I almost cried over fruit

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Not my proudest moment. Yesterday I said I wanted to eat more fruit and because it’s now forever etched into the internet I must follow through. So I went to the store, which despite being a small town market actually has some amazing produce, and got some fruit. I got a small bunch of bananas, a pomegranate, a bag of mandarin oranges, 3 lemons, an apple, and I know it’s not a fruit but I also grabbed a cucumber.

~♥Hello lemon cucumber water♥~20171023_220612.jpg

And yes I cut my lemons into squares. When life gives you lemons cut them into little squares.

Then I almost starting crying on my way home thinking:
“Oh God, I bought all this food now I have to eat it.”
Because my brain told me that I must eat it all now today right damn now or it’ll rot and be a waste of money. Logically I know I don’t have to eat it all today and I don’t have the stamina to peel an entire bag of Mandarin oranges but in the moment I did not know that and grew frightened of the tiny little oranges and their evil ways. It did not help at all while in the store I started to go into melt down mode.
🌸 First, I was worried the food is going to go bad since I barely eat anything & I don’t want to waste money.
🌸 Secondly, I got freaked out by all the sugar in fruit(it really is a lot), which is why I don’t eat it too often. I have nightmares of being chased by monsters or murdered & a tooth will fall out & then the whole dream becomes about my teeth falling out & I’m crying horribly & the monster is all awkward & yea. I’m weird about my teeth.
🌸 Thirdly, I decided to be brave and treat myself to a small pre baked brownie or something. Except everything I wanted had milk & eggs & being a vegan those weren’t an option. What was an option was the near 500 calories mini pies I hate eating. So I was feeling a bit down about & that just made me even more anxious about buying food.

Thankfully I did not cry over uneaten fruit but it was a big WTF moment for me. On a very positive note, I bought a bag of potato chips and ATE them. Okay so not the whole bag but I ate at least two and half servings. The issue is I know I ate two and half servings because I counted the out the chips like an absolute nutcase. Also I bought some diet soda. I don’t drink soda because again the whole teeth thing but I figured this isn’t too bad and I deserve something nice. Like guilt free soda. By the way, anyone know what Pepsi Crystal tastes like? I saw some in the store but it’s 250 calories and I can’t justify buying it. But if it tastes good I’ll try to be brave. Honestly it can’t taste that weird, can it? I’m not really into soda unless it’s the lavender or cucumber ones, which are kinda hard to find unfortunately. What I’m saying is if something has cucumber I will probably try it at least once because I love cucumber so much.
cucumberwatersogood

I really only bought the chips and soda because I’m working on some ancestry stuff & holy f*cking shit if I find one more relative named Sarah, John, or Christina I’m going to dig up my ancestors grave & punch them right in their skeleton faces😡👊🏼💀. Ugh, this has me so stressed so I thought okay for dealing with my ancestors being stupid( I should do a post about everything that annoys with my ancestors) with names and not being able to find a treat earlier I should buy some potato wedges! But the place that makes them uses milk in their formula soooo I bought potato chips. Kinda the same thing, right? Not really but for me close enough. I’m going to try to finish the bag and not toss it. I don’t like wasting money but I hate having any sort of snack around so I’ll buy something, eat like half and throw away the rest because I just can’t handle it. It’s not a good habit.

Meal wise I’ve only had some rice and frozen veggies but I did have two snacks- the chips and 3 Mandarin oranges. My goal is to eat at least one Mandarin orange a day until the bag is gone.

🌸Calories Ate: 545.3(Yea I didn’t eat all the rice otherwise my count would be higher)
🌸Calories Burned: 181.9
🌸Net: 363.4  (fml)
🌸 Macro Nutrients: 54% (thanks to the vitamins and oddly enough, the chips)

My very first attempt at food photography. Usually I take photos of cats and flowers but maybe taking pictures of my meals will encourage me to eat more? I mean I posted about wanting to eat more fruit and then I actually ate some fruit today. I still did a shit job with actually eating and nearly all of my calories came from the chips but an effort was made and that still counts, right? Haha, not with that low of a net calorie count 😓 I don’t know why I feel physically incapable of finishing the rice. Like it is exactly one serving of rice and veggies yet it just… I don’t know. It just looks bad. Like it looks good and it tastes good but I feel bad about eating it. I didn’t throw it away. It’s in my fridge and it will be my breakfast. It’s now forever recorded on the internet so I have to follow through.

