. It was the first thing she did before starting her day. Like, WFT?
At least now I won’t have to see them on a daily basis over the summer so I can stay out of their stupid drama/ power play thing they have going on for no reason. Like who treats their family this way? Since I’m down sizing I told everyone like a month before Christmas not to get me anything, I didn’t do it the morning after I received a bunch of gifts.
Supposedly they got me something but I had no idea because I didn’t spend Christmas with them. When I dropped off their gifts, Step-Mom barely talked to me and didn’t even bother letting me know I had something so I just assumed I got what I wanted, which was nothing. I didn’t know there was a gift for me until I went to visit Grandma&Grandpa (on Fubi’s side).
Mind you, Fubi was in the house too making a sandwich and he couldn’t even tell me that. He mostly ignored me except to say I never visit and I should more. Like why I should visit you after the way I was treated over the summer and especially after your wife sends out that kind of text the. morning. after. Christmas? And I said not to get me anything because I want to live in a converted van, the last thing I need is more stuff when I’m trying to downsize.
It’s been one month and I haven’t gone over. In this particular power play, I’m going to win because I don’t want anything from them.
This was supposed to be positive section of my post but alas, it didn’t really work out that way. Okay um, more positive news…
ʅ（ ◜‸‾）ʅ（‾‸◝）ʃ（‾‸◝ ）ʃ
At least now I feel like eating something. So yay for me. Blogging about my issues makes me want to eat right and exercise so woo. Sorry this came off as so ranty. I’m really frustrated about the birth control and anytime Fubi is around it makes me so upset.
I’ve been exercising more lately and I actually can notice a difference in my body and it feels good. Like I’ve been doing a squat workout and my butt and legs do look more toned and overall I feel better eating properly. I know I actually haven’t gained weight, it’s mostly bloat because I can physically feel and see how distended my stomach and abdomen is even though I haven’t eaten anything but that doesn’t help when I step on the scale and I’m being shown that I’m inching backwards with my weight. Also the birth control is making me very emotionally volatile.
I don’t know if this is what happens when your body stops making estrogen at 13 and suddenly gets it at 25 or if this is just how birth control works. Either way, my hair is still falling out, I’m still super fatigued, my rash is still spreading, and my teeth are still acting like they want to give into gum disease despite my best efforts.
At least I have health insurance（；¬＿¬).
Some really cool news, the Jewish part of my heritage is now confirmed. Awhile back I took a dna test that goes through all the mother’s only and Ashkenazim (is that the right word?)showed up rather frequently. I went out to Jewishgen.org and started inputting names to see if anything came up. Yea, on Mom’s side, going back through all the mothers is Ashkenazim, in fact that’s pretty much the family line until the 1700s when they started marrying non Jews. It’s also like that on a line on Fubi’s side but I haven’t told anyone on that side.
When I found out our Native American heritage started because a black girl was kidnapped by Native Americans in Idaho Fubi literally said “I don’t have no nigger in me.”
ಠ_ಠ Way to go Fubi.
I’m going to do a post about what I’ve found because frankly, I find it amazing even if Fubi is a raging racist failure of a person and most people on his side are low-key racist towards other minorities.
So yea, my European heritage is actually mostly Jewish, my Native American heritage is actually near non-existent and it was started by a black women, who has a massive mystery surrounding her.
The things I’m finding are exciting. Grandma (on Fubi’s side I think I’ll start calling her Grandma Farm) and I took a dna test that’ll go back 3-4 generations on all sides so I’m excited to see what gets brought up. We don’t know anything about Fubi’s father except he died after leaving Grandma Farm in a very massive dick-faced moved so having some dna show up from his side of the family through me is pretty exciting.
Because the Jewish and African heritage is so far back I’m not too sure if it’ll show up, same with any of the results I got going back through the mother, since most of them are 1000-1500 in the past if I understand HRV-1 &2 matches correctly. It’ll probably show up as mostly Scot-Irish and English since those are the most recent ethnic groups that have married into the line. I wish it went back further so I could get a more accurate picture.
Now the only issue is they haven’t started working on our kits because everyone ordered a kit over the holidays soooooo I get to sit here with my curiosity for a while. In the mean time, I’m going to look for more Jews and try to figure out where 14% Algerian came from through all the mothers because that’s a lot for just one particular line, except it’s an HRV-1 match so and I don’t think records going back that far exist. Also I hear an avocado calling my name so today I’ll keep up my healthy eating streak. Except it’s 3:30 in the afternoon so I guess today for eating is a half success?
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