My doctor is an idiot

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Current mood: giphy.gif

Officially I’m at undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. My thyroid tests came back normal which means it was being effected by a lack estrogen. Kind of figured but I’m happy to have that cleared up. My period came back and now it’s going away. I’ve been tracking it with my planner and I’m only into the third month and now it’s pretty much going away. The spot bleeding is down, which is great, but so is the actual period part. This month I haven’t had what you can a regular period. It was one day of normal bleeding and the rest have been spot bleeding. I told my doctor this.

He asked if I have hot flashes.

No.giphy-downsized-large.gif

Third time of telling him and him writing it down, I haven’t had hot flashes since I was 14.

I told him my hair is still falling out, despite following the dentists instructions to a ‘t’ I’m still in the beginning stages of gum disease, my rash is spreading and it’s not eczema, my off and on chest pains are more consistent, I have trouble breathing while laying down, and I keep getting sharp stabs of pain in my feet and occasionally in my wrist. I’m having consistent side pain, mainly on the right side. On top of all of this I’m have debilitating fatigue.

I’ve always had issues with being really tired all the time but now it’s at the point where there are days I can’t even get out of bed to brush my teeth or even get a cup of water. If it wasn’t for the cats needing to be fed there are days where I probably wouldn’t get up until I needed to use the restroom because I’m just so damn tired. There used to be this joke with my family that I must be a big time night owl because I’m always so sleepy. It’s wasn’t funny then and it’s certainly not funny now. ˓˓(ᑊᘩᑊ⁎)

This is happening nearly everyday now to the point where I do, say the dishes, and then afterwards I lay down for a couple hours. I take a shower, lay down for a couple hours or the rest of the night. I get on my laptop for a couple hours, well that was tiring, time to lay down for the rest of the day.

I told my doctor this.

He asked what my diet was like and I told him I’m a vegan so I got tested vitamin deficiencies. Because being vegan the past two years can totally effect an issue that’s been going on since I was 13. giphy (1)

I’m only low in vitamin d. My b12 is fine. Iron is fine. It’s just a lack of vitamin d. Because it’s fucking freezing and I’m not going outside to frolic in the sun. It’s not even deficient, just low. At least I know the eating disorder isn’t causing issues.

The issue as to way my ovaries are not responding to my brain still has yet to be addressed or even diagnosed. I don’t even know if I have any egg follicles left because that hasn’t even been tested for because part of my issue could be there is nothing in my ovaries and that’s what they aren’t doing anything.

I’m not sure why I was even sent to him since his specialty is thyroid issues.  He is an endocrinologist so I guess it was good to see him to have it established there is an ovary issue but now this is clearly not just an ovary issue nor is it remotely a thyroid issue. It’s an autoimmune disorder. He doesn’t work with autoimmune disorders so I’m not sure why I have yet to be recommended to someone else.

The worst part about this is that it might be lupus. Little Sister is an esthetician  and she has two clients and a co-worker with lupus. According to her, we complain about the same things. Grandma on Mom’s side has a friend who’s grand daughter was diagnosed with lupus and guess what? She was going through what I was going through. I’m a little worried, needless to say.  (。•́︿•̀。)

giphy (3)

My exact face to all of this.

I don’t get the butterfly face rash but guess what my face has been doing lately? Turning red around my cheeks and getting itchy. I had this weird rough itchy patch on my cheek and it healed up fairly quickly so I don’t know what to make of it. Little sister said to change my moisturizer but the thing is, I’m using a new moisturizer. I change brands every time I buy a new one so my skin doesn’t become accustomed to the same moisturizer because that will cause issues like face itchiness. I do the same with the nighttime moisturizer too. And the toner.

 

I found 4 2×2 canvases and got them all painted up and took some pictures of them so I could add them to my Etsy shop. Well you see I completely forgot I had finished and took pictures of one. Like I didn’t remember it all. When I was taking pictures off my phone I was legit shocked to pictures of it because I swore up and down I still hadn’t even finished painting it and I look over to where I had the paintings sitting, and there it was. All done.

I legit forgot something. Like completely. I don’t even remember spraying it with fixative and setting up it with the other completed paintings. Σ(‘◉⌓◉’)

Anyone have any idea what’s wrong with me? The doctor has yet to call me back for another appointment so if I don’t hear anything by Friday, I’m going to call them. It feels like since I got the birth control everything is getting worse. I’m just ran out of refills on it and can’t really afford to get some more and quite frankly I don’t think that’s fixing anything. If anything it may have made the issue worse.

In other news, I left the job. You know how I was talking about the rumor spreading that my manager went on a 10 minute rant about in the training? Yea. You know I mentioned that the two year old Glassdoor reviews were pretty true two years later? Yea. Just yea. That place is the epitome of toxic work environment and after I left they had three other job openings crop up. Gee I wonder why? (눈_눈)

So I’m on the hunt again. I’ve actually quite a few interviews which is nice but everyone brings up the hour and half commute from here to there. When I lived in Minnesota I had a two hour commute home due to both distance and traffic and that never effected my ability to come into work on time or cover a shift. Apparently here an hour and half is too scary to hire me but they’ll still call me in for an interview.Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)

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What employers must think my commute is

Like if I’m showing up for an interview clearly the commute is not an issue. I know it’s the commute part too because most of the interview is me explaining I can show up on time and I’m fully capable of driving home in the dark.

