(•̀⌄•́)

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

That was rather disappointing. giphy (5)

First and foremost, the Illinois archives are a dead end. I couldn’t find anything for Elizabeth and they couldn’t help me because even though I requested a search for emancipation documents on the Barker’s (under the assumption they are African- American), I was told they had no idea what sort of documents I was requesting. Like who doesn’t understand that I’m looking for emancipation and slave documents in a given time frame with the family name, occupation, county lived in, and name of their daughter plus her birth date. Okay, yea that apparently wasn’t clear enough. (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

I’m fairly certain this is why people hire professional genealogists, they’re taken seriously and given access to stuff. I’m trying figure out the ethnicity of my great 4x Grandmother, not whatever the Hell they thought I was going to do with the information. So bleh. Back to square one with Elizabeth.

Pluard Family - Elizabeth Barker - Back Far Right, Mary Louise LaFleur - Back Far Left

Not sure when this was taken but it was in Oregon.

Elizabeth is on the back right. Mary, her daughter, is next to her. The women in front right is Mary’s daughter Susan (it’s not known for sure if it’s Susan or another daughter) and two of Susan’s daughters. Some family were wondering why Mary looks older and I think it’s because she lost her husband in a logging accident pretty early on in her marriage. During this period in Oregon there were exclusion laws against African- Americans, even though Elizabeth and her daughters came in at a time where the laws weren’t as harsh, it looks like they still had a lot of restrictions to face. So given all that combined with her strained relationship with her mother, I can imagine life aging her fairly rapidly. In the picture Elizabeth looks more African- American so I think she had, at the very least, one African-American parent. I wish this was in color. Susan I believed married a man of European descent (plus her father was French-Canadian) so it appears Mary’s genetics didn’t really pass on. Unfortunately there aren’t pictures of the other children so I don’t overall how the family looked. Most of the cousins today tend to be a bit dark, with light olive colored skin and dark eyes and hair- pretty much how I look tends to be the standard appearance. Overall, we look very Native/Euro mixed which is pretty much what the family is. Very few of us are actually 100% Native.

I really want the dna kits to get processed already.

Now onto my first day of work. The Glass door reviews were right about the location I’m working at and that’s not a good thing. The manager went on a tangent about how much she hates work place gossiping during orientation and during my lunch break I got to witness firsthand how bad the gossip is. To make matters a little off, the supervisor training me was the subject of the gossip.  Needless to say my first day did not leave me with a good impression and despite being on the floor for three hours I still have no idea what my duties are. The training was really lackluster by everyone involved. Something that was unsurprisingly mentioned in the Glassdoor reviews. Ya know, I had two other potential employers call me for interviews and I really wish I hadn’t passed on them.

I’ve been in another place where the gossip was bad, made worse by the fact the department manager was an emotionally unstable alcoholic the store leader was actively trying to replace, so I know how bad gossip can ruin a work place. So this is a bit discouraging but for the most part I work independently of others so that’s nice. Now if I can figure what exactly I’m supposed to do, things will be fine.

Now onto good news. Actually it’s great news 🙂

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Bye-bye!

Not even noon and I had a sell on my Etsy shop.  One of my more popular dream catchers finally sold, which is great for the customer because today’s the last day of the sale I had going on. Have to admit I’m a little sad to see it go. I don’t have anymore purple roses and that was the last of the pastel rainbow yarn.  It’s only a 10% sale so all in all, not too spectacular. I want to move old merchandise and for the most part, a lot of my old dream catchers have finally sold. Most of them are leftover Winter themed ones that probably won’t sell until, well this Winter.

On Instagram I’m a bit more active and most of my new stuff or projects get posted up on there. Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge ( ๑‾̀◡‾́)σ»

One good thing about my job is I’m 100% on my feet for about six hours so I feel fairly comfortable with eating on work days. Which is nice because doing an hour and half commute on an empty stomach is not fun. So yea, I gots that going for me at least.