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*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

♥The One Lovely Blog Award♥

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Wow I didn’t know this was a thing, I’m so new the whole blogging sphere 😛
Thank you so much to Chaotic Mess for the nomination. I’m only ten posts in but the notifications I get from people liking my posts, commenting, and following me is really humbling. I didn’t think anyone would enjoy reading my rambles. Thank you everyone ❤

The Rules:

  • Thank the person who nominated you and link their blog
  • Add the One Lovely Blog Award to your post
  • Share 7 things about yourself
  • Pass this on to as many people as you like (max 15)
  • Include this set of rules
  • Inform your nominees

 

7 Things About Myself

🌸 I’m an avid gardener.🌸

🌸 I have 2 cats & a leopard tortoise.🌸

🌸 I’m building up my own small business. I finally got business cards!🌸

🌸 My favorite song is ‘I’m Like a Bird’ by Nelly Furtado.🌸

🌸I love playing video games.🌸

🌸I’m the oldest of 3 sisters.🌸

🌸 I live in a desert but it’s technically classified as a Steppe.🌸

 

I need to follow people so I can nominate others.  I’m a digital hermit (-_-)

📷🌸📷

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Trying something a little different

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Today has been good and bad. It’s bad in that I’m bloated up by two pounds and the only reason I can come up with is that I’m eating way too much salt. It’s good in that I’m trying to take care of myself a little better so I’ve been knocking back water and actually took my vitamins. I track macro nutrients so I have a ton of really nice of vitamins that often left forgotten in the cupboard. Not today though!

Due to being bloated I thought it would be nice to take a bath and relax and maybe that would help me feel a little better. Well it was great plan until I looked at the bathtub and realized it should probably be clean it first. It hasn’t been properly scrubbed it down in like a month. Mind you, I live alone so it’s not like things need to be cleaned super consistently and I am not a messy person to begin with but I thought if I was going to relax, might as well do it in a freshly cleaned tub. The whole thing turned into “If you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to want milk…” and so on. Now my whole bathroom is clean and laundry is getting done and the kitchen is my next target. So much for relaxing in the bath tub but I do feel better.

What I really want to do is garden. I have a bag of daffodil bulbs I want to get planted for next year which getting them in the ground isn’t that big of a project. What is a big project is digging up the space where I want to put them. I realize now maybe pictures would helpful but it’s really cold and rainy outside so you’ll just have to make due with my crappy description. Where I live is covered in sage brush, sand, and weeds and where I want to put the bulbs is covered in weeds, baby sagebrush, and gravel because whoever graveled the driveway decided that the rocks need to be everywhere. Mowing the lawn next the driveway is a bit of a challenge. Like will I hit a rock and have it ruin the lawn mower or will it just make a lot of noise and fly off deeper into the lawn? Who knows but it stresses me out. There is literally an entire section next the house I can’t do anything too because of all the gravel. How I managed to get a Yew planted there this summer I don’t even know.

When the ground is wet it’s pretty easy to pull the weeds up and get the ground ready for the bulbs but issue is when the ground is wet that also means the wind is blowing and it’s probably rainy. Like today. We’re in the middle of a storm right now and that’s fine and dandy but I have outside stuff to do. When I do any sort of exercise I log it to see how many calories have been burned and when I garden I fucking garden so I burn a lot of calories which means I’ll treat myself to something a little higher in calories like pancakes with syrup and fruit. Can’t really justify surviving off of pancakes when I’m pretty much just playing Skyrim all day. Today I’m trying hard just to justify the noodles I ate.

As a way to like record myself, for better or worse, I want to start a food diary on here but given that I have ed tendencies I’m worried I’ll come off as pro-ana or something. Personally I don’t want to record my food and then have someone look a it and think they can survive off of my bad diet. Also I’m a little self conscience about what I eat. It tends to be the same couple of meals everyday. Part of that is I don’t care too much about variety and part of it the nearest grocery store is an hour and half away so I just grab what I know I can handle repeatedly. So lots of frozen veggies, noodles, and rice. I want to break by eating more fruit but if I buy food want to make a meal out of it and fruit has always been seen as a snack to me and I can’t justify buying a snack.

All my calories I allow myself to eat must go towards at least one full meal a day otherwise it feels like a binge. I can’t even eat a fucking banana without calling that a binge. I like fruit and I hate I’ve become so weird about it now. I suppose I could make like protein smoothies and have that be a meal replacement but I’ve never really liked smoothies. I blame Jamba Juice. Every time I got a smoothie from them it upset my stomach and now I just don’t like smoothies. Stupid Jamba Juice and all their lies. Smoothies are overrated anyways.

Anyways, maybe I’ll just post up my calorie count for the day. At it stands I don’t plan on eating anything else today so yea.
Calories Ate: 335.2 (=_=)
Calories Burned: 182.4 (=_=)
Net: 152.7 (ouch (=_=) )
Macro Nutrients: 42% completed. Not too bad thanks to the vitamins.