 

 

So I’ve switched gears a little and I’m looking now in the town where Mom and Grandparents live. I’m using their address because they live in town and honestly if I get a job where they live I’ll probably just move. I want to go back to school and there is a community college there I attended previously. I’m like five classes ( two of which are math classes (╬⓪益⓪) ) away from my degree. So I want to go back, hopefully either this summer or fall.  For now though, it’s job hunting time and trying to hold Mom back from making a four hour drive to kill my doctor. She’s going with me to my next appointment. I’m scared for my doctor.  (๑•﹏•)

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Not actually Native American

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

The dna results from Ancestry came back and boy howdy, this was a trip for me and  I have so many flipping questions.

Okay let’s start off with Elizabeth. Great Great Great Grandmother Elizabeth Barker Pluard SmithShe is part African. The test went back to the 1700s for me and Grandma Farm’s test hasn’t started processing so I’m not sure what it’ll say for her. For me, >1% Benin/Togo came back. Elizabeth was mixed. Not by a whole lot but she was mixed and it does explain why Mary looks African. So yea, that question has been answered. She was cared for by people called the Barkers but I changed the name to La Fleur because on one of her records that was the last name given and voila! More records for the Barker’s appeared. They were of European descent. So essentially, these white (gah I hate using color terms to describe people) people were caring for a girl of mixed ethnicity and an unknown little sister who died during the Native American attack. She was mixed, had a little sister, and the Barker’s were her adopted family. The Barker’s were related to the La Fleur’s through the adopted mother.

Now the interesting part of the dna test. I am 2% Native American. 

And by that I mean New Mexico and down. So really it’s Hispanic. I’m 2% Hispanic. Elizabeth was a mix of white, black, and Hispanic, because there was the whole brief family rumor she was Native descent. Yea, either Texas or New Mexico descent, which was essentially Mexico at the time. So yea. The whole story of her family is completely lost. I have the starting point of Benin and Togo and the ending point with Elizabeth and everything in between is gone. 

My theory is the slave ancestors escaped somehow, went to Texas or New Mexico,  had some mixed babies, traveled up to Illinois, had some more mixed babies which produced Elizabeth and her little sister, died, and left Elizabeth with the Barkers. This would explain why Elizabeth briefly mentioned she may have been Native American because the rumor did come from her. 

It’s just a theory because again, everything is bloody lost. The Barker’s themselves barely have any records. I think because Elizabeth was mixed with Benin, Hispanic, and Euro-descent, that maybe she and the Barker’s were distantly related. I mean they did take in her daughters for a long period time (Mary was with them until she was 19 and married) that maybe they were her Euro-descent relatives? I don’t know because again there’s no records. There is nothing for me to go off of, I don’t even know the names of her parents or of the little sister that died.

So I’m going to start researching the slave trade around Benin and Togo and see if I can get some sort of insight into what my ancestors went through and estimate when they may have arrived in America. It won’t do much for the family history but it’ll be something. 

So here’s a very interesting thing. Elizabeth, a mixed race woman brings up less than 1% Benin and contributes(potentially) to the 2% Native American, which is essentially Native Mexican given the area named, which I’ll go over in more detail by the way. 

If I can get less than 1% Benin from her, where is Grandpa Rapist? 

I’m estimating the Barker’s traveled on the Oregon Trail given that they died in Idaho. The Cayuse tribe had territory the Trail cut straight through and they were attacking settlers. With all this, I’m assuming the Cayuse were responsible for the attack that killed the Barkers and kidnapped Elizabeth. Why then does Grandpa Rapist ( the warrior that married Elizabeth) not show up when >1% Benin & Togo from Elizabeth does? 

I know as a whole, Native Americans don’t have many genetic markers. I’m not sure why this is but I do know testing for Native American can be a challenge. Enough from the Native Northern Mexicans showed up to be identified at Native American but no Cayuse? No Pacific Native American? No Oregon or Idaho tribe dna?

I know it can show up because it does with some of my actual Native American cousins and it was one way they were able to kick people of the tribe because around the late ’80s-’90s they had an issue with people from other tribes entering into theirs to get money. They were using blood tests as a way to figure out who was from there. This also illustrates there was some record fudging because Grandma, Fubi, and some cousins, despite being Hispanic, are still considered Native American.

The Cayuse actively took slaves. Their Nez Perce neighbors were wary of them given the warlike and slave dealing ways. The Cayuse also did trading in parts of Northern California and potentially even further down.

My theory goes that Grandpa Rapist is not Cayuse but also from Mexico. When the Conquistadors were doing their thing, native tribes fled from them. I’m wondering if whatever tribe Grandpa Rapist hailed from fled North to the States( which wasn’t the States at the time) and somehow traveled up far enough to encounter the Cayuse and through some means integrated into the tribe. It would explain no North American tribes show up yet somehow we ended up with 2% Hispanic, which is incorrectly identified at Native American. 

Before I continue, I’m going to go over the Hispanic dna. It shows up as 2% Native American but I believe that to be incorrect because that’s using modern borders to name the dna when it’s actually North Mexican and down. 