Overall, today was a bit of a fail with eating. I’m probably at ~750 calories or so. I ate two meals and an apple. At least I got a snack in.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Great 4x Grandma Elizabeth

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*Great Great Great Grandmother Elizabeth Barker Pluard Smith

So many mysteries around Grandma Elizabeth. I’ll start with her possible race combinations:

  • Part African-American, part French Canadian or European descent, part Native American
  • Half African-American, half European descent or French Canadian
  • Half African-American, half Native American
  • Half Native American, half European descent or French Canadian

Whew… so many possibilities but only one is true. On a census she is marked black, while on others she is marked as white. Her first daughter is marked as black on nearly all her censuses, her second daughter Madora is marked as white on all of her censuses. What is the truth? I have no idea because my dna kit has yet to be processed.

Starting from the beginning, as told by her grandson Hollister Plourde and recorded down by his family, backed up by the records I have thanks to Ancestry:

Elizabeth was born in 1843 to the Barkers, who lived in Illinois. There is a rumor Elizabeth and a sibling were adopted by the Barkers. If true, it’s not known if the Barkers had any relation to Elizabeth or if they just wanted to care for her. Either way, I can’t find anything on this period of Elizabeth’s life or even the name of her parents and the mysterious sibling.

Around late 1850s, the Barkers left Randolph County Illinois for Oregon. Somewhere in Owyhee, Idaho, their caravan was attacked, her parents, an unknown sibling listed as not even a year old, were slaughtered by Native Americans (thanks Grandpa 4x for that, you asshat) and Elizabeth was taken captive. She was around 12-15 years old when this took place.

Great Great Grandmother Mary Louise Pluard

It’s unknown when exactly she was taken as a wife by one of the warriors. About 1859, at the age of 16, she gave birth to her first daughter, Mary. Mary is marked as black on nearly all of her censuses, lending credit to the theory that Elizabeth is at least mixed, which would mean the Barkers may have been interracial or adopted a mixed ethnicity Elizabeth.

Madora Jeffers

About 1864 she again gave birth to a daughter, Madora, who is my Great 3x Grandmother. It’s not known what the girls were called by the tribe or how they were viewed, since their mother was technically taken as a slave.

While Elizabeth did have two daughters with the warrior, and the girls either were not abused or did not speak of abuse, Elizabeth fled from the tribe first chance she got. Some time shortly after Madora’s birth, the tribe was doing business with some traders from the Hudson Bay Company. Elizabeth was sent to fetch some water from a well where she was approached by a man from the company.

He thought her strange enough to ask why was she with the tribe. Elizabeth told him she was slave and couldn’t leave. He offered to help her escape but she declined stating she would not leave her daughters behind. The man told her to come back the next day and he would take all of them to Oregon City, Oregon, where Elizabeth supposedly had family.

The next day, under the guise of collecting water, Elizabeth, Mary, and Madora went to the well. The man also returned with two water barrels. Quickly, he put Elizabeth in one and Mary and Madora in the other. When they were far enough away he took them out of barrels and they continued on their way to Oregon.

Mary and Madora themselves confirmed they were left with a man named Antoine Le Fleur in Oregon City. It’s not known the exact relationship Elizabeth had with Le Fleur as she was married to my Step 4x Grandfather, Basil Plourde a French Canadian logger, by 1868.

Personally I believe Le Fleur may have been a cousin but on Ancestry no one is too certain and there is no information on the Le Fleur’s beyond Antoine caring for the girls. A census shows Mary living with him in 1880 but she’s also married to Basil’s brother Albert so I do believe they were probably cousins. Yes, mother and daughter married brothers. It was really weird trying to figure it out on Ancestry especially since there were times where Mary appeared as Elizabeth’s and Basil’s daughter or as Elizabeth’s sister, both older and younger.

I’ve noticed a thing with female rape victims where they claim their daughters as little sisters or cousins if they’re being held captive for periods of time. I guess it’s some sort of emotional defense or way of protecting the child from the truth of the situation. Elizabeth and Mary for a long time, claimed to be sisters which makes me think she was indeed raped and abused by the warrior who married her. Somehow before Elizabeth died, the story was set straight by them and the federal records show them as mother and daughter. So far, there has been no mention of what her relationship was like with Madora.

From the children she had with Basil, comes the Oregon Native American heritage, which my cousins enjoy. I am not from any Oregon tribe but whatever one happened to attack and kidnap Elizabeth. Either she never knew what they were called, which is unlikely, or she decided to never pass that information on.

