Just want to scream.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

My actual worst nightmare is coming true. My teeth are demineralizing and it’s probably due to premature menopause because guess what starts to decay with menopause? Bones and teeth(women going through menopause are at an increased risk of gum disease and demineralizing teeth is an early indication of gum disease). Well my teeth are having issues and I have some early warnings of arthritis. My Grandma and her twin on my Dad’s side have Osteoarthritis, my Mom and Grandma have arthritis. It’s very prevalent on both sides and it’s pretty much a given that me and my sisters are going to get it. Except I might beat them by a couple decades and get it now. Yippy skippy just fuck me up even more why don’t you, body? 🙃🙃🙃

This is probably going to sound a bit weird but I feel like my body is turning against me. Like I know these issues run in the family (as does bad teeth despite everyone’s good dental hygiene) so all the issues I’m having are a bit of given as to why they’re happening but it sucks. Due to insurance malfunctions I have to wait a bit before I can get another appointment with my doctor so I’m sitting for another month at least with my thoughts of medical horror and all I want to do is scream.

Needless to say I’m not doing okay today. The issue with my insurance is getting resolved and it’s actually really as simple as me switching PCPs and then calling next week to confirm the switch but it’s just another issue to deal with on top of everything else. I felt really bad at the dentist like the whole issue is my fault. I do care for my teeth, I mean my God I have nightmares of them falling out and I have purposely cut out foods that could hurt them. My worst and only tooth offender is my coffee. If I wasn’t so paranoid about my teeth I would purging my food. Like my fear of my teeth falling out is greater than whatever eating disorder I have to the point that one e.d behavior is completely held in check. I can’t really tell that to my dentist though. I even take vitamins supplements that are supposed to help teeth so yea. I feel like this is my fault but I know it’s another issue likely caused by the premature menopause. It already fucks with everything else about my body I’m surprised it took so long to affect my teeth.

So yea. My worst fear is coming true and now I’m having to do the extra special dental care because the regular stuff normal people do is clearly not working. I’m so glad my job is seasonal because the stress from work and all of this would probably push me back in the depression. As it stands I just want hid in a cupboard and binge on guacamole. I actually ate some today. And some mini toasts. I’m up to 560 calories consumed just from fucking guacamole because that’s been the only thing I can stomach today. Like avocados are really high in calories but at same time like a total safe food for me. As are these mini toasts I discovered today. I don’t normally eat bread but I really like these.

My eating has been super off since yesterday. Yesterday was a binge fest(honestly it wasn’t really binge since I ate 1,300 calories which is what I should be eating everyday to maintain my weight at 113 lbs. but for me that’s a fucking binge) while I was watching my nephew and today is just toast, avocado, and coffee. I just can’t even. Anywho! Pictures from yesterday because I didn’t post, oops.

📷📷📷

Some good news, my sister shot an elk yesterday. I’m pretty happy for her since it was her first time hunting. Like hunting is a bit of a family tradition but I don’t eat meat and she just isn’t interested. Her fiance only took her so she could get something and he could  brag about it to his friends- also they now don’t have to buy meat for awhile so it’s a nice money saver too. I feel a little bad for the elk though but I think hunting ( and independent farming) is significantly better than buying the meat in stores. At least the elk lead a relatively happy healthy elk life until she shot it.

Ooh and more good news! There’s a little event going on where I live that’s basically a big local bazaar and I got a table to sell my stuff 😄😄😄 I don’t do well selling online but when I go to events I actually make a bit of money. I should probably start taking pictures of the stuff I make and post them on here but I’ll wait till after event so the pictures of what I have available will be current.

Anyways I’m going to play Skyrim and wish I liked alcohol enough to get drunk so I could just not think about all this. I hope everyone is having a significantly better day than me.

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This has my Instagram watermark but whatever. I should probably only be posting pictures with it so they don’t get stolen.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

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