In which I complain about my job

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

My job, a.k.a my Dad,  I mean.

My parents divorced when I was five but the memories I do have of them being together are not happy. Weirdly enough I do remember trying to kill myself at five. In my baby mind I thought if I jumped off the front porch I would hit my head die because my Mom would tell me not to play on the steps otherwise I could well, hit my head and die. They were having a real bad argument one day and I was so miserable I thought maybe if I died they wouldn’t fight anymore so I jumped off the steps and face planted into the sand. Obviously I did not die but knowing that was an actual suicide attempt by my five year old self is pretty surreal.

Dad and Job are tied together due to him being the unofficial boss of the family farm. I should mention he does drugs and drinks consistently so it’s a game of “Is he drunk, high, or just a bitch today?” Sometimes it’s a combination of all three. I’m really happy my Mom got custody of us and honestly I’m only sticking around for my Grandparents at this point.

I don’t love him, in fact I resent him. As a Christian I don’t feel comfortable feeling that way about my father, hot damn though I can’t stand him.

Before we go further, there is a lot more to this story than what I’m saying. The internet is not the appropriate place to air all my grievances, especially regarding my family and all their lovely skeletons.

At this point I don’t imagine my relationship with him surviving past the death of my Grandparents. As it stands, I dislike referring to him as my Dad so I’ll simply call him Fubi. I’m not explaining that one. It’s funny in a sad sort of way.

Fubi at best is a mediocre father, at worst emotionally abusive and neglectful. I got enough of that from Step Dad, I don’t need it from Fubi.

Today he was training me to do something called harrowing. Basically you take a giant metal net, hook it up to a tractor, and drag it across a field to knock down gopher mounds. It is as easy as sounds and it took less than five minutes for me to understand what to do.  Despite having a bad back, he stayed in the tractor for about an hour ranting. Thankfully none of it was directed at me and I’m not going into detail about what was said and honestly all the issues are of his own making so I just disregarded it.

However, he stresses me the fuck out. The entire hour my anxiety went from 0 to 100 in .001 seconds. I can not handle being around him. I never know which Fubi I’m getting and what he’s going to criticize(unjustly) me on.  I have a headache and binged my way up to 662.7 calories, when it was hovering around a nice ~400. It wasn’t a real binge but I over ate with dinner and now my stomach hurts.

After he left I was really angry about nothing in particular, just sitting in the tractor pissed off as can be for no reason. Being around him and working for him pushes me back into my depression and I almost started having suicidal thoughts. I work so hard to not think that way and an hour with him and I’m back to square one.  It’s no wonder the eating issues started happening now that I’ve been around him consistently for two years. Yes I am blaming him for making my anxiety so bad I developed an eating disorder.

I managed to catch myself but I was going down a real negative path and it scares me how easy it was to fall back into the habit of calling myself stupid, fat, worthless…. everything mean that I could say to myself I started to say. I’m okay now but this is just another reminder of why I need another job. Another year around him and I’ll probably start drinking.

On a side note, did you know you burn calories driving? I knew that but I didn’t know how much. Hint: it’s a lot and truckers are fat because they eat too much.

🎃Calories Ate: 662.7
🎃Calories Burned: 651.6- all from being in a tractor! Given how hungry I was after I guess it makes sense.
🎃Net Calories: 11.1- and I honestly can’t eat anymore to bring my net up. I legit tried and all I have to show for it is a stomach ache.
🎃Macro Nutrients: 25%- it’s cause I’m not taking my vitamins today. I should’ve taken them in the morning but I forgot.

Today is one of those weird days where I ate three times. For breakfast it was veggies and tofu because I woke up late and rushed making lunch. It wasn’t until I had the tofu cut and cooking did I realize it will not keep until lunch. So breakfast was an accident but I still ate it. Lunch was plain potatoes, bell pepper slices, and some chips. I meant to have more in there but I ran out of fruit and again, woke up 30 minutes late, and dinner was Udon noodles, tofu, and veggies. I’m trying really hard to eat my tofu before it expires. Honestly, I didn’t finish dinner. I made way too many noodles out of anger and I’m a bit sad about it now. I still have a headache too. Today was a hard day for me.