Tonight I sent out an email to the Illinois State Archives place hoping to get more information. I really hope they can help. Their basic search tool for the archives brought up absolutely nothing and I can’t submit a request because I’m not an Illinois resident. Fingers crossed they can send me something or have a hidden out of state form that isn’t mentioned on the website.

I don’t think I’ll be able to figure out which Idaho tribe it was that attacked the Barkers. I don’t even know if they were traveling with a caravan or on their own, Elizabeth never told anyone.

Dammit, Grandma. Why does this side of the family has issues with communication? I swear no one ever talks to each other, I don’t know how we manage to hold family reunions every year.

I’m really hoping some African American dna will show up to at least solve one mystery. I want Elizabeth’s ethnicity stamped down. If she isn’t African American then why does Mary mark herself down as such? This could be mean Elizabeth was adopted by the Barkers who were African American or at least an interracial couple, and Mary really was her adopted sister. If she is African American then that still leaves me with some possibilities, none of which really confirm is she was adopted or not, just that she’s mixed:

  • half French Canadian or European descent, half African American, potentially part Native American
  • half French Canadian or European descent, half African American
  • half African American, half Native American

I’m not sure if French Canadian would show up at all and unfortunately even if it does, Madora’s husband was part Native American, part French Canadian, part European descent. Joy. So really all this is riding on whether any African American shows up. Either way, there is still a mystery around her I don’t think I can solve, especially if the Archives department can’t help me.

I don’t think racism really worked the people said it did back then because on all sides of my family there are more than few of interracial relationships. If people wanna fuck, they gon’ fuck regardless of the law and boy Fubi’s side of the family sure mixed in with everyone. Even today that side is low-key racist but a lot has a lot of mixed race kids. Not sure how that works but okay cousins, you do you.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

This isn’t very fun.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

source

I hate birth control. I hate birth control and trying to eat healthy. I went from 112 to 115 in a month. Three pounds in one month and like I’m fairly certain most of it is bloat because that’s a side effect of birth control but omigod, I want to hack my uterus out of my body and just end the fucking problem. On of my resolutions was to try to eat healthily(& not cuss so much), get down to and maintain 110 lbs. because that’s a pretty good weight for my height.

giphyWelp, I don’t think I can physically bring myself to eat right now. It all started yesterday when I realized a sandwich I like buying is 770 calories. It was, WAS, one of my safe foods. I finally got a job (yay me 🙂 ) and the store where I bought the evilwich from is like literally across the street and so I thought it would pretty cool getting buying the evilwich for lunch when I work.

It’s probably better I make my own lunches anyways but my logic was feeling good about buying food for myself would be a positive step towards eating properly. I have this problem of not eating at work and I realized this goes all the way back to my first job in 2011, where 80% of the time I didn’t eat lunch. Since EDNOS is basically pushed to the side when eating disorders are talked about, I never knew about it but now I’m fairly certain that’s what I have. Not quite an anorexic but definitely not a healthy eater.

So back to the story, after logging the evilwich, it catapulted me over my calorie limit for the day. I have it on Cronometer set to loose 1 lb a week, which I figured is normal, so I need to stick to a 1144 calorie/day diet. Which 1144 looks super low but I’m also super short (5’1) so I guess that makes sense but it just looks like a high restriction calorie limit I’ve seen on MPA (don’t judge). A 770 calorie sandwich leaves me with only 374 calories. The breakfast I made was pretty much 300 calories because I was eating an onion bun with some avocado. Pretty much when I got home I had no calories left for dinner and I ate something anyways and then proceeded to hate myself for the rest of night.

I got so stressed out the stupid rash I have became aggravated. I would post pics of the rash because honestly I don’t know what it is but I also don’t want to gross anyone out.

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Double vagina, really doc?

My PCP said it was eczema. She also said I probably had a double vagina and whoops, I’m being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder effecting my ovaries, so I don’t really trust anything she told me.  I wish my endocrinologist doctor was my PCP. Whatever the rash is, is literally making my skin a full shade darker. Like the outer edges of it are rough and itchy but the center is smooth. It’s like a reverse vitiligo but itchy.

