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My job, a.k.a my Dad, I mean.
My parents divorced when I was five but the memories I do have of them being together are not happy. Weirdly enough I do remember trying to kill myself at five. In my baby mind I thought if I jumped off the front porch I would hit my head die because my Mom would tell me not to play on the steps otherwise I could well, hit my head and die. They were having a real bad argument one day and I was so miserable I thought maybe if I died they wouldn’t fight anymore so I jumped off the steps and face planted into the sand. Obviously I did not die but knowing that was an actual suicide attempt by my five year old self is pretty surreal.
Dad and Job are tied together due to him being the unofficial boss of the family farm. I should mention he does drugs and drinks consistently so it’s a game of “Is he drunk, high, or just a bitch today?” Sometimes it’s a combination of all three. I’m really happy my Mom got custody of us and honestly I’m only sticking around for my Grandparents at this point.
I don’t love him, in fact I resent him. As a Christian I don’t feel comfortable feeling that way about my father, hot damn though I can’t stand him.
Before we go further, there is a lot more to this story than what I’m saying. The internet is not the appropriate place to air all my grievances, especially regarding my family and all their lovely skeletons.
At this point I don’t imagine my relationship with him surviving past the death of my Grandparents. As it stands, I dislike referring to him as my Dad so I’ll simply call him Fubi. I’m not explaining that one. It’s funny in a sad sort of way.
Fubi at best is a mediocre father, at worst emotionally abusive and neglectful. I got enough of that from Step Dad, I don’t need it from Fubi.
Today he was training me to do something called harrowing. Basically you take a giant metal net, hook it up to a tractor, and drag it across a field to knock down gopher mounds. It is as easy as sounds and it took less than five minutes for me to understand what to do. Despite having a bad back, he stayed in the tractor for about an hour ranting. Thankfully none of it was directed at me and I’m not going into detail about what was said and honestly all the issues are of his own making so I just disregarded it.
However, he stresses me the fuck out. The entire hour my anxiety went from 0 to 100 in .001 seconds. I can not handle being around him. I never know which Fubi I’m getting and what he’s going to criticize(unjustly) me on. I have a headache and binged my way up to 662.7 calories, when it was hovering around a nice ~400. It wasn’t a real binge but I over ate with dinner and now my stomach hurts.
After he left I was really angry about nothing in particular, just sitting in the tractor pissed off as can be for no reason. Being around him and working for him pushes me back into my depression and I almost started having suicidal thoughts. I work so hard to not think that way and an hour with him and I’m back to square one. It’s no wonder the eating issues started happening now that I’ve been around him consistently for two years. Yes I am blaming him for making my anxiety so bad I developed an eating disorder.
I managed to catch myself but I was going down a real negative path and it scares me how easy it was to fall back into the habit of calling myself stupid, fat, worthless…. everything mean that I could say to myself I started to say. I’m okay now but this is just another reminder of why I need another job. Another year around him and I’ll probably start drinking.
On a side note, did you know you burn calories driving? I knew that but I didn’t know how much. Hint: it’s a lot and truckers are fat because they eat too much.
🎃Calories Ate: 662.7
🎃Calories Burned: 651.6- all from being in a tractor! Given how hungry I was after I guess it makes sense.
🎃Net Calories: 11.1- and I honestly can’t eat anymore to bring my net up. I legit tried and all I have to show for it is a stomach ache.
🎃Macro Nutrients: 25%- it’s cause I’m not taking my vitamins today. I should’ve taken them in the morning but I forgot.
Today is one of those weird days where I ate three times. For breakfast it was veggies and tofu because I woke up late and rushed making lunch. It wasn’t until I had the tofu cut and cooking did I realize it will not keep until lunch. So breakfast was an accident but I still ate it. Lunch was plain potatoes, bell pepper slices, and some chips. I meant to have more in there but I ran out of fruit and again, woke up 30 minutes late, and dinner was Udon noodles, tofu, and veggies. I’m trying really hard to eat my tofu before it expires. Honestly, I didn’t finish dinner. I made way too many noodles out of anger and I’m a bit sad about it now. I still have a headache too. Today was a hard day for me.
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