So the areas where dna comes from is:

  • the whole of New Mexico
  • West & Central Mexico
  • Chihuahua & Durango
  • Northwest Mexico & Southern coast of California
  • Northeast Mexico & Southern Texas
  • Nuevo Leon & Tamaulipas
  • Nicaragua & Costa Rica
  • Ecuador
  • Chile
  • Peru
  • Central America

Not a single speck of North America Native American. I don’t really consider the New Mexican tribes to be Native American, because that’s separating ethnicities by using modern borders. 

Now onto the other part of the 2%. 

Meet Melinda, my 4th Great Grandmother. 

Melinda Luce

According to her records, she was born in Placerville, California. I don’t think that’s right. I think was she was one of the many children that was stolen from their tribes and placed into those shitty bordering schools. Melinda is not her real name. Her parents are unknown. Her birthday is probably made up too. I think she’s where the South Californian comes from. Clearly she is not of European descent. I don’t know what the government did to the children of the North Mexican tribes but on top of looking into the Benin and Togo slave trade, I’m going to see what potentially happened to Melinda and those ancestors. This raises dna test raises so questions for me. Like does the 2% really come from potentially 3 people? I had some Euro-descent relatives in California and Texas, was one of their children actually mixed and it was never recorded? What tribes can I claim as my ancestors? On paperwork should I start marking myself as part Hispanic? 

Like I already put down mixed race because quite frankly people of European descent should not be lumped as ‘white’. That’s incorrect and history proves it. Just because a group of people have pale skin does not make them same, same as having brown does make all those groups ‘brown’ or ‘black’. Having a percentage of anything is a big deal. It shows up in my dna. They’re there. They exist. I have proof of them and I have picture of one and potentially a picture of another. It feels almost disrespectful to simply disregard them because it’s only 2%. Like what do I say? It’s 2% so it’s not there, so I can’t claim them? 

This also raises up some mixed feelings for who I used to regard myself as. All my life I’ve been told I’m Native American. That’s not true anymore. I have no Native American ancestry, they’re Hispanic. Once again I have no tribe to claim and the gap between my actual Native American cousins has widened. Grandma Farm is going to be so upset that she isn’t actually Native American and I have no idea what she’s going to do with this information. This also shows that testing for the Oregon tribes at least is flawed since a wide chunk of my family has no Native American in them. Yea, some people did marry into Oregon tribes and they truly are Native American. I happened to descended from those aren’t as do a wide range of cousins.  

As an idea what my family looks like, here are more pictures. 

Madora Jeffers

Madora, daughter of Elizabeth and my 3rd great grandmother

Ira Leo Jeffers with Wife

On the left is Ira, grandson of Elizabeth & son of Madora, my 2nd Great Grandpa. On the right is Bertha, granddaughter of Melinda & my 2nd great grandmother.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think is why it was so easy for my family to get into the tribe despite not actually having any Native American dna. We really look the part. We look like our Native cousins despite being Hispanic and I think because the Native part of the family is so embedded into the Tribe it’s easy to overlook some inconsistencies for the sake of family.  Now onto one last mystery. Fubi’s father.

 

 

 

Fubi’s father is pretty unknown by everyone except Grandma Farm. What happened is she and her boyfriend got officially engaged. He was a year older and graduated high school first, got drafted in Vietnam, sent over, and she lived with his parents. She was pregnant with Fubi in her senior year. They were supposed to get married when he got back.

Then he decided to marry a Vietnamese women. He asked for the engagement rings to be sent to him and they kicked out Grandma Farm and Fubi. Please keep in mind I don’t hold any resentment for the Vietnamese woman. She tried up until his death to reconcile Fubi and his father but neither one of them made any effort. According to Mom, she would send letters and call all the time trying to get Fubi to see his father or at least talk to him, and when he died she called to let him know.

I don’t blame her for what happened and honestly I think she was kept in the dark about Grandma Farm and Fubi until she arrived in the States, which was not all fair to her and I believe she felt guilty(something she shouldn’t have felt guilty about in the first place since it wasn’t her fault) about the whole situation which was why she made such an effort to contact Fubi. He just got his father’s stubbornness and now it’s too late for any sort of reconciliation.

His name was Daniel Shear or Shearer and he was born in 1944 and it’s estimated he died about 1991-92, probably in Oregon. I don’t know what his ethnicity is. I don’t know if he contributes to the 2% or not. Fubi won’t take a dna test and Grandma Farm won’t talk about it, and it was such a damn fight trying to just get his name out of her. Most of the story comes from Mom telling me about it because no one else will.

So far on Ancestry, nothing has come up for him. I’m not sure where else to look or what information I could possibly add to try to bring up some records. Mom isn’t even sure if Daniel is his name or not but it’s what she remembers and Grandma Farm didn’t say otherwise.

I know Grandma Farm is not happy that I know about Fubi’s father. I don’t think Grandpa Farm is too bothered but I know the situation makes him uncomfortable. They kept this from me and Little Sister for so long I think they were hoping to just erase the whole thing. Mom didn’t let that happen and I’m really grateful she said something.