Onto good news, I got a job. So no more working for Fubi and Step-Mom or ruining my hearing being stuck in a tractor for 12-16 hours a day for the entire summer working with pissy little high school students who have no work ethic and enjoy Step-Mom’s stupid little power games that undermine my authority as team leader. Now I can work at register or run around the apparel department all day until I get promoted because the only reason  I’m not in a management position is I’m new to the store and they want to see how I interact with the team before moving me up. So yea, leading a group of shit people is actually paying off because I’m qualified for higher positions.

✧*。٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و✧*。
giphy (1)

♡〜٩( ˃́▿˂̀ )۶〜♡

I can’t stand being around Fubi or Step-Mom. They’re having issues and it shows. Like okay, get this because this. is. bogus.

The MORNING AFTER CHRISTMAS Step-Mom texted me, Little Sister, and Step-Sister that she and Fubi don’t want gifts from us anymore, they want us to save our money or donate it to charities. Good God, I wish I saved the text so I could post it up here. It just reeked of assholery and arrogance. Little Sister and I didn’t bother responding.

giphy (2)

I’m fairly certain it was directed at just me and Little Sister due to some stuff Step- Sister has let slip and Step-Mom just included her daughter in the text so it wouldn’t seem like she was targeting us if we decided to tell anyone about the text. Naturally IDGAF about Fubi and Step-Mom but we were just blown away by her text. She sent it at 7 am the morning after Christmas. It was the first thing she did before starting her day. Like, WFT?

At least now I won’t have to see them on a daily basis over the summer so I can stay out of their stupid drama/ power play thing they have going on for no reason. Like who treats their family this way? Since I’m down sizing I told everyone like a month before Christmas not to get me anything, I didn’t do it the morning after I received a bunch of gifts.

Supposedly they got me something but I had no idea because I didn’t spend Christmas with them. When I dropped off their gifts, Step-Mom barely talked to me and didn’t even bother letting me know I had something so I just assumed I got what I wanted, which was nothing. I didn’t know there was a gift for me until I went to visit Grandma&Grandpa (on Fubi’s side).

Mind you, Fubi was in the house too making a sandwich and he couldn’t even tell me that. He mostly ignored me except to say I never visit and I should more. Like why I should visit you after the way I was treated over the summer and especially after your wife sends out that kind of text the. morning. after. Christmas? And I said not to get me anything because I want to live in a converted van, the last thing I need is more stuff when I’m trying to downsize.

It’s been one month and I haven’t gone over. In this particular power play, I’m going to win because I don’t want anything from them.

This was supposed to be positive section of my post but alas, it didn’t really work out that way.  Okay um, more positive news…

……

………

ʅ( ◜‸‾)ʅ(‾‸◝)ʃ(‾‸◝ )ʃ

At least now I feel like eating something. So yay for me. Blogging about my issues makes me want to eat right and exercise so woo. Sorry this came off as so ranty. I’m really frustrated about the birth control and anytime Fubi is around it makes me so upset.

I’ve been exercising more lately and I actually can notice a difference in my body and it feels good. Like I’ve been doing a squat workout and my butt and legs do look more toned and overall I feel better eating properly. I know I actually haven’t gained weight, it’s mostly bloat because I can physically feel and see how distended my stomach and abdomen is even though I haven’t eaten anything but that doesn’t help when I step on the scale and I’m being shown that I’m inching backwards with my weight.  Also the birth control is making me very emotionally volatile.

I don’t know if this is what happens when your body stops making estrogen at 13 and suddenly gets it at 25 or if this is just how birth control works. Either way, my hair is still falling out, I’m still super fatigued, my rash is still spreading, and my teeth are still acting like they want to give into gum disease despite my best efforts.

At least I have health insurance(;¬_¬).

Some really cool news, the Jewish part of my heritage is now confirmed. Awhile back I took a dna test that goes through all the mother’s only and Ashkenazim (is that the right word?)showed up rather frequently. I went out to Jewishgen.org and started inputting names to see if anything came up. Yea, on Mom’s side, going back through all the mothers is Ashkenazim, in fact that’s pretty much the family line until the 1700s when they started marrying non Jews. It’s also like that on a line on Fubi’s side but I haven’t told anyone on that side.

