***I’m not okay so this is my panic rant I swear I’ll be fine by morning but right now I need somewhere to vent.***
I hate using my phone for this because of the way I have to type. Like I need a keyboard that hooks up to my phone. I just shut off my laptop and I don’t want to turn it back on.
After I made the last post I decided to eat something more. So I made up some veggies and tofu. It was basically what I ate earlier without the Udon noodles so about ~70 calories.
And that has me in tears. I started in on my negative chanting and the urge to puke is almost overwhelming. I don’t know why I have this phobia around my teeth but it is literally the only thing preventing me from becoming bulimic at this point and I’m really scared it’ll get to the point where I won’t even care and I’ll just vomit everything back up. If I could puke after every meal I totally would.
Its just 70 calories but I feel like I failed. I ate something outside of my meals and now I’m going to get fat. Never mind when my family was visiting I ate a shit ton of tortillas and now I’m massively bloated because for.some.damn reason I can’t eat anything with flour without magically gaining 5 lbs. I know if I don’t eat bread in a couple of days I’ll go back down to 113 because this has before but right now I don’t even care because when I weighed myself this morning I was 115 and that’s all that matters right now.
Omigod I swear having to go back fix everything I type its making my angry sad and I just want to curl and feel my stomach rumble. I haven’t felt truly hungry in awhile and I’m worried I got used to eating again and I really don’t want to eat tomorrow. When Mom was here she making comments about how little food I have. I don’t want her to catch on. She told me I look good and I’m skinny but I swear to God all I see is fat.
I feel like nothing has changed between 145 and now. My stomach is huge, my arms are huge, my thigh gap is a lie because my fucking thigh are huge, like nothing about me is skinny. I can wrap my hands around my thigh but I swear I must be hallucinating because everytime I look down they’re still so fucking fat. I think my wrists are permnately swollen too because they haven’t changed at all. I want to take body check pictures so I can compare to the last set I took but I don’t think I can even look at myself right now.
I don’t want to cry anymore but I feel so damn numb. It’s like I’m not even typing this. Earlier I was looking at myself and I look so tired. I’ve always had dark circles but it looked like someone punched me, it was so bad. I don’t know how Mom can say I look good. I don’t feel good.