*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*


Working through stuff

I bought the honey mustard chips again. I really like them and I’m not counting them on my calories ate. It’ll give me too much anxiety and I feel like leaving them out is some sort of progress. I was hit with the thought as I was coming back from the store I like not eating.

It was one of those weird thoughts that popped into my head but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. Days were I don’t eat I feel in control. It’s a kind of angry control but it still makes me feel good. Oddly enough, not eating gives me a sort of structure in my life. I plan out when, what, and how much down to the exact gram(food scales are a double edged sword) much I’m eating. Having that control on a day-to-day basis makes me feel like I’m doing something right.

So much of my life is out of my control and at this stage in my life that doesn’t bother me as much. I’ve gone through a lot of hardship and worked my way out of it and I feel like a better stronger person for it. Restricting and not eating is something entirely in my control though and the reward for the control is loosing weight and feeling powerful and successful.

I really need structure in my life beyond controlling my food to such an unhealthy extreme. My job is seasonal and I’m approaching the end of the season. As soon as it starts snowing I’m pretty much down and out of work and therefore structure. Having hours to plan my day around and set tasks to complete gives me the same control and power that not eating does.

I think that’s why I like video games so much. There are tasks to complete and you get rewarded for completing them. It’s structured and fun. I’m one of those people that does try to get satisfaction out of my job even if it’s not what I want to do, it’s still my job and I want to do it well and be rewarded for it. Needless to say I really hate when people don’t treat the workplace as such or just stand around. Like no, this is a professional work environment, act like it.

While I’m working I’ve noticed my calorie intake has increased, even though my net is a low from me exercising some of it off. When I started this blog I was on a mini-vacation (some equipment was broke so I couldn’t do anything until it was fixed) so my intake was relatively low and I was restricting to eating once a day. While I’ve been able to increase the intake on days where I don’t work, I’m still feeling the urge to exercise most of it off. Like because I’m sitting on my bum all day I must keep my numbers low to match my lack of activity.

Part of that has changed because since trying to post daily I need to do stuff so I always have something relatively new to talk about it or updates to give ( like with gardening or working on the chicken shed) so since I’m doing something I’m more comfortable eating.

Getting back to what I said earlier, I do enjoy not eating. I like just sitting around not thinking about food and just drinking coffee and water all day. More often than not I’m distracting myself with a video game or doing something crafty- something that gives me a sense of control and fulfillment.

I’m worried I am a bit mad now I do have to go back to eating. My number one rule is I can’t work without eating something. I’m working with expensive equipment and I’m expected to do certain tasks and I can’t achieve them if I’m light headed and dizzy from lack of food. At home being light headed and dizzy doesn’t bother me but at work it’s distracting.

I know it’s not healthy being angry I can’t not eat and I don’t know how to change this mindset. My Grandma probably has EDNOS and I’m worried my childhood, with food being used as a way to control us, has made me predisposed to developing an eating disorder and not wanting to get healthy.

Growing up I did not have a healthy relationship with food and more often than not had to eat foods I didn’t particularly enjoy. I remember my step dad telling me one day I needed to loose all my baby fat otherwise I was going to become obese. Mind you, I was about ~120 lbs and that is a healthy weight for my height (5’1). Granted it’s on that higher end of the healthy weight range but I was pretty bony at that weight. He also told me I needed to eat healthier, not snack so much, and to exercise more. We couldn’t afford a gym membership, we had very little money left for food so we did not have snacks (or breakfast on most days), our apartment was tiny so there was no space I could( try about ~800 sq. ft housing 5 people, there was no room to do anything & it was very depressing) work out, and since we lived in a ghetto it wasn’t really good to do stuff outside consistently (sex offenders + human traffickers, living near cartel is kinda scary you didn’t know if a kid that went missing was killed, runaway, or trafficked down to Mexico) and have a set schedule in which someone could follow you.

Yea my childhood wasn’t fun and the abuse was the cherry on top. I feel like my whole life has set me up for having a mental illness(s). I try not to let it get to me, which is why I’m trying to work through everything now, but I wonder how much subconsciously it still affects me. I don’t view myself as a victim of child abuse but I can’t escape from the scars it left, they go too deep.