When I found out our Native American heritage started because a black girl was kidnapped by Native Americans in Idaho Fubi literally said “I don’t have no nigger in me.”

ಠ_ಠ Way to go Fubi.

 

I’m going to do a post about what I’ve found because frankly, I find it amazing even if Fubi is a raging racist failure of a person and most people on his side are low-key racist towards other minorities.

So yea, my European heritage is actually mostly Jewish, my Native American heritage is actually near non-existent and it was started by a black women, who has a massive mystery surrounding her.

The things I’m finding are exciting. Grandma (on Fubi’s side I think I’ll start calling her Grandma Farm) and I took a dna test that’ll go back 3-4 generations on all sides so I’m excited to see what gets brought up. We don’t know anything about Fubi’s father except he died after leaving Grandma Farm in a very massive dick-faced moved so having some dna show up from his side of the family through me is pretty exciting.

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Because the Jewish and African heritage is so far back I’m not too sure if it’ll show up, same with any of the results I got going back through the mother, since most of them are 1000-1500 in the past if I understand HRV-1 &2 matches correctly. It’ll probably show up as mostly Scot-Irish and English since those are the most recent ethnic groups that have married into the line. I wish it went back further so I could get a more accurate picture.

Now the only issue is they haven’t started working on our kits because everyone ordered a kit over the holidays soooooo I get to sit here with my curiosity for a while. In the mean time, I’m going to look for more Jews and try to figure out where 14% Algerian came from through all the mothers because that’s a lot for just one particular line, except it’s an HRV-1 match so and I don’t think records going back that far exist. Also I hear an avocado calling my name so today I’ll keep up my healthy eating streak. Except it’s 3:30 in the afternoon so I guess today for eating is a half success?

 

 

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Whoops.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

😅 Um, so yea. I temporarily forgot about my blog.  Haha, whoops.

In my defense stuff was going on, like my medication giving my depressive episodes and lots of family visits.

Since the new year, I still have the eating disorder, my periods came back and I hate them but low key am happy, and I’m job hunting. If I have to work with my family one more summer I’m going to go insane.

I had a wonderful Christmas and nice News Years spent playing ESO. I’ve lived alone for so long I rather enjoyed having News Years all to myself. As much as I love my family I’m not that festive of a person so I prefer to be alone on holidays. I didn’t even buy a Christmas scented candle or play any holiday music. I swear I do enjoy the holidays  but my participation in them in near non-existent.

In an effort to combat the eating disorder, I’m started getting into fitness a little more. So far so good, I’ve been able to eat somewhat more regularly however I’m making super low-cal meals. So like yea, three meals a day! All about ~300 cals each. That still counts as progress right, I ask knowing full well that today I have no plans for eating if I don’t exercise.

I applied to work at a gym.

Maybe seeing people take control of their health in a positive manner will encourage me to do the same. Or back fire horrendously. At this point I don’t care I just want a paycheck. Family drama over the holidays has led me to seriously considering living in my car just to get away from them.

I totally would too if I didn’t have Clar and Dexter. As it stands, I’m looking at getting a little camper, buying a used truck, and moving to Portland. Great in theory if I had a job. While still technically employed on the farm,

  1. I’m going to go insane and probably irreparably damage my relationship with my Fubi’s side if I’m forced to be around him or his wife one more summer.
  2. I can’t save up any money if I’m only being paid once a month for three months and then not doing anything the rest of the year. Farm life sucks in the financial department.
  3. The hours and family drama cause too much stress and triggered the eating disorder to level it’s at now. I don’t want to know what another year will do to me.

So I’m on the hunt for a new job. I’ve been at it since the start of the month. So far there’s a lot of places hiring, been rejected for one, got an interview at another yesterday( & haven’t heard back 😭), and spent most of my morning filling out applications today. At some point someone is bound to hire me, right?

In more positive news, my Etsy shop had exactly 3 sales this holiday season. And I got a 5 star review 😄. At least I do good at events. My goal this year is too attend more events because at least at them I have decent sales. Online it really kinda sucks but at least I now officially have a review and some sales under my belt.