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I’m gonna be just fine

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In an effort to be more open I think I’m going to start treating my blog a bit like my diary. Needless so say I have a lot crap to work through.  Yesterday’s post helped out a little and I did try to eat. That both worked and didn’t work mainly because I over estimated what I could physically handle and because everything just tasted off. Part of that was the anxiety of eating so much I’m sure but yea, I tried. So, I’m going to switch gears and talk about something that really upsets me and I have zero control over.

Basically I have premature menopause. It’s where women get menopause way before they’re supposed, obviously, and puts them at an increased risk for a shit ton of things, hair may fall out, and I have a better chance of becoming the first Christian female leader of ISIS than I do of ever having a child. But hey at least I have no signs of cancer or tumors in my uterus 🙂

For now.

It’s something that has off and on bothered me for awhile now but I think it started to hit hard when my little sister got pregnant. I was happy for her. I really was because I knew she and her boyfriend(now fiance) wanted to start a family and I thought it would be cool being an aunt. It is pretty cool being an aunt and I love my nephew to bits. He’s such a great baby and being part of his life is amazing.

I don’t really want to have a child. Honestly with the way I live there isn’t much room for a kid. I just wish it was my choice. It’s easier saying you don’t want a kid if you can control when it happens. I read a really sad article once by a doctor that specialized in fertility. In a nutshell, he told women that went through premature menopause to just look at adoption. He had his heart broken by so many patients having their hearts broken over their lack of ability to conceive or even get their bodies to accept the baby and told women to just adopt or learn to be happy without a child. Just because we have treatment options doesn’t mean they actually work and with my family’s medical history the treatments are likely to be just straight up useless.

I mean my god, my Grandma had a combined total of 9 miscarriages and still births, both she and my Mom died during the birth and had to be resuscitated. My Grandma on my Dad’s side had to have a hysterectomy because she was showing signs of cancer in her uterus(this happened when she was in her early 20s & at the time that was the best treatment option since her twin got Uterine cancer & had to have her uterus removed).My Mom has endometriosis, had at least one complication giving birth to me and my two sisters, and had an ectopic pregnancy that basically ended any chance of having more kids. My little sister can only have children through a C-section because her cervix is so small a baby can’t pass by it, so she’s limited to just one more child. And I have premature menopause. Only time will tell what will happen with my baby sister and I as much as I would like a niece, part of me hopes sister#2 never has one because of all the health issues she will probably face.

I don’t really cry over this except for three times. The first was when I was living in Wyoming and it just hit me really hard one day. I was living there at a time when it seemed like everything single women I saw was pregnant. The second time was when I found out my little sister was pregnant. The third was coming back home from my pelvic ultrasound that confirmed this is indeed premature menopause and not something wrong developmental with me.

I’ve resigned myself to being childless. Honestly saving up for an adoption is just too much. I’ve seen the prices for children and it’s just straight up something I don’t think I could ever afford. Like adoption is an option if you’re upper class and can afford to just comfortably blow thousands and thousands of dollars on a child and be financially secure enough afterwards to still care for them.

Admittedly, this( along with other issues) deters me a bit from dating. Like how do you even approach someone and be like yea, can’t really start a family with me but hey at least animals exist, amirite? Yea, no.

As silly as it sounds, right now my biggest concern with all of this is that I’m going to get labeled a childless crazy cat lady. Like I only have two cats but already people call me a cat lady. I swear, wanna trigger me into an autistic rage of anger, just call me a cat lady. I hate that term and stereotype so much.  When my cats do pass away I’m going to get a small dog. I’ve already decided I’ll take a break from pets (except for my tortoise who will probably outlive me) and then I’ll get a dog.

For now, I’m happy being an aunt and I totally understand why Mary J Blige’s song ‘Just Fine’ is labeled the cool aunt song. 20170723_133126.jpg

 

Also totally glad I never had to deal with this situation:Screenshot_20170626-203754.png

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I don’t even know anymore

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I think I was six when I first felt fat. There was a really popular girl my class I thought was so pretty. She always dressed nice, had long blonde hair, and of course she hated me for a reason I still can’t quite work out.

Compared to her I felt so ugly. I dressed in the optional school uniform because for some reason my parents thought it was mandatory, my hair was short and brown, I was very timid, and most of all I had a big belly. Looking back at pictures of myself while growing up, I’ve been an average weight pretty much until the end of high school.

During recess I would run around all over the playground and was only happy if I was sweating like a boy. I wasn’t sure what exercise was but I knew the more I sweated the more my stomach would shrink because all the boys were really skinny.