You know, this is probably the most I’ve opened about anything. When my best friend tried talking to me about this I was really vague. If I’m not talking to my Mom or sisters I feel like I can’t be open and even with them there is a lot I’m fairly reserved with. They don’t know I have issues regarding my weight or food, or that I’m seriously afraid of men(Sorry guys I know ya’ll are good, my step dad just hit me a little too much), or that I even have this blog. My Mom and I have talked about all four of us possibly having PTSD, which we honestly we probably do, and needing to go to counseling.

I’m afraid to open up to my Mom. It is her fault we were in that situation and I know she was being abused by him too, I’m worried talking to her she’ll feel like I’m blaming her. Admittedly I used to be mad at her for staying with him for so long but looking at her life, honestly I’m surprised she didn’t find someone worse and I can understand why she did what she did. I also understand why he was such an abusive asshole to us, I mean you really got to work hard to fuck up all four other people living with you, so I feel like I’ve been able to work through my emotions at a more healthy level and get to a better head space.

I don’t remember which post it is that I said I felt like I was trading depression for an eating disorder, but I still feel like that. Truth be told, I’m scared of finally being okay. I’ve dealt with depression and anxiety for so long I don’t know how to live without it. Even though it hurts, I feel like I can function better knowing I’m not okay. Restricting my eating is just one way to keep myself sick.

I don’t do this for attention. I don’t let my family know when I’m going through a rough time. The few times I nearly followed through with wanting to commit suicide, no one knew and I still haven’t told them. I feel like it’s easier to talk through the blog because I’m anonymous. Like no one on here knows my name, who I am, or what I look like.  It’s easier to open up when I’m not looking at another person.

For a brief period last April, I was happy. I finally felt like I was okay and wasn’t suffering from depression anymore. Then the issues with food started. The depression has off and on crept back in though on days where I heavily restrict I don’t feel so bad. If I can starve myself then I can be happy. Honestly, knowing I am depressed, I feel like this is better the option for me because I do get some sort of joy out it at least.

I don’t like feeling the need to hurt myself in order to be okay and I didn’t like being happy. I felt so empty because things were going good. Like why is life okay? Is anything real? I got so meta I wondered if I was dreaming half the time. I could not function being happy. Something bad had to happen so I started restricting and not eating. I feel like my life is complete if part of me is messed up. If there is always a bad thing happening to me then everything else is allowed to be okay.

Moral of the story: Please don’t let abused children suffer, call CPS and get them help. If you’re being abused it’s okay to get help, you have power over you’re abusers.

Favorite saying:
The best revenge is a life well lived.“~ How am I failing and achieving this at the same time?

Okay, Grandpa, can we not?

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

My Grandpa has a bad heart. It’s so bad he has an implantable defibrillator. It was put in a couple days ago so what does he do? Goes out and enjoys the sunshine.

By cleaning up his yard (╬ಠ益ಠ)

Why old men do this I’ll never understand but they need to stop. My Grandpa needs to stop. So I was awake for like 30 minutes, haven’t even had AnnnNnYyy coffee, and I get a call from my Grandma. In a nutshell she wanted me to come over and help him out because he was “Cleaning up the yard and cutting branches.” Ah, hell no. I had plans today. I was going to fix up my yard. Nope.


Actual image of me outside gardening

Okay so I’m not mad. I don’t mind helping my Grandparents and I spent most of my time with my Grandpa outside. We got a lot done and it was so nice seeing him actually awake and active. He’s had heart issues since like 2009( first heart attack) and it’s been downhill since. I don’t know if heart disease runs in his family but I do know all the drinking, smoking, and cheese eating(I’m surprised that man isn’t made of cheese at this point) has been rough on his heart. Not to mention the jobs he’s done. He logged and worked at a mill then switched gears and became an alfalfa farmer. That shit is hard and even with modern farm equipment and having my Dad take over it’s still pretty rough on an old man.

Today seeing him get up, get a little bit of exercise, and be outside was really nice. Before this he was really tired and would spend the day off and on napping in his chair. According to my Grandma he’s been like this since he got the defibrillator. I’m really happy he’s active again. He still can’t do all the things he wants too and I know he’ll never be the same as before his heart attack but this little bit of progress is really comforting. He doesn’t have much longer but I’m happy the time he has left he’ll still have his independence and presence of mind. I never want to see my parents or grandparents completely invalid,  crippled by age and disease. On both sides of the family we have good genetics( I should mention he’s my step not biological grandpa) but seeing him makes me really want to care for myself.