I got two new molds this year so I’m able to diversify the style of necklace I sell and I’m looking at getting a bit more rustic( I guess that’s the right term?) with the dream catchers. The problem is if everyone is unique then no one in unique, I’m just hoping I can stand out out enough to make at least one sell a month. Anywho, hello people. I’m going to attempt regular posting again 😙.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Working through stuff #3

I’m counting the one I did on my phone as Working through stuff #2 but I’m not changing the title. Given my mindset lately this really is becoming a series and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I mean on one hand I’m acknowledging things and trying to work through them but on the other hand I feel like I’m using this blog as an excuse not to see someone. Like, look how self aware I am! I don’t need help but I secretly do because it’s midnight and this issue is keeping me up awake even though I have stuff to do tomorrow. On a bright note, Sanu is getting adopted tomorrow so that only leaves me with finding a home for Martin and then I’m back down to my normal level of cats, thank God.

So when I was about five or six I was molested by Fubi’s then-girlfriend’s son. I don’t remember a whole lot of it and had it blocked out for a very long time until I was in my sophomore year of high school and in an off hand comment, Mom wondered if I was molested by him or not. Then it was never brought up again and I was left dealing with flashbacks.

Because I don’t remember much about what happened beyond some bad scenes I’m not going to describe, I used to think it never affected me.

“I blocked it out for years and remembering has no ill effects beyond that one semester where I had a massive depressive episode. Also I’m afraid of being touched and men but Step Dad gets all blame for that one. Totally not in part due to being molested.”

Sounds like denial to me.

Acknowledging it a bit more and learning about how it has impacted me has me in a weird place with a lot of things. A lot of the effects of being abused (verbally and physically) by Step Dad over lap with symptoms of child sex abuse, and I’ve been thinking that a lot of my behavior doesn’t truly start with Fubi’s neglect and Step Dad’s abuse- they just made it worse.

I started thinking more about this because I’m trying to figure where I stand on sex and relationships. That’s a big part of people’s lives and with whatever hormone disorder I have any relationship I do have will be impacted by my lack of ability to have children. Unfortunately regardless of whatever hormone disorder I have, the universal symptom for them is infertility or a massively high miscarriage rate. That would undoubtedly have a big impact on any relationship and I need to learn how to be okay with it. I’m still not okay with it but that’s mainly because I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with anything yet. I probably won’t be until next year because my all tests keep coming back clean despite my ovaries not working.

Getting back to tragic back story, I don’t know my sexuality and I’m not sure if that’s due in part to being molested then suffering through Step Dad and being ignored by Fubi.

Originally I assumed I was straight because I’m not attracted to women, however I’m not really attracted to men. A hot man and a hot woman flirting with me would have same effect: I’d be flattered and that’s it.

I used to force myself to like boys because I thought if I didn’t have a crush on someone, then I was broken.  I didn’t (and still don’t) want to sex so my logic was to my make myself like someone and the need to sleep with them would naturally follow. It never happened. I went through two official boyfriends and two potential boyfriends before I stopped trying. I just can’t bring myself to truly feel romantic feelings for another person.

I don’t know if that’s a result of being molested followed up by verbal and physical abuse or if I’m actually asexual.

About 2013 I discovered the term ‘asexual’ and thought it was another made up Tumblr sexuality- gender thing because that’s what Tumblr does. Well the more I looked into the more I realized I really identified with it but I’m still hesitant to call myself a real asexual for several reasons:

  1. I have a hormone disorder that affects my libido.
  2. Sex abuse can artificially alter a person’s sexuality if they haven’t properly worked through it. I haven’t properly worked through being molested.
  3. Fubi and Step Dad are abusive father figures and set me up for being afraid of men.
  4. I haven’t sought out treatment for my mental illnesses so my lack of sexuality could simply be a symptom of abuse.

I don’t know who I am in terms of relationships and sex. Part of me thinks I am straight I’m just not attracted to men because of suffering abuse at the hands of men then not having proper treatment but part of me thinks maybe I am asexual and my feelings about sex, while influenced by abuse, are my true feelings.

