Control

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and throughout the searching I’ve been looking back at my life and realizing it really sucked.

My first memory is of Fubi getting up in Mom’s face and calling her a bitch and whore, then being spotted and having to hide in my bedroom with Little sister while Mom cried in the living room and Fubi went storming off to go drink and/or snort coke.

Is it any wonder I have issues?

My depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and disordered eating are a result of the child abuse I suffered at the hands of Step dad, made worse by Mom’s compliance, and Fubi’s neglect. From there I learned not to trust and to seize control in my life wherever possible.

Control, control, control otherwise I’ll be abused again.

Everything must be a certain and it must be in a way I made. If I can’t make something a certain way then I must learn the rules of the thing and strive to follow the rules.

I’m tired of doing that.

I’m so tired of trying to make everything just so. Even when I attempt to relax I must do it in a certain way. I create walls, boundaries, lists, and barriers and in the midst of all that I isolate myself from others. It’s easier to be a control freak when you don’t have to account for other people’s action.

I hate a change in circumstance that is not of my own making or at least following a set of rules. I don’t like random. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like guessing games, intrigue, or mystery.  I like things out in the open and blunt so I can see them and run away if necessary.

Running away and control.

One of the ways I control people is by running away from them. It’s not really controlling them, it’s controlling my interactions with them but still. I’ve ran away from so many people I’m not sure if I can ever truly make a meaningful connection. It worries me that may  I subconsciously group my family in with other people and that’s why I can go days without talking to them.

I don’t think I can ever be genuine with anyone.

I’m worried that when I do try to form a connection with someone it’s going to be unhealthy and toxic because I just straight up don’t know what a healthy relationship or friendship looks like.

I ran away from my best friend of seven years. It was actually a rare justified run away and I’m not going into details beyond it’s probably not a good idea to want one’s virgin best friend to do a rape/knife play threesome with one’s fiancee. That just makes things really really awkward.

It also justifies my desire to keep people at arms length because holy shit I did not need to know what she really thought of me. Anyways, I seem to attract people in my life that also do not know how to form healthy relationships with others.

So back to control. I’ve controlled all my friends out of my life, I’ll control Fubi out of my life eventually, and I’m desperately trying to not control the rest of the family I actually love.

Part of me has always been thrilled at the idea of disappearing. Just run off to start a new life, get bored, wash, rinse, repeat until I’m happy. I even sort of did that. From 2010 to last year, I moved at least once a year. Six years of moving. Six years of trying to restart myself. Six years of battling depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and feeling of crippling failure. I never found what I was looking for.

When I get my tiny house I’ll start looking again but maybe it won’t be so bad.

I fully intend on building a 7×12 Vardo and just roaming. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I don’t know if I’m trying to find a home or a person, or my happiness. I don’t know if I even want to find it. I’m so used to being neurotic like this I don’t know if I’ve passed the point of no return. I was happy at one point and that lead to me giving into a eating disorder because nothing bad was happening.

I tried to give up some control today. For the past two days I have wanted to binge so fucking hard core. Like balls to the wall binge on everything. Thankfully I live an hour away from the nearest grocery store and an hour and a half away from the store with all the food I wanted to binge on. Unfortunately there are two mini-marts where I live and I bought some binge food. Non-vegan binge food. I didn’t binge. It tasted awful. I bought two boxes of Annie’s non-vegan mac’n’cheese and loaf of garlic bread. It didn’t taste good. I don’t think I could stop being a vegan even I wanted too.

I didn’t even eat half of the mac’n’cheese or bread. It was like half a serving and three slices of bread before I gave up.  The food tasted awful and kinda fake and it just killed all my binge urges.

At least now I can control binge urges and next time I’m just going to buy a shit of avocados and eat guacamole with those mustard chips I really like. At least then I know I’ll enjoy the food and it won’t make me feel sick.

On top of my control issues regarding friends, family, and food, I have massive control issues regarding romantic relationships and sex.

I’ve only been in two relationships. I essentially pushed both guys away by not communicating. That was back in 2008 and 2010. Haven’t been in one since.

I can’t bring myself to open up to anyone. I can’t imagine living with anyone. I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone. My gawd, I am so disgusted by sex and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been sexually abused so why I’m so weird about sex I have no idea.

Like to illustrate my sex issue, I had a dream where I did have sex with someone then it switched over to me floating in the middle of the ocean on a iceberg praying to God about how much I wanted die. I almost started crying when I woke up because I was so relieved to still be a virgin.

At this point I don’t think I want to be with anyone and the dream kinda shows that.

When planning for the future, I’m alone. No husband, no children, and at this point probably no animals after the current ones. When I picture my life I’m happy, successful at things I want to do, and living in my Vardo.

I can’t even live in a regular house because I must be able to freely leave. Except for now but that’s because I’m getting myself to a place of independence so I can have a Vardo and travel without worry.

Never have I seen myself with anyone. I don’t know what that would look like. I just know that I’ll create strict rules they’ll have to follow and it’ll lead to me someday running away because I can’t control them.

That’s not healthy.

I think it’s best if I avoid the situation all together and just try to take care of my eating habits and mental health.

My favorite song is “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado. The whole song resonates me. Like I wanted to quote part of it but after finding the lyrics I just want to quote the whole thing so I’m going to. Makes me feel like a teenage on Facebook, quoting songs and shit.

You’re beautiful, that’s for sure
You’ll never ever fade
You’re lovely but it’s not for sure
That I won’t ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is , I don’t know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don’t know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It’s not that I wanna say goodbye
It’s just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I’m going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I’m just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x3]

📷🖌📷

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚Happy Fall・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*Pumpkingirl for blog.png

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

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