I don’t want to spend an entire summer in and out of a hospital for something I could’ve prevented or at least mitigated the damage of. I may not eat a whole lot but at least what I do eat is healthy. Except for the Pepsi I had today but I really really  needed the caffeine.  Carrying Indian rocks about ~30 feet and then hauling wood palettes and other pieces of wood another ~100 feet is really tiring. Not to mention I’m doing this in feckin’ sand and dodging Sagebrush on my way to the burn pit. And it was hot today, which I mean is nice and all but a breeze would’ve been really nice.

Yea so my Grandparents now have a relatively fixed up yard and my Grandpa is going to look at the chicken shed so I can get his opinion on what I need to do. He’s thinking because there’s mold the wood is actually press board not plywood. I don’t know nothing about wood but I know mold when I see it so we’ll see what happens there. They are actually a little excited about me potentially having chickens. Trying to get farm fresh eggs out here is a little hard despite everyone’s mother’s brother’s dog’s best friend’s cousin’s uncle raising and selling chicken eggs. Like where are the sellers? I want guilt free farm fresh eggs. I’ll just get my own chickens and name them after my ancestors. I have some ancestors with names that would fit really well on chickens.

That’s a weird thing to say I know but it’s true. I want to get three chickens, all ladies, and name them after a grandma and two aunts.  I’m not sure if I’ve made it clear yet but I really adore chickens.

Hug Chicken GIF - Hug Chicken Kid GIFs

When my Mom was little her parents had some chickens, right up until the neighbor’s dogs got in and killed all of them, and there was a chicken who broke her wing. My Mom fixed her up and trained the chicken to perch on her shoulder. I don’t want a chicken to break her wing but it would be cool having them trained to do stuff like that. Chickens are smart and sweet and I love them and their little chicken faces. Like they look pissed off all the time but I think it’s cute.

🎃Calories Ate: 795.7
🎃Calories Burned: 429
🎃Net Calories: 366.6
🎃Macro Nutrients: 59% ٩(^ᴗ^)۶

Like I said earlier, I had a banana, a Pepsi, then two vegan burgers( my Grandparent’s bought me so I could eat at their place when I visit), with some tomato and onion. They didn’t have any bread so it wasn’t a sandwich, just two patties with some tomato and onion. Coming home I didn’t really feel like eating but I thought I probably should so I could have at least two meals. It was a tofu-veggie scramble with another banana and bell pepper slices. That was my last banana. Fare thee well banana. I need to get more.

By the way, does everything look okay with me doing some fall theming? I’m a bit Gothic and minimal but I like the idea of having a more colorful blog that flows with the seasons. Like just something I could do throughout the year to shake things up a little but not change the overall tone of my blog.

Like I’m using this blog as a way to hold myself accountable for whatever e.d I have and hopeful set myself on the right track as well as just talk about things. I’m really closed off and it’s taken me seven years to tell my best friend I was abused as a child. Like I have communication and trust issues. Writing on here legit makes me want to get better and deal with my problems. It’s also really nice having to do something everyday. I want to post as consistently as possible and that means I have to do something everyday so I can write and not regurgitate the same old stuff over and over again. I feel like I’m doing that with the chicken shed but I’m just excited for chickens. Also I love chickens. ♥️🐣♥️




*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*


💀Mini pies💀 are the worst

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Today I wanted to try eating a little better so I actually planned out a meal and got a treat. Well the treat came in the form of one of those pre baked 💀mini pies💀 that I kinda hate. Today I remembered why I hate them. Since  like nearly ten years have passed since the last time I ate one I thought “Okay it’s probably not as bad as what I remember.” No, they really are still crappy.

I’m up 300 calories due to a shitty little 💀mini pie💀. I wanted to get some cookies but the 💀mini pie💀 was smore flavored and I like smores and did not want a whole huge pack of cookies. I wanted to puke, that was the most artificial thing I have ever ate and I hated it. I couldn’t even finish it. So yea, my little adventure into the forbidden evil foods back fired horribly because of 💀mini pies💀. I think I’m just going to stick to eating bananas. They’re high in calories but I actually enjoy eating them.