So anyways, that’s a family history update. I have a bit more but it deserves it’s own post. If anyone knows of any resources that could help me find anything please let me know.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

 

(•̀⌄•́)

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

That was rather disappointing. giphy (5)

First and foremost, the Illinois archives are a dead end. I couldn’t find anything for Elizabeth and they couldn’t help me because even though I requested a search for emancipation documents on the Barker’s (under the assumption they are African- American), I was told they had no idea what sort of documents I was requesting. Like who doesn’t understand that I’m looking for emancipation and slave documents in a given time frame with the family name, occupation, county lived in, and name of their daughter plus her birth date. Okay, yea that apparently wasn’t clear enough. (҂⌣̀_⌣́)

I’m fairly certain this is why people hire professional genealogists, they’re taken seriously and given access to stuff. I’m trying figure out the ethnicity of my great 4x Grandmother, not whatever the Hell they thought I was going to do with the information. So bleh. Back to square one with Elizabeth.

Pluard Family - Elizabeth Barker - Back Far Right, Mary Louise LaFleur - Back Far Left

Not sure when this was taken but it was in Oregon.

Elizabeth is on the back right. Mary, her daughter, is next to her. The women in front right is Mary’s daughter Susan (it’s not known for sure if it’s Susan or another daughter) and two of Susan’s daughters. Some family were wondering why Mary looks older and I think it’s because she lost her husband in a logging accident pretty early on in her marriage. During this period in Oregon there were exclusion laws against African- Americans, even though Elizabeth and her daughters came in at a time where the laws weren’t as harsh, it looks like they still had a lot of restrictions to face. So given all that combined with her strained relationship with her mother, I can imagine life aging her fairly rapidly. In the picture Elizabeth looks more African- American so I think she had, at the very least, one African-American parent. I wish this was in color. Susan I believed married a man of European descent (plus her father was French-Canadian) so it appears Mary’s genetics didn’t really pass on. Unfortunately there aren’t pictures of the other children so I don’t overall how the family looked. Most of the cousins today tend to be a bit dark, with light olive colored skin and dark eyes and hair- pretty much how I look tends to be the standard appearance. Overall, we look very Native/Euro mixed which is pretty much what the family is. Very few of us are actually 100% Native.

I really want the dna kits to get processed already.

Now onto my first day of work. The Glass door reviews were right about the location I’m working at and that’s not a good thing. The manager went on a tangent about how much she hates work place gossiping during orientation and during my lunch break I got to witness firsthand how bad the gossip is. To make matters a little off, the supervisor training me was the subject of the gossip.  Needless to say my first day did not leave me with a good impression and despite being on the floor for three hours I still have no idea what my duties are. The training was really lackluster by everyone involved. Something that was unsurprisingly mentioned in the Glassdoor reviews. Ya know, I had two other potential employers call me for interviews and I really wish I hadn’t passed on them.

I’ve been in another place where the gossip was bad, made worse by the fact the department manager was an emotionally unstable alcoholic the store leader was actively trying to replace, so I know how bad gossip can ruin a work place. So this is a bit discouraging but for the most part I work independently of others so that’s nice. Now if I can figure what exactly I’m supposed to do, things will be fine.

Now onto good news. Actually it’s great news 🙂

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Bye-bye!

Not even noon and I had a sell on my Etsy shop.  One of my more popular dream catchers finally sold, which is great for the customer because today’s the last day of the sale I had going on. Have to admit I’m a little sad to see it go. I don’t have anymore purple roses and that was the last of the pastel rainbow yarn.  It’s only a 10% sale so all in all, not too spectacular. I want to move old merchandise and for the most part, a lot of my old dream catchers have finally sold. Most of them are leftover Winter themed ones that probably won’t sell until, well this Winter.

On Instagram I’m a bit more active and most of my new stuff or projects get posted up on there. Hint, hint. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge ( ๑‾̀◡‾́)σ»

One good thing about my job is I’m 100% on my feet for about six hours so I feel fairly comfortable with eating on work days. Which is nice because doing an hour and half commute on an empty stomach is not fun. So yea, I gots that going for me at least.

Overall, today was a bit of a fail with eating. I’m probably at ~750 calories or so. I ate two meals and an apple. At least I got a snack in.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Great 4x Grandma Elizabeth

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*Great Great Great Grandmother Elizabeth Barker Pluard Smith

So many mysteries around Grandma Elizabeth. I’ll start with her possible race combinations:

  • Part African-American, part French Canadian or European descent, part Native American
  • Half African-American, half European descent or French Canadian
  • Half African-American, half Native American
  • Half Native American, half European descent or French Canadian

Whew… so many possibilities but only one is true. On a census she is marked black, while on others she is marked as white. Her first daughter is marked as black on nearly all her censuses, her second daughter Madora is marked as white on all of her censuses. What is the truth? I have no idea because my dna kit has yet to be processed.

Starting from the beginning, as told by her grandson Hollister Plourde and recorded down by his family, backed up by the records I have thanks to Ancestry:

Elizabeth was born in 1843 to the Barkers, who lived in Illinois. There is a rumor Elizabeth and a sibling were adopted by the Barkers. If true, it’s not known if the Barkers had any relation to Elizabeth or if they just wanted to care for her. Either way, I can’t find anything on this period of Elizabeth’s life or even the name of her parents and the mysterious sibling.

