This has sat in my drafts since April and I think I’m finally ready to post it.
The first time I can accurately remember wanting to die was when I was five. My parents were going through a violent divorce and we were moving stuff out of my father’s trailer. As my parents argued I remember sitting at the top of the steps leading to the front door and thinking that maybe if I jumped and hit my head I would die. I jumped and face planted into the sand and starting crying.
The second time was in the second grade. I had literally been head butted by my step father and verbally abused because I couldn’t hear him calling me as I played in my room. I thought he hated me and I was worthless and I prayed so hard to die. After that incident the suicidal thoughts spiraled out of control into full blown depression and self harm.
Despite having never been to psychologist ( even though I really need too) I’m fairly confident in saying I have depression and some sort anxiety disorder as a result of childhood abuse. Please seek professional help if you feel you might have a mental disorder. Living like this is not fun.
I’ve fought with suicidal urges all my life and up until last year in April. After going through a massive break down on New Years I made the pledge to fix myself until I can finally afford professional help. Let me tell you, this is hard. It’s really hard self analyzing at a deep level to uncover issues, resolve them, and have no support system to lean on. Despite this, I have not had a single suicidal thought since last year. It has taken me twenty years to get to this point without any sort of help. Although I’m finally in a happy state of mind I know I’m not fully okay. A good example of this was getting anxious and panicking for no reason after lunch today. I talked about an exciting upcoming trip with my sister and felt like I messed up so bad my life was going to fall apart. Today I have painted part of my porch and bought plane tickets for said trip. That’s it. And the feeling of screwing up was near overwhelming to the point I had to go outside in the 90 degree heat and just to walk around.
No idea what brought it on but it faded pretty quickly as I feed the birds outside. Watching birds is one of the things I can do to help soothe over my anxiety. It’s really cute watching the quail couple lead their young around.
I guess the point I’m trying to make here is it only gets better if you work for it. Fighting off depression is no joke but it is doable if you’re honest with yourself. It really sucks not having a professional guide me through this but I’m doing it and I know other people can too. Maybe over time I’ll go more into depth about my volatile childhood and all the ways I’ve learned to help myself but for now the best advice I can give is living well is the best revenge.