Needless to say, I’m very confused. I don’t know what’s truly me and what’s a result of abuse and it sucks so bad. I think being this confused about something so important is part of why my eating disorder is so bad, which I need to do a post on that because I’ve realized I’ve been battling EDNOS for a very, very long time but it wasn’t until recently I learned that EDNOS was even a thing.

I need to see a therapist but as always, I’m worried I won’t be taken seriously because I’m very self aware with my issues. I know I have some sort of mental illness, I can sort of guesstimate which ones, and I can on my own identify what caused them. It’s just working through the symptoms that I struggle with. Just because I can figure what’s wrong doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. I can’t fix this my confusion on my sexuality, which should be clear cut but it’s not. I can’t fix why I randomly fall into depressive episodes and cry over the stupidest of things. I can’t fix my eating disorder and believe me I’ve been trying.

Despite how upset I am right now, I do feel better typing all this out. I’m not closer to an answer but seeing it in writing makes me feel valid. I’m so used to hiding to everything it’s really nice being able to freely express myself, even if nothing comes from it.

Winter Bazaar

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

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This weekend was a bazaar in my local area. I sold the wall hanging and like nine necklaces, which is pretty massive for a small town event. It snowed the second day so it was pretty empty. Some people did show up and a last minute customer really made my day. She bought three necklaces- two for her granddaughters and one for herself. I forgot to have out business cards for the first day so that kinda sucks. I think rearranged my table like nine different times over the course of the event. It was mainly the necklaces I kept changing up.

My logic was if I kept making my table look different people who’ve seen it before will still stop to look to what changed. It worked 😉😏.  Didn’t help out much with sells but people did come by more. I wish I took a picture of how I had before the event ended, I really liked the set up.

All last night and part of this morning I’ve been updating my FB page and Etsy. I changed up the background I’m using and thankfully got a new light bulb in my lamp and it’s made a world of difference. Now I just need to figure out what to do for dream catchers, they’re so big and laying them flat just doesn’t quite work so I’m probably going to create something needlessly elaborate to get better pictures of them. My house is not built with great natural lighting in mind.

 

 

📷🖌📷

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚Happy Fall・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*Pumpkingirl for blog.png

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Control

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I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately and throughout the searching I’ve been looking back at my life and realizing it really sucked.

My first memory is of Fubi getting up in Mom’s face and calling her a bitch and whore, then being spotted and having to hide in my bedroom with Little sister while Mom cried in the living room and Fubi went storming off to go drink and/or snort coke.

Is it any wonder I have issues?

My depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and disordered eating are a result of the child abuse I suffered at the hands of Step dad, made worse by Mom’s compliance, and Fubi’s neglect. From there I learned not to trust and to seize control in my life wherever possible.

Control, control, control otherwise I’ll be abused again.

Everything must be a certain and it must be in a way I made. If I can’t make something a certain way then I must learn the rules of the thing and strive to follow the rules.

I’m tired of doing that.

I’m so tired of trying to make everything just so. Even when I attempt to relax I must do it in a certain way. I create walls, boundaries, lists, and barriers and in the midst of all that I isolate myself from others. It’s easier to be a control freak when you don’t have to account for other people’s action.

I hate a change in circumstance that is not of my own making or at least following a set of rules. I don’t like random. I don’t like surprises. I don’t like guessing games, intrigue, or mystery.  I like things out in the open and blunt so I can see them and run away if necessary.

Running away and control.

One of the ways I control people is by running away from them. It’s not really controlling them, it’s controlling my interactions with them but still. I’ve ran away from so many people I’m not sure if I can ever truly make a meaningful connection. It worries me that may  I subconsciously group my family in with other people and that’s why I can go days without talking to them.

I don’t think I can ever be genuine with anyone.

I’m worried that when I do try to form a connection with someone it’s going to be unhealthy and toxic because I just straight up don’t know what a healthy relationship or friendship looks like.

I ran away from my best friend of seven years. It was actually a rare justified run away and I’m not going into details beyond it’s probably not a good idea to want one’s virgin best friend to do a rape/knife play threesome with one’s fiancee. That just makes things really really awkward.

It also justifies my desire to keep people at arms length because holy shit I did not need to know what she really thought of me. Anyways, I seem to attract people in my life that also do not know how to form healthy relationships with others.