Around late 1850s, the Barkers left Randolph County Illinois for Oregon. Somewhere in Owyhee, Idaho, their caravan was attacked, her parents, an unknown sibling listed as not even a year old, were slaughtered by Native Americans (thanks Grandpa 4x for that, you asshat) and Elizabeth was taken captive. She was around 12-15 years old when this took place.

Great Great Grandmother Mary Louise Pluard

It’s unknown when exactly she was taken as a wife by one of the warriors. About 1859, at the age of 16, she gave birth to her first daughter, Mary. Mary is marked as black on nearly all of her censuses, lending credit to the theory that Elizabeth is at least mixed, which would mean the Barkers may have been interracial or adopted a mixed ethnicity Elizabeth.

Madora Jeffers

About 1864 she again gave birth to a daughter, Madora, who is my Great 3x Grandmother. It’s not known what the girls were called by the tribe or how they were viewed, since their mother was technically taken as a slave.

While Elizabeth did have two daughters with the warrior, and the girls either were not abused or did not speak of abuse, Elizabeth fled from the tribe first chance she got. Some time shortly after Madora’s birth, the tribe was doing business with some traders from the Hudson Bay Company. Elizabeth was sent to fetch some water from a well where she was approached by a man from the company.

He thought her strange enough to ask why was she with the tribe. Elizabeth told him she was slave and couldn’t leave. He offered to help her escape but she declined stating she would not leave her daughters behind. The man told her to come back the next day and he would take all of them to Oregon City, Oregon, where Elizabeth supposedly had family.

The next day, under the guise of collecting water, Elizabeth, Mary, and Madora went to the well. The man also returned with two water barrels. Quickly, he put Elizabeth in one and Mary and Madora in the other. When they were far enough away he took them out of barrels and they continued on their way to Oregon.

Mary and Madora themselves confirmed they were left with a man named Antoine Le Fleur in Oregon City. It’s not known the exact relationship Elizabeth had with Le Fleur as she was married to my Step 4x Grandfather, Basil Plourde a French Canadian logger, by 1868.

Personally I believe Le Fleur may have been a cousin but on Ancestry no one is too certain and there is no information on the Le Fleur’s beyond Antoine caring for the girls. A census shows Mary living with him in 1880 but she’s also married to Basil’s brother Albert so I do believe they were probably cousins. Yes, mother and daughter married brothers. It was really weird trying to figure it out on Ancestry especially since there were times where Mary appeared as Elizabeth’s and Basil’s daughter or as Elizabeth’s sister, both older and younger.

I’ve noticed a thing with female rape victims where they claim their daughters as little sisters or cousins if they’re being held captive for periods of time. I guess it’s some sort of emotional defense or way of protecting the child from the truth of the situation. Elizabeth and Mary for a long time, claimed to be sisters which makes me think she was indeed raped and abused by the warrior who married her. Somehow before Elizabeth died, the story was set straight by them and the federal records show them as mother and daughter. So far, there has been no mention of what her relationship was like with Madora.

From the children she had with Basil, comes the Oregon Native American heritage, which my cousins enjoy. I am not from any Oregon tribe but whatever one happened to attack and kidnap Elizabeth. Either she never knew what they were called, which is unlikely, or she decided to never pass that information on.

Tonight I sent out an email to the Illinois State Archives place hoping to get more information. I really hope they can help. Their basic search tool for the archives brought up absolutely nothing and I can’t submit a request because I’m not an Illinois resident. Fingers crossed they can send me something or have a hidden out of state form that isn’t mentioned on the website.

I don’t think I’ll be able to figure out which Idaho tribe it was that attacked the Barkers. I don’t even know if they were traveling with a caravan or on their own, Elizabeth never told anyone.

Dammit, Grandma. Why does this side of the family has issues with communication? I swear no one ever talks to each other, I don’t know how we manage to hold family reunions every year.

I’m really hoping some African American dna will show up to at least solve one mystery. I want Elizabeth’s ethnicity stamped down. If she isn’t African American then why does Mary mark herself down as such? This could be mean Elizabeth was adopted by the Barkers who were African American or at least an interracial couple, and Mary really was her adopted sister. If she is African American then that still leaves me with some possibilities, none of which really confirm is she was adopted or not, just that she’s mixed:

  • half French Canadian or European descent, half African American, potentially part Native American
  • half French Canadian or European descent, half African American
  • half African American, half Native American

I’m not sure if French Canadian would show up at all and unfortunately even if it does, Madora’s husband was part Native American, part French Canadian, part European descent. Joy. So really all this is riding on whether any African American shows up. Either way, there is still a mystery around her I don’t think I can solve, especially if the Archives department can’t help me.