I took another look at the chicken shed. I think the framing is fine it’s just the siding. If I can replace the walls and re-do the floor the shed should be okay. Somewhere in the process of all that I need to get a new door since my cousins managed to break the original. Still not sure how they managed to literally pull it off but whatever it’s cheap plywood and I have to replace it anyway. There is an outlet in there too but I’m not sure if it actually connects to anything. It would be cool having heat lamps for the chickens during the winter so they wouldn’t get too cold. If the outlets are just decoration I need to come up with an insulation plan. Like even though the walls are completely ruined it wasn’t that cold in there so I’m thinking if I got proper wood siding and sealed it along with fixing the floor, even without heat lamps it should be relatively okay for them. Chickens GIF - Feed Chicken GIFs

Sleep has been illusive with me so I didn’t actually fall asleep until like 4 am. Needless to say I have not done any gardening. Well that’s not true. I transplanted two indoor plants, refreshed the soil in one, trimmed down my tomato, and watered them. So like basic indoor gardening.

To-may-toe, Toe-mah-toe

Two little tomatoes!

I even have two little strawberries coming in but they aren’t photo ready yet. All my outdoor potted plants had to be brought in last month due to some really bad frost. It hasn’t been super bad lately but I’m scared of putting them back outside. So far everything is doing okay indoors and since two of my fruit bearing plants are still bearing fruit, I guess they’re fine with the spot I have them at.


Work in progress for the bazaar I’m attending

🌸Calories Ate: 689
🌸Calories Burned: 219.8
🌸Net Calories: 469.2
🌸Macro Nutrients: 50%

Food today was apple slices, mixed vegetables, bell pepper slices, a Mandarin orange, and homemade potato salad with tofu. It was very filing and surprisingly low in calories. I’m thinking if I can keep making low calorie meals I can start eating maybe twice a day instead of just once. Overall, this was 262.67, the rest of the calories came from that stupid 💀mini pie💀 and a banana. So if I can repeat that meal three times a day that’ll bring me up to ~780 calories per day which is significantly better than what I’m doing. I need to start meal planning.




*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*


Spider in my bra

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Today was a bit of a productive day all things considered. There’s a decrepit looking chicken coop that housed a pony at one point on the property I live at. Why someone decided to put a pony in a shed made for chickens is beyond me but then again it was my cousins so God only knows what goes on in their brain. Anywho, the chicken shed I wanted to get cleaned up is a no-go. I don’t honestly don’t even know how it’s still standing. On the outside it looks like real wood and it looks fine. On the inside it’s just cheap plywood and it’s falling apart. 20171027_124502.jpg

Oh my God. Look at that mold. I left the coop after this because I wasn’t wearing a mask. The photo does not illustrate how bad it really is.


Like it would be so easy for a coyote or a badger to get in here and kill the chickens. The ground is nothing but sand. Easily dug through sand. Oh and more mold. I’m surprised this place wasn’t covered in spiders and scorpions but the mold probably killed them.


And this is all the random crap I found in here. Why 3 empty coffee cans? Why a fish tank? Why two brands that were not used on the pony? Why the fuck is the door off it’s hinges and how did they manage to break it? God only knows because I sure don’t.

So yea, I just need to buy plans, tear this thing down, and build a proper chicken coop not made out of cheap plywood. Soooo much extra work for me but I really want chickens. I like eggs. I miss eggs. I’m one of those vegans that went vegan because I feel bad for the abused animals but if I knew for sure the animals were being treated better I would go back to eating/using animal products. So if I got my own chickens they would be feed the proper foods, they would be allowed to roam (well in a fenced off section but it would be large), and I know for sure they would be well cared for because I would be the one caring for them. So guilt free eggs and even better I could share the eggs with family so they wouldn’t have to get them from store. ♥️🐣♥️

Remember this? 1073.jpg

Well now it looks like this:


Still not a whole lot done but now I have a clear section. And a whole lotta clean up. I need to dig a burn pit or get a stove or something because the level of weeds I’m pulling up is probably a brush fire hazard. Tomorrow my goal is to actually make it to the little maple tree which is practically invisible in the picture but I swear it’s still there!

The driveway is probably like two feet bigger than what I think it is. My cousins did zero outside work so the weeds have had like three years to grow unchallenged and they are about two feet into the driveway. So part of my gardening plan and having daffodils line the drive way probably won’t happen anytime soon. To get the line started I have to dig up fully mature sagebrush and pull up weeds embedded in gravel- part of the reason why so little progress was made today. Oh joy. I’ve dug up juveniles and it is such hassle because their roots go deep out here and to deal with mature sagebrush is a nightmare.