It didn’t help that no one liked me. I felt like someone tattooed “Bully Me” on my forehead in an ink that everyone except for me could see.  I’ve had issues with bullies all the way up until high school. Throughout that time I was already pretty down due to living in an abusive household. More often than not I would contemplate if throwing myself in front of a car would kill me or if I would just wind up in a hospital hated by everyone for not killing myself properly.  It did not help that my step Dad said if we ever tried to kill ourselves and failed we would be kicked out. I’m not sure why he would randomly say this to us. Like maybe he knew we were suffering but whenever he would say that it was really random and not relevant to whatever was going on.

My self harm did not take the form of cutting. Mainly because we were too fucking poor for me to sneak some money to buy razor blades. We did have fleas though and I am very allergic to them. When I get bit, the bite swells to the size of a quarter and becomes as hard as rock. It discolors to look almost like a bruise and them will scab over even if I don’t touch it. It gave me the perfect chance to hurt myself. I have so many scars all over from picking at scabs just so I could watch myself bleed. I felt so good watching the skin pull away and blood come out. It was addicting. We lived in a shitty ghetto apartment (~2004- 2010 Chula Vista. Not sure what it’s like now but when I was growing up the city was a shit hole) with management that didn’t bother doing anything about the flea infestation mainly because they were more preoccupied with changing our complex name every month. I kid you not I don’t know what the complex was called because it changed its name once a month. It also happened to change managers once a month too so if you had an issue, good fucking luck.

But back to me self harming. Our step dad was overweight, short, and diabetic. He did not understand portion control for himself or his children. From the time our Mom started dating him, we were given these massive portions. I look at my nephew’s plates and the plates for children in stores and what we were given were adult sizes. And we were forced to eat it or be physically struck, often with a belt. It didn’t help that we were not allowed to not like foods. There was a dish, I can’t remember what it was, and I hated it. I was forced for two hours to eat it and was only allowed to stop when I puked it back up. Little did I know I was lactose sensitive so it was probably all the fucking milk and butter that made me puke. We were not allowed to not eat. I learned over the years to just ignore my stomach if it hurt. I ate so much fucking dairy and felt sick all the time I’m surprised it took until 2011 for me to realize what my issue was.

Middle school was a very dark period for me. On top of entering a new school, that was nick named Hell by everyone who went there, I found myself isolated. I had no friends for the first year and my grades were atrocious. It wasn’t until 8th grade art class did I finally meet people I could call my friends. Looking back now I was more like a tag-along they felt sorry for so they tolerated my presence at school. Part of me knew this but since I wasn’t kicked out of their circle I didn’t really care.

Despite meeting new people I could actually talk too on some level, I still felt really bad. I was suffering hardcore from depression and my anxiety was starting to rear its ugly head. I felt like my biggest issue at the time was that I was fat. Not so because I was around 115-120, which for my  height (5’1) is pretty average. I hid myself in super baggy clothes and dreamed of the day I would be skinny and pretty and everyone would love me. That day never came in high school nor in my brief stint at college. Despite weighing only 114 lbs I still feel horribly fat. I don’t see any difference between myself now and myself at my highest weight of 145. I’ve obsessively measured myself so I know I’m shrinking but I don’t see it. I have a skirt with a 24 inch waistline that I can almost wear comfortably but I feel like that means nothing. I can wear size small tights and not muffin top but still I’m 145 in my head.

Since April, which was also my 1 year anniversary of being suicidal thought free, shooting for two years now, I don’t think I’ve eaten a normal meal. It’s almost like I traded in my suicidal thoughts for an eating disorder. I still get a little depressed and my anxiety is bad enough now I do want to get properly diagnosed so I can get help for it.

I don’t know who I am if I’m not feeling broken. I had a very brief period in April where I felt legitimately happy. I also felt a little empty. My life was fine so when does the bad thing happen? I don’t want help for my eating right now. It’s the bad thing that hurts me so everything else can be good. If I don’t have at least one bad thing continually ongoing then something really awful must be coming is my logic. Loosing weight is great for me, like it is the thing that keeps me wanting to do this to myself. I’m finally going to be skinny and happy, I just need to suffer everyday for it.

I know all of this is fucked up. I have no illusions about what I’m doing. I feel like since I haven’t been properly diagnosed then it isn’t that bad. I have no labels attached me so I can’t possibly be hurting myself in any meaningful way because if this is legit then everyone would know and I would be forced to get help. I feel like because no one has caught onto my issues then this isn’t real, that my suicidal thoughts were just made up and if I tell anyone then I’ll be lying because while I was having them no one tried to help me. If no one knows then there is no issue and I’m fine. I’m just loosing weight and finally feeling like my life is coming together.

 

As it stands, it’s currently 12:21 pm and I haven’t eaten a thing. IMG_20170723_161822_940.jpg

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*