I don’t think racism really worked the people said it did back then because on all sides of my family there are more than few of interracial relationships. If people wanna fuck, they gon’ fuck regardless of the law and boy Fubi’s side of the family sure mixed in with everyone. Even today that side is low-key racist but a lot has a lot of mixed race kids. Not sure how that works but okay cousins, you do you.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

This isn’t very fun.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

source

I hate birth control. I hate birth control and trying to eat healthy. I went from 112 to 115 in a month. Three pounds in one month and like I’m fairly certain most of it is bloat because that’s a side effect of birth control but omigod, I want to hack my uterus out of my body and just end the fucking problem. On of my resolutions was to try to eat healthily(& not cuss so much), get down to and maintain 110 lbs. because that’s a pretty good weight for my height.

giphyWelp, I don’t think I can physically bring myself to eat right now. It all started yesterday when I realized a sandwich I like buying is 770 calories. It was, WAS, one of my safe foods. I finally got a job (yay me 🙂 ) and the store where I bought the evilwich from is like literally across the street and so I thought it would pretty cool getting buying the evilwich for lunch when I work.

It’s probably better I make my own lunches anyways but my logic was feeling good about buying food for myself would be a positive step towards eating properly. I have this problem of not eating at work and I realized this goes all the way back to my first job in 2011, where 80% of the time I didn’t eat lunch. Since EDNOS is basically pushed to the side when eating disorders are talked about, I never knew about it but now I’m fairly certain that’s what I have. Not quite an anorexic but definitely not a healthy eater.

So back to the story, after logging the evilwich, it catapulted me over my calorie limit for the day. I have it on Cronometer set to loose 1 lb a week, which I figured is normal, so I need to stick to a 1144 calorie/day diet. Which 1144 looks super low but I’m also super short (5’1) so I guess that makes sense but it just looks like a high restriction calorie limit I’ve seen on MPA (don’t judge). A 770 calorie sandwich leaves me with only 374 calories. The breakfast I made was pretty much 300 calories because I was eating an onion bun with some avocado. Pretty much when I got home I had no calories left for dinner and I ate something anyways and then proceeded to hate myself for the rest of night.

I got so stressed out the stupid rash I have became aggravated. I would post pics of the rash because honestly I don’t know what it is but I also don’t want to gross anyone out.

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Double vagina, really doc?

My PCP said it was eczema. She also said I probably had a double vagina and whoops, I’m being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder effecting my ovaries, so I don’t really trust anything she told me.  I wish my endocrinologist doctor was my PCP. Whatever the rash is, is literally making my skin a full shade darker. Like the outer edges of it are rough and itchy but the center is smooth. It’s like a reverse vitiligo but itchy.

Onto good news, I got a job. So no more working for Fubi and Step-Mom or ruining my hearing being stuck in a tractor for 12-16 hours a day for the entire summer working with pissy little high school students who have no work ethic and enjoy Step-Mom’s stupid little power games that undermine my authority as team leader. Now I can work at register or run around the apparel department all day until I get promoted because the only reason  I’m not in a management position is I’m new to the store and they want to see how I interact with the team before moving me up. So yea, leading a group of shit people is actually paying off because I’m qualified for higher positions.

✧*。٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و✧*。
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♡〜٩( ˃́▿˂̀ )۶〜♡

I can’t stand being around Fubi or Step-Mom. They’re having issues and it shows. Like okay, get this because this. is. bogus.

The MORNING AFTER CHRISTMAS Step-Mom texted me, Little Sister, and Step-Sister that she and Fubi don’t want gifts from us anymore, they want us to save our money or donate it to charities. Good God, I wish I saved the text so I could post it up here. It just reeked of assholery and arrogance. Little Sister and I didn’t bother responding.

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I’m fairly certain it was directed at just me and Little Sister due to some stuff Step- Sister has let slip and Step-Mom just included her daughter in the text so it wouldn’t seem like she was targeting us if we decided to tell anyone about the text. Naturally IDGAF about Fubi and Step-Mom but we were just blown away by her text. She sent it at 7 am the morning after Christmas. It was the first thing she did before starting her day. Like, WFT?

At least now I won’t have to see them on a daily basis over the summer so I can stay out of their stupid drama/ power play thing they have going on for no reason. Like who treats their family this way? Since I’m down sizing I told everyone like a month before Christmas not to get me anything, I didn’t do it the morning after I received a bunch of gifts.

Supposedly they got me something but I had no idea because I didn’t spend Christmas with them. When I dropped off their gifts, Step-Mom barely talked to me and didn’t even bother letting me know I had something so I just assumed I got what I wanted, which was nothing. I didn’t know there was a gift for me until I went to visit Grandma&Grandpa (on Fubi’s side).

Mind you, Fubi was in the house too making a sandwich and he couldn’t even tell me that. He mostly ignored me except to say I never visit and I should more. Like why I should visit you after the way I was treated over the summer and especially after your wife sends out that kind of text the. morning. after. Christmas? And I said not to get me anything because I want to live in a converted van, the last thing I need is more stuff when I’m trying to downsize.

It’s been one month and I haven’t gone over. In this particular power play, I’m going to win because I don’t want anything from them.

This was supposed to be positive section of my post but alas, it didn’t really work out that way.  Okay um, more positive news…

……

………

ʅ( ◜‸‾)ʅ(‾‸◝)ʃ(‾‸◝ )ʃ

At least now I feel like eating something. So yay for me. Blogging about my issues makes me want to eat right and exercise so woo. Sorry this came off as so ranty. I’m really frustrated about the birth control and anytime Fubi is around it makes me so upset.