So back to control. I’ve controlled all my friends out of my life, I’ll control Fubi out of my life eventually, and I’m desperately trying to not control the rest of the family I actually love.

Part of me has always been thrilled at the idea of disappearing. Just run off to start a new life, get bored, wash, rinse, repeat until I’m happy. I even sort of did that. From 2010 to last year, I moved at least once a year. Six years of moving. Six years of trying to restart myself. Six years of battling depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and feeling of crippling failure. I never found what I was looking for.

When I get my tiny house I’ll start looking again but maybe it won’t be so bad.

I fully intend on building a 7×12 Vardo and just roaming. I’m not sure what I’m looking for. I don’t know if I’m trying to find a home or a person, or my happiness. I don’t know if I even want to find it. I’m so used to being neurotic like this I don’t know if I’ve passed the point of no return. I was happy at one point and that lead to me giving into a eating disorder because nothing bad was happening.

I tried to give up some control today. For the past two days I have wanted to binge so fucking hard core. Like balls to the wall binge on everything. Thankfully I live an hour away from the nearest grocery store and an hour and a half away from the store with all the food I wanted to binge on. Unfortunately there are two mini-marts where I live and I bought some binge food. Non-vegan binge food. I didn’t binge. It tasted awful. I bought two boxes of Annie’s non-vegan mac’n’cheese and loaf of garlic bread. It didn’t taste good. I don’t think I could stop being a vegan even I wanted too.

I didn’t even eat half of the mac’n’cheese or bread. It was like half a serving and three slices of bread before I gave up.  The food tasted awful and kinda fake and it just killed all my binge urges.

At least now I can control binge urges and next time I’m just going to buy a shit of avocados and eat guacamole with those mustard chips I really like. At least then I know I’ll enjoy the food and it won’t make me feel sick.

On top of my control issues regarding friends, family, and food, I have massive control issues regarding romantic relationships and sex.

I’ve only been in two relationships. I essentially pushed both guys away by not communicating. That was back in 2008 and 2010. Haven’t been in one since.

I can’t bring myself to open up to anyone. I can’t imagine living with anyone. I can’t imagine sleeping with anyone. My gawd, I am so disgusted by sex and I don’t even know why. I’ve never been sexually abused so why I’m so weird about sex I have no idea.

Like to illustrate my sex issue, I had a dream where I did have sex with someone then it switched over to me floating in the middle of the ocean on a iceberg praying to God about how much I wanted die. I almost started crying when I woke up because I was so relieved to still be a virgin.

At this point I don’t think I want to be with anyone and the dream kinda shows that.

When planning for the future, I’m alone. No husband, no children, and at this point probably no animals after the current ones. When I picture my life I’m happy, successful at things I want to do, and living in my Vardo.

I can’t even live in a regular house because I must be able to freely leave. Except for now but that’s because I’m getting myself to a place of independence so I can have a Vardo and travel without worry.

Never have I seen myself with anyone. I don’t know what that would look like. I just know that I’ll create strict rules they’ll have to follow and it’ll lead to me someday running away because I can’t control them.

That’s not healthy.

I think it’s best if I avoid the situation all together and just try to take care of my eating habits and mental health.

My favorite song is “I’m Like a Bird” by Nelly Furtado. The whole song resonates me. Like I wanted to quote part of it but after finding the lyrics I just want to quote the whole thing so I’m going to. Makes me feel like a teenage on Facebook, quoting songs and shit.

You’re beautiful, that’s for sure
You’ll never ever fade
You’re lovely but it’s not for sure
That I won’t ever change
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus:]
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is, I don’t know where my home is
(and baby all I need for you to know is)
I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
I don’t know where my soul is , I don’t know where my home is
All I need for you to know is

Your faith in me brings me to tears
Even after all these years
And it pains me so much to tell
That you don’t know me that well
And though my love is rare
Though my love is true

[Chorus]

It’s not that I wanna say goodbye
It’s just that every time you try to tell me that you love me
Each and every single day I know
I’m going to have to eventually give you away
And though my love is rare
And though my love is true
Hey I’m just scared
That we may fall through

[Chorus x3]

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*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚Happy Fall・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*Pumpkingirl for blog.png

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚🍂☕🍂・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*