I’m gonna be just fine

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚・*:.。. .。.:*

In an effort to be more open I think I’m going to start treating my blog a bit like my diary. Needless so say I have a lot crap to work through.  Yesterday’s post helped out a little and I did try to eat. That both worked and didn’t work mainly because I over estimated what I could physically handle and because everything just tasted off. Part of that was the anxiety of eating so much I’m sure but yea, I tried. So, I’m going to switch gears and talk about something that really upsets me and I have zero control over.

Basically I have premature menopause. It’s where women get menopause way before they’re supposed, obviously, and puts them at an increased risk for a shit ton of things, hair may fall out, and I have a better chance of becoming the first Christian female leader of ISIS than I do of ever having a child. But hey at least I have no signs of cancer or tumors in my uterus 🙂

For now.

It’s something that has off and on bothered me for awhile now but I think it started to hit hard when my little sister got pregnant. I was happy for her. I really was because I knew she and her boyfriend(now fiance) wanted to start a family and I thought it would be cool being an aunt. It is pretty cool being an aunt and I love my nephew to bits. He’s such a great baby and being part of his life is amazing.

I don’t really want to have a child. Honestly with the way I live there isn’t much room for a kid. I just wish it was my choice. It’s easier saying you don’t want a kid if you can control when it happens. I read a really sad article once by a doctor that specialized in fertility. In a nutshell, he told women that went through premature menopause to just look at adoption. He had his heart broken by so many patients having their hearts broken over their lack of ability to conceive or even get their bodies to accept the baby and told women to just adopt or learn to be happy without a child. Just because we have treatment options doesn’t mean they actually work and with my family’s medical history the treatments are likely to be just straight up useless.

I mean my god, my Grandma had a combined total of 9 miscarriages and still births, both she and my Mom died during the birth and had to be resuscitated. My Grandma on my Dad’s side had to have a hysterectomy because she was showing signs of cancer in her uterus(this happened when she was in her early 20s & at the time that was the best treatment option since her twin got Uterine cancer & had to have her uterus removed).My Mom has endometriosis, had at least one complication giving birth to me and my two sisters, and had an ectopic pregnancy that basically ended any chance of having more kids. My little sister can only have children through a C-section because her cervix is so small a baby can’t pass by it, so she’s limited to just one more child. And I have premature menopause. Only time will tell what will happen with my baby sister and I as much as I would like a niece, part of me hopes sister#2 never has one because of all the health issues she will probably face.

I don’t really cry over this except for three times. The first was when I was living in Wyoming and it just hit me really hard one day. I was living there at a time when it seemed like everything single women I saw was pregnant. The second time was when I found out my little sister was pregnant. The third was coming back home from my pelvic ultrasound that confirmed this is indeed premature menopause and not something wrong developmental with me.

I’ve resigned myself to being childless. Honestly saving up for an adoption is just too much. I’ve seen the prices for children and it’s just straight up something I don’t think I could ever afford. Like adoption is an option if you’re upper class and can afford to just comfortably blow thousands and thousands of dollars on a child and be financially secure enough afterwards to still care for them.

Admittedly, this( along with other issues) deters me a bit from dating. Like how do you even approach someone and be like yea, can’t really start a family with me but hey at least animals exist, amirite? Yea, no.

As silly as it sounds, right now my biggest concern with all of this is that I’m going to get labeled a childless crazy cat lady. Like I only have two cats but already people call me a cat lady. I swear, wanna trigger me into an autistic rage of anger, just call me a cat lady. I hate that term and stereotype so much.  When my cats do pass away I’m going to get a small dog. I’ve already decided I’ll take a break from pets (except for my tortoise who will probably outlive me) and then I’ll get a dog.

For now, I’m happy being an aunt and I totally understand why Mary J Blige’s song ‘Just Fine’ is labeled the cool aunt song. 20170723_133126.jpg


Also totally glad I never had to deal with this situation:Screenshot_20170626-203754.png

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚・*:.。. .。.:*

2 thoughts on “I’m gonna be just fine

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