I like sagebrush, I really do. It’s a great bush that naturally grows here, it’s heat, cold, animal, and drought resistant, it harbors birds and rabbits, and it gets tall so it’s a great natural hedge and I’m really reluctant to dig any up. It’s worth it for the daffodils though. Not sure if I’ll remember that when I’m waist deep in sand trying to get the root dug up so it doesn’t regrow but right now I’m just picturing happy little daffodils next Spring.

While taking the picture to show off my weed digging skills, I felt this weird little tap on my back. I thought okay it’s probably my bra and I just shifted weird so whatever. Then I felt it again but a little higher. So I reach under my shirt to feel my bra thinking I must’ve twisted the strap and the tapping I feel is my bra shifting.
Didn’t feel anything.
Bra strap not twisted.
I’m a little worried.
Little tap again.
Okay now I know for sure something is in my shirt so I reach back again and this time my finger close around something small and hard.
I scream.
My phone drops to the ground.
A spider falls out of my shirt and crawls into the weeds.
Fml, I hate spiders. No idea how it managed to crawl unnoticed up the length of my body and get on my bra but it did and I fucking hate it. I haven’t been able to get comfortable at all after that. I’m so paranoid about a spider crawling me it’s ridiculous. I hate them. I hate kill them. I verbally abuse them before, during, and after I kill them. Naturally I live in a prefab house that isn’t entirely sealed so during the winter time I find a spider at least once a week crawling around like a little asshole.

I once a had a dream that spiders were all over my house and they kept chanting “This is our house now.” Then in my dream I fucking started hacking at them a sword screaming “THis is MY house!” And there was probably a lot of cussing too but I don’t remember. I had this dream after finding like three spiders( one being a male black widow) in my house in one day. I was not pleased.

I just got up to refill my water bottle and guess the fuck what I saw hanging out behind my sink. A spider. I fucking hate spiders. 🤜🏼🕷️😠

Food wise it has not been the best today. I ate more fruit but I’m so low in my overall calorie count I’m surprised I haven’t passed out. Tomorrow I wanna be brave and try to make a proper meal but we’ll see.

🌸Calories Ate: 350.2
🌸Calories Burned: 326.8
🌸Net Calories: 23.4
🌸Macro Nutrients: 53%- again mostly thanks to vitamins.

Today’s food was cream of wheat with almond slivers, pomegranate, apple slices, and a banana, topped with some raspberry flavored sugar. Like yay more fruit…. and not much else.





*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Just want to scream.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

My actual worst nightmare is coming true. My teeth are demineralizing and it’s probably due to premature menopause because guess what starts to decay with menopause? Bones and teeth(women going through menopause are at an increased risk of gum disease and demineralizing teeth is an early indication of gum disease). Well my teeth are having issues and I have some early warnings of arthritis. My Grandma and her twin on my Dad’s side have Osteoarthritis, my Mom and Grandma have arthritis. It’s very prevalent on both sides and it’s pretty much a given that me and my sisters are going to get it. Except I might beat them by a couple decades and get it now. Yippy skippy just fuck me up even more why don’t you, body? 🙃🙃🙃

This is probably going to sound a bit weird but I feel like my body is turning against me. Like I know these issues run in the family (as does bad teeth despite everyone’s good dental hygiene) so all the issues I’m having are a bit of given as to why they’re happening but it sucks. Due to insurance malfunctions I have to wait a bit before I can get another appointment with my doctor so I’m sitting for another month at least with my thoughts of medical horror and all I want to do is scream.

Needless to say I’m not doing okay today. The issue with my insurance is getting resolved and it’s actually really as simple as me switching PCPs and then calling next week to confirm the switch but it’s just another issue to deal with on top of everything else. I felt really bad at the dentist like the whole issue is my fault. I do care for my teeth, I mean my God I have nightmares of them falling out and I have purposely cut out foods that could hurt them. My worst and only tooth offender is my coffee. If I wasn’t so paranoid about my teeth I would purging my food. Like my fear of my teeth falling out is greater than whatever eating disorder I have to the point that one e.d behavior is completely held in check. I can’t really tell that to my dentist though. I even take vitamins supplements that are supposed to help teeth so yea. I feel like this is my fault but I know it’s another issue likely caused by the premature menopause. It already fucks with everything else about my body I’m surprised it took so long to affect my teeth.