I’ve been exercising more lately and I actually can notice a difference in my body and it feels good. Like I’ve been doing a squat workout and my butt and legs do look more toned and overall I feel better eating properly. I know I actually haven’t gained weight, it’s mostly bloat because I can physically feel and see how distended my stomach and abdomen is even though I haven’t eaten anything but that doesn’t help when I step on the scale and I’m being shown that I’m inching backwards with my weight.  Also the birth control is making me very emotionally volatile.

I don’t know if this is what happens when your body stops making estrogen at 13 and suddenly gets it at 25 or if this is just how birth control works. Either way, my hair is still falling out, I’m still super fatigued, my rash is still spreading, and my teeth are still acting like they want to give into gum disease despite my best efforts.

At least I have health insurance(;¬_¬).

Some really cool news, the Jewish part of my heritage is now confirmed. Awhile back I took a dna test that goes through all the mother’s only and Ashkenazim (is that the right word?)showed up rather frequently. I went out to Jewishgen.org and started inputting names to see if anything came up. Yea, on Mom’s side, going back through all the mothers is Ashkenazim, in fact that’s pretty much the family line until the 1700s when they started marrying non Jews. It’s also like that on a line on Fubi’s side but I haven’t told anyone on that side.

When I found out our Native American heritage started because a black girl was kidnapped by Native Americans in Idaho Fubi literally said “I don’t have no nigger in me.”

ಠ_ಠ Way to go Fubi.

 

I’m going to do a post about what I’ve found because frankly, I find it amazing even if Fubi is a raging racist failure of a person and most people on his side are low-key racist towards other minorities.

So yea, my European heritage is actually mostly Jewish, my Native American heritage is actually near non-existent and it was started by a black women, who has a massive mystery surrounding her.

The things I’m finding are exciting. Grandma (on Fubi’s side I think I’ll start calling her Grandma Farm) and I took a dna test that’ll go back 3-4 generations on all sides so I’m excited to see what gets brought up. We don’t know anything about Fubi’s father except he died after leaving Grandma Farm in a very massive dick-faced moved so having some dna show up from his side of the family through me is pretty exciting.

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Because the Jewish and African heritage is so far back I’m not too sure if it’ll show up, same with any of the results I got going back through the mother, since most of them are 1000-1500 in the past if I understand HRV-1 &2 matches correctly. It’ll probably show up as mostly Scot-Irish and English since those are the most recent ethnic groups that have married into the line. I wish it went back further so I could get a more accurate picture.

Now the only issue is they haven’t started working on our kits because everyone ordered a kit over the holidays soooooo I get to sit here with my curiosity for a while. In the mean time, I’m going to look for more Jews and try to figure out where 14% Algerian came from through all the mothers because that’s a lot for just one particular line, except it’s an HRV-1 match so and I don’t think records going back that far exist. Also I hear an avocado calling my name so today I’ll keep up my healthy eating streak. Except it’s 3:30 in the afternoon so I guess today for eating is a half success?

 

 

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Whoops.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

😅 Um, so yea. I temporarily forgot about my blog.  Haha, whoops.

In my defense stuff was going on, like my medication giving my depressive episodes and lots of family visits.

Since the new year, I still have the eating disorder, my periods came back and I hate them but low key am happy, and I’m job hunting. If I have to work with my family one more summer I’m going to go insane.

I had a wonderful Christmas and nice News Years spent playing ESO. I’ve lived alone for so long I rather enjoyed having News Years all to myself. As much as I love my family I’m not that festive of a person so I prefer to be alone on holidays. I didn’t even buy a Christmas scented candle or play any holiday music. I swear I do enjoy the holidays  but my participation in them in near non-existent.

In an effort to combat the eating disorder, I’m started getting into fitness a little more. So far so good, I’ve been able to eat somewhat more regularly however I’m making super low-cal meals. So like yea, three meals a day! All about ~300 cals each. That still counts as progress right, I ask knowing full well that today I have no plans for eating if I don’t exercise.

I applied to work at a gym.

Maybe seeing people take control of their health in a positive manner will encourage me to do the same. Or back fire horrendously. At this point I don’t care I just want a paycheck. Family drama over the holidays has led me to seriously considering living in my car just to get away from them.

I totally would too if I didn’t have Clar and Dexter. As it stands, I’m looking at getting a little camper, buying a used truck, and moving to Portland. Great in theory if I had a job. While still technically employed on the farm,

  1. I’m going to go insane and probably irreparably damage my relationship with my Fubi’s side if I’m forced to be around him or his wife one more summer.
  2. I can’t save up any money if I’m only being paid once a month for three months and then not doing anything the rest of the year. Farm life sucks in the financial department.
  3. The hours and family drama cause too much stress and triggered the eating disorder to level it’s at now. I don’t want to know what another year will do to me.

So I’m on the hunt for a new job. I’ve been at it since the start of the month. So far there’s a lot of places hiring, been rejected for one, got an interview at another yesterday( & haven’t heard back 😭), and spent most of my morning filling out applications today. At some point someone is bound to hire me, right?

In more positive news, my Etsy shop had exactly 3 sales this holiday season. And I got a 5 star review 😄. At least I do good at events. My goal this year is too attend more events because at least at them I have decent sales. Online it really kinda sucks but at least I now officially have a review and some sales under my belt.

