Working through stuff

I bought the honey mustard chips again. I really like them and I’m not counting them on my calories ate. It’ll give me too much anxiety and I feel like leaving them out is some sort of progress. I was hit with the thought as I was coming back from the store I like not eating.

It was one of those weird thoughts that popped into my head but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. Days were I don’t eat I feel in control. It’s a kind of angry control but it still makes me feel good. Oddly enough, not eating gives me a sort of structure in my life. I plan out when, what, and how much down to the exact gram(food scales are a double edged sword) much I’m eating. Having that control on a day-to-day basis makes me feel like I’m doing something right.

So much of my life is out of my control and at this stage in my life that doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve gone through a lot of hardship and worked my way out of it and I feel like a better stronger person for it. Restricting and not eating is something entirely in my control though and the reward for the control is loosing weight and feeling powerful and successful.

I really need structure in my life beyond controlling my food to such an unhealthy extreme. My job is seasonal and I’m approaching the end of the season. As soon as it starts snowing I’m pretty much down and out of work and therefore structure. Having hours to plan my day around and set tasks to complete gives me the same control and power that not eating does.

I think that’s why I like video games so much. There are tasks to complete and you get rewarded for completing them. It’s structured and fun. I’m one of those people that does try to get satisfaction out of my job even if it’s not what I want to do, it’s still my job and I want to do it well and be rewarded for it. Needless to say I really hate when people don’t treat the workplace as such or just stand around. Like no, this is a professional work environment, act like it.

While I’m working I’ve noticed my calorie intake has increased, even though my net is a low from me exercising some of it off. When I started this blog I was on a mini-vacation (some equipment was broke so I couldn’t do anything until it was fixed) so my intake was relatively low and I was restricting to eating once a day. While I’ve been able to increase the intake on days where I don’t work, I’m still feeling the urge to exercise most of it off. Like because I’m sitting on my bum all day I must keep my numbers low to match my lack of activity.

Part of that has changed because since trying to post daily I need to do stuff so I always have something relatively new to talk about it or updates to give ( like with gardening or working on the chicken shed) so since I’m doing something I’m more comfortable eating.

Getting back to what I said earlier, I do enjoy not eating. I like just sitting around not thinking about food and just drinking coffee and water all day. More often than not I’m distracting myself with a video game or doing something crafty- something that gives me a sense of control and fulfillment.

I’m worried I am a bit mad now I do have to go back to eating. My number one rule is I can’t work without eating something. I’m working with expensive equipment and I’m expected to do certain tasks and I can’t achieve them if I’m light headed and dizzy from lack of food. At home being light headed and dizzy doesn’t bother me but at work it’s distracting.

I know it’s not healthy being angry I can’t not eat and I don’t know how to change this mindset. My Grandma probably has EDNOS and I’m worried my childhood, with food being used as a way to control us, has made me predisposed to developing an eating disorder and not wanting to get healthy.

Growing up I did not have a healthy relationship with food and more often than not had to eat foods I didn’t particularly enjoy. I remember my step dad telling me one day I needed to loose all my baby fat otherwise I was going to become obese. Mind you, I was about ~120 lbs and that is a healthy weight for my height (5’1). Granted it’s on that higher end of the healthy weight range but I was pretty bony at that weight. He also told me I needed to eat healthier, not snack so much, and to exercise more. We couldn’t afford a gym membership, we had very little money left for food so we did not have snacks (or breakfast on most days), our apartment was tiny so there was no space I could( try about ~800 sq. ft housing 5 people, there was no room to do anything & it was very depressing) work out, and since we lived in a ghetto it wasn’t really good to do stuff outside consistently (sex offenders + human traffickers, living near cartel is kinda scary you didn’t know if a kid that went missing was killed, runaway, or trafficked down to Mexico) and have a set schedule in which someone could follow you.

Yea my childhood wasn’t fun and the abuse was the cherry on top. I feel like my whole life has set me up for having a mental illness(s). I try not to let it get to me, which is why I’m trying to work through everything now, but I wonder how much subconsciously it still affects me. I don’t view myself as a victim of child abuse but I can’t escape from the scars it left, they go too deep.

You know, this is probably the most I’ve opened about anything. When my best friend tried talking to me about this I was really vague. If I’m not talking to my Mom or sisters I feel like I can’t be open and even with them there is a lot I’m fairly reserved with. They don’t know I have issues regarding my weight or food, or that I’m seriously afraid of men(Sorry guys I know ya’ll are good, my step dad just hit me a little too much), or that I even have this blog. My Mom and I have talked about all four of us possibly having PTSD, which we honestly we probably do, and needing to go to counseling.

I’m afraid to open up to my Mom. It is her fault we were in that situation and I know she was being abused by him too, I’m worried talking to her she’ll feel like I’m blaming her. Admittedly I used to be mad at her for staying with him for so long but looking at her life, honestly I’m surprised she didn’t find someone worse and I can understand why she did what she did. I also understand why he was such an abusive asshole to us, I mean you really got to work hard to fuck up all four other people living with you, so I feel like I’ve been able to work through my emotions at a more healthy level and get to a better head space.

I don’t remember which post it is that I said I felt like I was trading depression for an eating disorder, but I still feel like that. Truth be told, I’m scared of finally being okay. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for so long I don’t know how to live without it. Even though it hurts, I feel like I can function better knowing I’m not okay. Restricting my eating is just one way to keep myself sick.

I don’t do this for attention. I don’t let my family know when I’m going through a rough time. The few times I nearly followed through with wanting to commit suicide, no one knew and I still haven’t told them. I feel like it’s easier to talk through the blog because I’m anonymous. Like no one on here knows my name, who I am, or what I look like.  It’s easier to open up when I’m not looking at another person.

For a brief period last April, I was happy. I finally felt like I was okay and wasn’t suffering from depression anymore. Then the issues with food started. The depression has off and on crept back in though on days where I heavily restrict I don’t feel so bad. If I can starve myself then I can be happy. Honestly, knowing I am depressed, I feel like this is better the option for me because I do get some sort of joy out it at least.

I don’t like feeling the need to hurt myself in order to be okay and I didn’t like being happy. I felt so empty because things were going good. Like why is life okay? Is anything real? I got so meta I wondered if I was dreaming half the time. I could not function being happy. Something bad had to happen so I started restricting and not eating. I feel like my life is complete if part of me is messed up. If there is always a bad thing happening to me then everything else is allowed to be okay.

Moral of the story: Please don’t let abused children suffer, call CPS and get them help. If you’re being abused it’s okay to get help, you have power over you’re abusers.

Favorite saying:
The best revenge is a life well lived.“~ How am I failing and achieving this at the same time?

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