So yea. My worst fear is coming true and now I’m having to do the extra special dental care because the regular stuff normal people do is clearly not working. I’m so glad my job is seasonal because the stress from work and all of this would probably push me back in the depression. As it stands I just want hid in a cupboard and binge on guacamole. I actually ate some today. And some mini toasts. I’m up to 560 calories consumed just from fucking guacamole because that’s been the only thing I can stomach today. Like avocados are really high in calories but at same time like a total safe food for me. As are these mini toasts I discovered today. I don’t normally eat bread but I really like these.

My eating has been super off since yesterday. Yesterday was a binge fest(honestly it wasn’t really binge since I ate 1,300 calories which is what I should be eating everyday to maintain my weight at 113 lbs. but for me that’s a fucking binge) while I was watching my nephew and today is just toast, avocado, and coffee. I just can’t even. Anywho! Pictures from yesterday because I didn’t post, oops.


Some good news, my sister shot an elk yesterday. I’m pretty happy for her since it was her first time hunting. Like hunting is a bit of a family tradition but I don’t eat meat and she just isn’t interested. Her fiance only took her so she could get something and he could  brag about it to his friends- also they now don’t have to buy meat for awhile so it’s a nice money saver too. I feel a little bad for the elk though but I think hunting ( and independent farming) is significantly better than buying the meat in stores. At least the elk lead a relatively happy healthy elk life until she shot it.

Ooh and more good news! There’s a little event going on where I live that’s basically a big local bazaar and I got a table to sell my stuff 😄😄😄 I don’t do well selling online but when I go to events I actually make a bit of money. I should probably start taking pictures of the stuff I make and post them on here but I’ll wait till after event so the pictures of what I have available will be current.

Anyways I’m going to play Skyrim and wish I liked alcohol enough to get drunk so I could just not think about all this. I hope everyone is having a significantly better day than me.


This has my Instagram watermark but whatever. I should probably only be posting pictures with it so they don’t get stolen.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Tired Gardening

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

The best part of waking up with cats is heading to the bathroom only to see they puked all over the hall rug. It’s not like the rug was loved, in fact I kinda hated it but at the same they didn’t need to do that.

So I didn’t fall asleep until damn near 4 am. No idea why I had such trouble but it really sucked- I’m hoping some tea and Valerian root knocks me out tonight since I have to be at my sister’s at 5:30 am 😅. I woke a bit late to say the least(10 am) but I did try gardening. For like only two hours. I was really tired.

It went from this mess:1073.jpg

To this mess:1077.jpg

I swear most of the two hours was spent digging up all the rocks. If I had been more awake I would’ve put all the rocks in a pile and taken a picture just to show my pain. Currently all rocks are being tossed back onto my driveway where they belong. The plan is next year I’m going to get a bunch of Rabbit resistant flowers and bark and fill this space in. It’ll be really nice actually having a garden and not staring at weeds.

Tomorrow I have to watch my nephew but the day after I’m totally planning on coming back out and trying to get more done. Around the Maple tree needs to be cleared away and I’m going to lay down some grass clippings to help cover the up the base. I don’t want the frost to kill it.

My little Maple tree looks so sad. I swear it’s still alive. Plants take like a year to get used to being here and then they’re pretty hardy. It’s just surviving all the frost and wind. I have a Box Elder that looked like this all of last year but it came back pretty strong.  I know it sounds a little silly but coffee grounds are amazing fertilizer for plants out here. Gardening in a desert is only daunting if you let it be daunting.

So food wise today was average.

🌸Calories Ate: 728.6 (definitely good today)
🌸Calories Burned: 478.1 (all from gardening and throwing those frickin rocks)
🌸Net: 250.6 (Um, well at least I ate a bit more)
🌸Macro Nutrients: 35% (Yea, I didn’t take my vitamins today)

Udon with a Mandarin Orange and vegetables, a handful of Almonds, and I finished off the rest of the chips 😊 Admittedly it was an almost hate eat because I really wanted to toss them but I was tired after gardening and caved.




*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🎃🍂🎃・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*