I got two new molds this year so I’m able to diversify the style of necklace I sell and I’m looking at getting a bit more rustic( I guess that’s the right term?) with the dream catchers. The problem is if everyone is unique then no one in unique, I’m just hoping I can stand out out enough to make at least one sell a month. Anywho, hello people. I’m going to attempt regular posting again 😙.

*:.。. .。.:*・゜゚⛄☕⛄・゜゚*:.。. .。.:*

Working through stuff #3

I’m counting the one I did on my phone as Working through stuff #2 but I’m not changing the title. Given my mindset lately this really is becoming a series and I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. I mean on one hand I’m acknowledging things and trying to work through them but on the other hand I feel like I’m using this blog as an excuse not to see someone. Like, look how self aware I am! I don’t need help but I secretly do because it’s midnight and this issue is keeping me up awake even though I have stuff to do tomorrow. On a bright note, Sanu is getting adopted tomorrow so that only leaves me with finding a home for Martin and then I’m back down to my normal level of cats, thank God.

So when I was about five or six I was molested by Fubi’s then-girlfriend’s son. I don’t remember a whole lot of it and had it blocked out for a very long time until I was in my sophomore year of high school and in an off hand comment, Mom wondered if I was molested by him or not. Then it was never brought up again and I was left dealing with flashbacks.

Because I don’t remember much about what happened beyond some bad scenes I’m not going to describe, I used to think it never affected me.

“I blocked it out for years and remembering has no ill effects beyond that one semester where I had a massive depressive episode. Also I’m afraid of being touched and men but Step Dad gets all blame for that one. Totally not in part due to being molested.”

Sounds like denial to me.

Acknowledging it a bit more and learning about how it has impacted me has me in a weird place with a lot of things. A lot of the effects of being abused (verbally and physically) by Step Dad over lap with symptoms of child sex abuse, and I’ve been thinking that a lot of my behavior doesn’t truly start with Fubi’s neglect and Step Dad’s abuse- they just made it worse.

I started thinking more about this because I’m trying to figure where I stand on sex and relationships. That’s a big part of people’s lives and with whatever hormone disorder I have any relationship I do have will be impacted by my lack of ability to have children. Unfortunately regardless of whatever hormone disorder I have, the universal symptom for them is infertility or a massively high miscarriage rate. That would undoubtedly have a big impact on any relationship and I need to learn how to be okay with it. I’m still not okay with it but that’s mainly because I haven’t been formerly diagnosed with anything yet. I probably won’t be until next year because my all tests keep coming back clean despite my ovaries not working.

Getting back to tragic back story, I don’t know my sexuality and I’m not sure if that’s due in part to being molested then suffering through Step Dad and being ignored by Fubi.

Originally I assumed I was straight because I’m not attracted to women, however I’m not really attracted to men. A hot man and a hot woman flirting with me would have same effect: I’d be flattered and that’s it.

I used to force myself to like boys because I thought if I didn’t have a crush on someone, then I was broken.  I didn’t (and still don’t) want to sex so my logic was to my make myself like someone and the need to sleep with them would naturally follow. It never happened. I went through two official boyfriends and two potential boyfriends before I stopped trying. I just can’t bring myself to truly feel romantic feelings for another person.

I don’t know if that’s a result of being molested followed up by verbal and physical abuse or if I’m actually asexual.

About 2013 I discovered the term ‘asexual’ and thought it was another made up Tumblr sexuality- gender thing because that’s what Tumblr does. Well the more I looked into the more I realized I really identified with it but I’m still hesitant to call myself a real asexual for several reasons:

  1. I have a hormone disorder that affects my libido.
  2. Sex abuse can artificially alter a person’s sexuality if they haven’t properly worked through it. I haven’t properly worked through being molested.
  3. Fubi and Step Dad are abusive father figures and set me up for being afraid of men.
  4. I haven’t sought out treatment for my mental illnesses so my lack of sexuality could simply be a symptom of abuse.

I don’t know who I am in terms of relationships and sex. Part of me thinks I am straight I’m just not attracted to men because of suffering abuse at the hands of men then not having proper treatment but part of me thinks maybe I am asexual and my feelings about sex, while influenced by abuse, are my true feelings.

Needless to say, I’m very confused. I don’t know what’s truly me and what’s a result of abuse and it sucks so bad. I think being this confused about something so important is part of why my eating disorder is so bad, which I need to do a post on that because I’ve realized I’ve been battling EDNOS for a very, very long time but it wasn’t until recently I learned that EDNOS was even a thing.

I need to see a therapist but as always, I’m worried I won’t be taken seriously because I’m very self aware with my issues. I know I have some sort of mental illness, I can sort of guesstimate which ones, and I can on my own identify what caused them. It’s just working through the symptoms that I struggle with. Just because I can figure what’s wrong doesn’t mean I know how to fix it. I can’t fix this my confusion on my sexuality, which should be clear cut but it’s not. I can’t fix why I randomly fall into depressive episodes and cry over the stupidest of things. I can’t fix my eating disorder and believe me I’ve been trying.

Despite how upset I am right now, I do feel better typing all this out. I’m not closer to an answer but seeing it in writing makes me feel valid. I’m so used to hiding to everything it’s really nice being able to freely express myself, even if nothing comes from it.